Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas

Sail. D. I'll pay you out for that!

    [Stabs Soldier D.

Sold. D. Right through you've poked me!
Sailor D. So you have me!
Sold. D. You shouldn't have provoked me!

    [They fall transfixed.

Sailor D. (faintly). Alas, we have been led away by vanity.
Dolls shouldn't try to imitate humanity! [Dies.
Soldier D. For, if they do, they'll end like us, unpitied,
Each on the other's sword absurdly spitted!

    [Dies. Miss J. and P. revive, and bend sadly over the corpses.

Miss Jenny. From their untimely end we draw this moral,
How wrong it is, even for dolls, to quarrel!
Miss Polly. Yes, Jenny, in the fate of these poor fellows see
What sad results may spring from female jealousy!

    [They embrace penitently as Curtain falls.

xii.– CONRAD; OR, THE THUMBSUCKER

(Adapted freely from a well-known Poem in the "Struwwelpeter.")

Characters

Conrad (aged 6)

Conrad's Mother(47)

The Scissorman (age immaterial)

Scene —An Apartment in the house of Conrad'sMother, window in centre at back, opening upon a quiet thoroughfare. It is dusk, and the room is lighted only by the reflected gleam from the street-lamps. Conraddiscovered half-hidden by left window-curtain.

Conrad (watching street). Still there! For full an hour he has not budged
Beyond the circle of yon lamp-post's rays!
The gaslight falls upon his crimson hose,
And makes a steely glitter at his thigh,
While from the shadow peers a hatchet-face
And fixes sinister malignant eyes —
On whom? (Shuddering.)I dare not trust myself to guess
And yet – ah, no – it cannot be myself!
I am so young – one is still young at six! —
What man can say that I have injured him?
Since, in my Mother's absence all the day
Engaged upon Municipal affairs,
I peacefully beguile the weary hours
By suction of consolatory thumbs.

[Here he inserts his thumb in his mouth, but almost instantly removes it with a start.

Again I meet those eyes! I'll look no more —
But draw the blind and shut my terror out.

    [Draws blind and lights candle; Stage lightens.
Heigho, I wish my Mother were at home!
(Listening.) At last! I hear her latch-key in the door!

[Enter Conrad'sMother, a lady of strong-minded appearance, rationally attired. She carries a large reticule full of documents.

Conrad's M. Would, Conrad, that you were of riper years,
So you might share your Mother's joy to-day,
The day that crowns her long and arduous toil
As one of London's County Councillors!

Conrad. Nay, speak; for though my mind be immature,
One topic still can charm my infant ear,
That ever craves the oft-repeated tale.
I love to hear of that august assembly

    [His Mother lifts her bonnet solemnly.

In which my Mother's honoured voice is raised!
C.'s M. (gratified). Learn, Conrad, then, that, after many months
Of patient "lobbying" (you've heard the term?)
The measure by my foresight introduced
Has triumphed by a bare majority!
Con. My bosom thrills with dutiful delight —
Although I yet for information wait
As to the scope and purpose of the statute.
C.'s M. You show an interest so intelligent
That well deserves it should be satisfied,
Be seated, Conrad, at your Mother's knee,
And you shall hear the full particulars.
You know how zealously I advocate
The sacred cause of Nursery Reform?
How through my efforts every infant's toys
Are carefully inspected once a month – ?
Con. (wearily). Nay, Mother, you forget – I have no toys.
C.'s M. Which brings you under the exemption clause.
But – to resume; how Nursery Songs and Tales
Must now be duly licensed by our Censor,
And any deviation from the text
Forbidden under heavy penalties?
All that you know. Well; with concern of late,