Seeing the Elephant

Harry. I know. But I’ve grown valuable to him. And now, when I ask him to let me marry you, he “hems” and “haws,” and says, “Don’t be in a hurry. Have patience.” He knows that the moment you are my wife, I shall pack up and be off; and that’s what’s the matter.

Sally. It will all come right one of these days.

Harry. I suppose it will. But it don’t come right now. I tell you, Sally, I’m going to have an answer this very day, or to-morrow I’m off.

Sally. Off? And leave me?

Harry. O, no. Take you with me. You love me – don’t you, Sally?

Sally. You know I do, Harry.

Harry. Then marry me. I’ll make you the happiest woman in the world. I’ll carry you to an elegant home, and scatter money in every direction, to bring around you luxuries and enjoyments.

Sally. No, Harry; I could enjoy nothing, leaving my father without his consent. I have always tried to be a good daughter. He would be very angry, should I disobey him, and no good fortune would follow me. No, Harry. Be patient. There’s a good time coming.

Harry. Yes, it’s always coming. But I shall ask his consent to-day.

Sally. Do, Harry. I hope he’ll say yes, for you deserve it. (Puts her arm about his neck.)

Harry. And you deserve the best husband in the world, you gypsy. (Puts his arm round her waist, and kisses her.)

Enter Johnny, C

Johnny. Christopher Columbus! O, hokey! (Sally and Harry jump up.) Did you hear it?

Sally. Hear what? Why don’t you frighten a body to death, and have done with it!

Johnny. Somebody fired off something close to my head. Blunderbuss, I guess. Did it hit you, Sally?

Sally. I didn’t hear anything.

Johnny. Didn’t you feel it? Must have hit yer right in the mouth. It’s awful red!

Harry. Come, Johnny, there’s enough of that. I don’t like it.

Johnny. Don’t you, though? Thought you did. Seemed to take to it nat’ral nuff. Where’s dad?

Sally. He is not up yet. (Sits and resumes her work. Harry goes to chair, back, and takes up his hat.)

Johnny. Guess he’s kinder sleepy after his jaunt to the city yesterday. Guess the coppers are hot! O, won’t he catch it?

Harry. Why, what’s the matter?

Johnny. Matter? Say, thought you was goin’ down with me after that woodchuck this mornin’. Don’t see what a feller wants to fool away his time here with a gal for, when there’s a woodchuck to be got so handy.

Enter Mrs. Somerby, L

Mrs. S. I’ll woodchuck yer! (Taking him by the ear.) What d’ ye mean by keeping out er the way all the morning – hey?

Johnny. O! Quit, now! You hurt!

Mrs. S. Hope I do. You jest stir out er this room till I’ve done with yer, if you dare! (Sits in rocking-chair, and rocks violently.) Sakes alive! It’s enough to drive one ravin’ distracted! There’s yer father sleeping like a log, and it’s arter eight o’clock! Where did you two critters go yesterday – hey?

Johnny. Went to the city, of course.

Mrs. S. Yes, yer did go to the city with a load of live and dead stuff; and there’s that man in there, with not a cent in his pocket to show for it. He’d a never got home at all if the brute in the shafts hadn’t known more than the brute in the wagon. Drunk clean through!

Harry. What! Has Mr. Somerby had another spree?

Mrs. S. I should think he had! They come thicker and thicker. – You young one! you speak up, and tell me what you know ’bout it, quick!

Johnny. Well, all I know, dad an’ I went to market. He sold off everything, and then sent me down to Scudder’s to git a new rake, and over to Jinks’s for some sugar, and round to Stevens’s to borry a screw-driver, cos something got loose.

Mrs. S. Somethin’ got loose! I should think so!

Johnny. Said he’d wait till I come back. When I got back, he hadn’t waited; so I went tearin’ round arter him. Man in a white hat said he saw him goin’ down onto the wharf to see the elephant; so I went down. Big crowd down there. They was a auctioneering off a lot of animals. Lion, tiger, and monkeys – Jemimy! – by the dozen. Purty soon I spied dad. He was sprung.

Mrs. S. Sprung? For the land sakes! what’s that? Not overboard?

Johnny. Sprung – over the bay.

Mrs. S. Over the bay? Thought he was on the wharf. Now, don’t yer lie, you young one!

Harry. He means he was in liquor.

Mrs. S. More likely liquor in him. Why don’t you say he was drunk, and have done with it?

Johnny. Well, he was pretty full; and when I got there, he was leanin’ up agin a hogshead, and biddin’ on an elephant.

Mrs. S. On an elephant! Why, he might have broke his neck!

Johnny. O, fush! He was a biddin’ for the elephant. He offered a hundred dollars. But I didn’t see it; so I jest took a hold er him, h’isted him inter the wagon, and drove back to Stevens’s. When I come out, the wagon and dad were out of sight, and I had to foot it ten miles. So I jest crept inter the barn when I got here, and had a snooze on the hay.

Mrs. S. Dear me! what capers! Two or three times a year he has these sprees, and they cost a mint of money. There was apples and cider, hens and chickens, eggs and butter, all gone. Dear me, what will become of us? If there’s anything in this world I detest, it’s a toper!

    [Exit, L.

Sally. Poor mother, she’s in a fever of excitement. I’ll try and get her to lie down.

    [Exit, L.

Johnny. I say, Mr. Holden, it’s purty hard sleddin’ for marm – ain’t it?

Harry. It is, indeed, Johnny; and don’t you make it any harder for her. Never touch a drop of liquor.

Johnny. O, don’t you fret about me. I feel bad enough to see dad on these times. I’m a purty rough boy, but it does make me feel mean to see dad, who’s such a smart old gent when he’s sober, let himself out in this way. I’ve never touched a drop of liquor, and you can bet your life I never will.

Harry. That’s right, Johnny. Drinking is the meanest kind of enjoyment, and the dearest, too. I’m going to try and reform the old gentleman.