Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas

I have remarked among our infancy
The rapid increase of a baneful habit
On which I scarce can bring my tongue to dwell.

    [The Stage darker; blind at back illuminated.

Oh, Conrad, there are children – think of it! —
So lost to every sense of decency
That, in mere wantonness or brainless sloth,
They obstinately suck forbidden thumbs!

    [Conradstarts with irrepressible emotion.
Forgive me if I shock your innocence!
(Sadly.) Such things exist – but soon shall cease to be,
Thanks to the measure we have passed to-day!
Con. (with growing uneasiness). But how can statutes check such practices?
C.'s M. (patting his head). Right shrewdly questioned, boy! I come to that.
Some timid sentimentalists advised
Compulsory restraint in woollen gloves,
Or the deterrent aid of bitter aloes.
I saw the evil had too deep a seat
To yield to such half-hearted remedies.
No; we must cut, ere we could hope to cure!
Nay, interrupt me not; my Bill appoints
A new official, by the style and title
Of "London County Council Scissorman,"
For the detection of young "suck-a-thumbs."

[Here the shadow of a huge hand brandishing a gigantic pair of shears appears upon the blind.

Con. (hiding his face in his Mother's lap.) Ah, Mother, see!.. the scissors!.. On the blind!
C.'s M. Why, how you tremble! You've no cause to fear.
The shadow of his grim insignia
Should have no terror – save for thumb-suckers.
Con. And what for them?
C.'s M. (complacently). A doom devised by me —
The confiscation of the culprit thumbs.
Thus shall our statute cure while it corrects,
For those who have no thumbs can err no more.

[The shadow slowly passes on the blind, Conradappearing relieved at its departure. Loud knocking without. Both start to their feet.

C.'s M. Who knocks so loud at such an hour as this?
A Voice. Open, I charge ye. In the Council's name!
C.'s M.'Tis the Official Red-legged Scissorman,
Who doubtless calls to thank me for the post.
Con. (with a gloomy determination). More like his business, Madam, is with – Me!
C.'s M. (suddenly enlightened). A Suck-a-thumb? … you, Conrad?
C. (desperately). Ay, – from birth!

[Profound silence, as Mother and Son face one another. The knocking is renewed.

C.'s M. Oh, this is horrible – it must not be!
I'll shoot the bolt and barricade the door.

[Conradplaces himself before it, and addresses his Mother in a tone of incisive irony.

Con. Why, where is all the zeal you showed of late?
Is't thus that you the Roman Matron play?
Trick not a statute of your own devising.
Come, your official's waiting – let him in!

    [C's M. shrinks back appalled.
So? you refuse! – (throwing open door) – then – enter, Scissorman!

[Enter the Scissorman, masked and in red tights, with his hand upon the hilt of his shears.

The S. (in a passionless tone). Though sorry to create unpleasantness,
I claim the thumbs of this young gentleman,
Which these own eyes have marked between his lips.
C.'s M. (frantically). Thou minion of a meddling tyranny,
Go exercise thy loathsome trade elsewhere!
The S. (civilly). I've duties here that must be first performed.
C.'s M. (wildly). Take my two thumbs for his!
The S.'Tis not the law —
Which is a model of lucidity.
Con. (calmly). Sir, you speak well. My thumbs are forfeited,
And they alone must pay the penalty.
The S. (with approval). Right! Step with me into the outer hall,
And have the business done without delay.
C.'s M. (throwing herself between them.) Stay, I'm a
Councillor – this law was mine!
Hereby I do suspend the clause I drew.
The S. You should have drawn it milder.
Con. Must I teach
A parent laws were meant to be obeyed?
[To Sc.] Lead on, Sir. (To his Mother with cold courtesy.)Madam, – may I trouble you?

[He thrusts her gently aside and passes out with the Sc.; the door is shut and fastened from without. C.'s M. rushes to door which she attempts to force without success.

C.'s M. In vain I batter at a senseless door,
I'll to the keyhole train my tortured ear.
(Listening.)Dead silence! … is it over – or, to come?
Hark! was not that the click of meeting shears?..
Again! and followed by the sullen thud
Of thumbs that drop upon linoleum!..

[The door is opened and Conradappears, pale but erect.N.B. The whole of this scene has been compared to one in "La Tosca" – which, however, it exceeds in horror and intensity.

C.'s M. They send him back to me, bereft of both!