A Mysterious Disappearance

Dolby. Don’t mention it (Persis opens door, steps out, and listens). The most absurd thing; a little country-house flirtation with a lady old enough to be my mother.

Persis. The wretch!

Dolby. Unfortunately, one evening I lay upon my bed, smoking and reading, with my door open into the passage, on the farther side of which is located the room of Miss Persis Grievous. Well, I dropped off to sleep, the pipe dropped from my mouth, and I was awakened by the cry of “fire,” and a brisk shaking from my female friend across the passage. I had set fire to the bed, which was easily put out; not so the flame which had been kindled in the breast of my fair but aged deliverer.

Persis. The heartless scoundrel!

Dolby. From that time she has pursued me with a relentless love. I cannot escape her.

Charles. And you are engaged?

Dolby. Not exactly. Pegoty is willing, but Barkis is not; for, Charley, I am in love with a phantom.

Charles. Then you’d better give up the ghost, and make Persis happy.

Dolby. No; I can never love but one, “Rosa Bean.” Isn’t that a pretty name? I’ll show you her face (hunts pockets). Confound it, I’ve left her photograph under my pillow!

Persis. O, the wretch! I’ll never forgive him – never – (disappears into room L.).

(Enter Nelly, R. with glass pitcher of milk and goblet.)

Nelly. Here’s the milk, Mr. Dolby.

Dolby. O, thank you (she fills goblet, standing behind table. Dolby drinks). Here’s your best health. Ah, what milk! I haven’t tasted anything like that since I was – a very little child.

Nelly. Can I bring you anything else?

Dolby. No, I’m obliged to you. By the way, is there a young lady in the neighborhood named “Rosa Bean”?

Nelly. “Bean” – “Bean” – No. There are no Beans here; there’s a Rosa Higgins about half a mile from here.

Dolby. O, she won’t do.

Charles. There are Rows of Beans in the garden; how will those suit, Dixie? Ha, ha, ha!

Nelly. To which I will introduce you at dinner. Good-bye till then. [Exit R.

Dolby. Good-bye (rises and puts back chair to L. Charles rises). Now, then, Charley, let’s try the fish (takes his pole and net).

Charles. Really, Dixie, I cannot leave the house just now. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll send my man with you, and join you soon (goes to door C.). Here, Careless! Careless!

Carlos (enter C.). Yes, sir. Here I am!

Charles. Careless, show this gentleman to the fishing-pond. (Dolby at back, busies himself with tackle.)

Carlos. Fishing-pond! Where’s that?

Charles (aside). Shut up, you fool! Behind the barn.

Carlos. Ho, ho, ho! that’s a pretty fishing-pond! Why, there’s nothin’ there ’cept skeeters!

Charles. Well, they bite, don’t they? You’d better take Towzer along with you, he wants exercise.

Carlos. Towzer? Why, he’s not sociable with strangers.

Charles. Do as I bid you.

Carlos. All right, Mister. Come along, sir – I’ll show you sport!

Dolby. That’s the sort.

Carlos. What kind of fishing do you like best? Do’nt make any difference here. (Aside) Have to fish a darn long spell afore you get any.

Dolby. Well, s’pose we try for cod – no, I mean mackerel. Any blue-fish about here?

Carlos. Ho, ho, ho!

Charles. Careless!

Carlos. Blue-fish? Wal, no; we’re out of blue-fish to-day. (Aside) Lord, he is green!

Dolby. No matter; lead me to the lake where sport the finny tribe.

Carlos. Funny what? Gosh all hemlock! thought you was going a fishing!

Dolby. O, come along, it’s getting late. Good-bye, Charley. Don’t forget I must see your wife.

    [Exit C.

Carlos. Say, Mister, who’s agoin’ to dig the bait, say? [Exit C.

Charles. Still harping on my wife. I’ll know the meaning of this ere I am an hour older.

(Enter Persis from door L.)

Persis. At last he is gone, and we may arrange our plans.

Bobstay (opens door R.). Ahoy, Charley! (Persis screams, and runs into room L. Enter Bobstay.) Aha! a woman! Who is it? (Creeps across stage on tiptoe, and peeps into keyhole, door L.)

Charles (seizes him by arm and whirls him to R.). What are you about, captain? There’s a lady in that room.

Bobstay. I must have a peep at her (runs up and looks into keyhole). Ah, ha! ’tis she! (falls back into Charles’s arms).

Charles. She! Who?

Bobstay (recovering himself). Hush! Spanker’s wife! My widow, you know! Our evil genius! It’s a judgment on me for giving up the search for the lost Spanker. I must be off. Good-bye; put it there (they shake hands). If I’m asked for, you know – mysteriously disappeared – (goes up to door C.).

Mrs. C. (outside C.) Charley! Charley!