A Mysterious Disappearance

Carlos. Ho, ho, ho!

Charles. What’s the matter with you, Careless? (Carlos looks sober.) Do that again, and you’ll get anything but a pat. Go, make yourself presentable; put your auburn locks in curl-papers, and wash your face. You shall guide my friend in his day’s sport.

Carlos. Yes, sir. (Aside) He’s going to lead her with a halter, is he? I’ll show him sport. [Exit C.

Charles. Yes, Nelly, we’re to have a visit from my old chum, Dixie Dolby.

Nelly. Good gracious! he coming here?

Charles. Yes; for the first time; and to the country for the first time, too. This little matrimonial scheme of mine is the only secret I ever had from him. He didn’t know I was courting Jenny Bobstay until he received my wedding-cards. Wasn’t he surprised? No more than I, however. Just a year ago, that highly respectable old mariner, Captain Boliver Bobstay, mysteriously disappeared from Valparaiso, where the stanch bark “Indigo Blue” was waiting for a cargo. His coat and hat were found upon the pier; but the wearer never did appear upon that pier again.

Nelly. And he was not heard of again?

Charles. No. Yes. Six months ago, Jenny received a deed of this place from Uncle Bobstay. How it came, or where it came from, nobody knew; but it was found all right, and being a nice cosy place here, we married and settled upon it three months ago.

Nelly. But, Charley, your friend —

Charles. O, yes; Dolby – clever fellow. You’ve never met him, Nelly?

Nelly. No. I’ve often heard you speak of him, and feel inclined to like him.

Charles. I know you will, Nelly. Now let’s have something nice for dinner, in honor of our guest; something extra, you know.

Nelly. I’ll look after the dinner. When he comes, we shall have something extra. [Exit R.

Charles. She’s a nice girl. I hope Dixie will like her. To think of his coming down here to see me a married man. Why, I should almost as soon expect, Uncle Bobstay to walk in at my door.

(Enter C. Bobstay. He has a black wig and black whiskers.)

Bobstay (at door). Avast there! Are the decks, clear? Sh —

Charles. Hallo! Who have we here? Come in.

Bobstay (comes down R.). All right, my hearty. When a messmate’s going down in the briny – for the last time, mind – what do we do? Why, we extends a helping hand, and grabs him by the hair of the head, don’t we?

Charles. That is the first impulse – unless he’s bald.

Bobstay (extending hand). Put it there; give us your flipper (they shake hands). All right. Here’s your hand and ’ere’s my head! Take a good hold of it, as if I was agoin’ down for the last time. Now, steady. (Charles takes hold of his wig, and Bobstay seizes his beard.) Let fall all! (He stands back, pulling off whiskers. Charles pulls off wig.)

Charles. Uncle Bobstay!

Bobstay. Hush! Easy, Charley, easy. Bobstay of the Indigo Blue, he went up – no, down – leastwise he went off. I’m a sperit, you understand? I’m the Ancient Mariner – Captain Kyd – the Great Unknown – anything you please but Bobstay. He mysteriously disappeared; let him be missed.

Charles. But what have you been doing? What’s the trouble?

Bobstay. A deep one – deeper than the sea. Hush! Put it there (shakes hands). There’s a woman at the bottom.

Charles. At the bottom of the sea? Good gracious!

Bobstay. No. I wish she was, Charley. Put it there (shakes hands). You’ve heard me speak of Spanker, skipper of the Venetian Red?

Charles. Many a time. He was a particular friend of yours, I believe.

Bobstay. Charley, listen to a tale that would make the marines blush. When I reached Valparaiso on my last run, I found the Venetian Red there before me; but I found that Spanker had “mysteriously disappeared.”[1 - A wink and finger on side of nose when these words are used through the play.] His hat and coat were found upon the pier, and he was supposed to be beneath the waves.

Charles. What a coincidence!

Bobstay. Charley, he left a widow. I found her in Venetian Red on board the mourning black, – no – in mourning red onboard the Venetian —

Charles. No matter about the colors; go on.

Bobstay. Charley, she was in distress; and did you ever hear of a tar who found a lass in distress, and deserted her? Never. In a week I had asked her to marry me. In ten days we were married in church.

Charles. Married! Then you are —

Bobstay. Mysteriously disappeared; that’s the p’int. We were married in church. And now for an astonishing disclosure. When we came out of church, who should I see but Spanker – the dead and gone Spanker – peeping round a corner, with a grin on his face and a finger on his nose.

Charles. What! Why, this is bigamy!

Bobstay. What-amy? ’Twas a swindle!

Charles. Unhappy man! How did you act? What did you say?

Bobstay. I said nothing; put the lady, Mrs. Spanker Bobstay, into the carriage, shut the door, and mysteriously disappeared.

Charles. And your wife?

Bobstay. Avast there! She’s Spanker’s wife.

Charles. But he basely deserted her.

Bobstay. So did I. Mysteriously disappeared.

Charles. But where have you been? What have you been doing all this time?

Bobstay. Pursuing the phantom ship, Sylvester Spanker.

Charles. Have you any trace of him?

Bobstay. Trace, my hearty? He’s made a clean run, blast his toplights!

Charles. Then she is yours now.

Bobstay. Is she? That’s a p’int for the sharks to argue. I didn’t marry his widow; I couldn’t marry his wife; and yet I’m a married man.

Charles. But you love her, captain?

Bobstay. Ease off a bit. If Spanker mysteriously disappeared, there’s reason for Spanker’s disappearance. And as the aforesaid widow, when I married her, who didn’t prove to be a widow after I married her, boxed my ears twice afore the ceremony, the p’ints of my matrimonial compass don’t p’int that way much.