Seeing the Elephant

Pat. Where’s the kaper of the brute, I’d like to know? Where’s the hathin that sinds wild bastes a rarin’ an’ a tarin’ into the paceful quarthers of the globe?

Silas. What’s the matter with yeou, Pat Murphy?

Pat. Aha, owld gint, ’tis there ye are. It’s a mighty foine scrape yer in this time, wid yer drinkin’ an’ rollickin’.

Silas. Come, come, Pat Murphy, keep a civil tongue in your head.

Pat. O, blarney! It’s an ondacent man ye are, by me sowl! Wasn’t I sittin’ on my own doorstep last night, a smokin’ my pipe genteelly, wid de childers innercently amusin’ theirselves a throwin’ brickbats at one another, an’ Biddy a washin’ in the yard (as beautiful a picture of domestic felicity as ye don’t often say), when an oogly black snout kim over the fence, an’, afore ye could spake, away wint the fence, an’ away wint Biddy into the tub, an’ the childers into the pig-pen, an’ mesilf ilevated to the top of the woodshed by that same oogly black baste!

Harry. Ah, the elephant on another frolic!

Pat. Frolic – is it? Bedad, it must be paid for, ony how. An’ so, owld gint, I’ll jist throuble yez for the damages – to mesilf, a broken constitution, Biddy, a wake’s washin’ intirely spoiled, and the childers, bliss their dirthy faces! for a scare, an’ the fright to the pig, an’ the broken fence. Come down, owld gint. Them as jig must pay the piper.

Bias. Das a fac’, das a fac’. Down wid de dust, ole gint, for de dust dat ar bullephant kicked up.

Silas. Never! Not a cent! Get out of my house! You’re a pair of knaves. There is no elephant about here. It’s all a lie. I won’t be swindled. Get out, I say!

Pat. Knave! Look to yersilf, owld gint. It’s not dacent for the likes of yez to call names. A lie? Troth, I’ll jist bring Biddy and the childer to tistify to the truth – so I will.

Silas. Shut up! Clear out! If you want damages, you can have them. I’m getting my dander up, and shall sartinly damage both of yer.

Bias. Don’t you do it, don’t you do it. De law will fix you, old gent.

Pat. Begorra, I’ll spind me intire fortune, but I’ll have justice.

Silas. Are you going?

Pat. To a lawyer, straight. I blush for yez, owld gint, I blush for yez.

    [Exit, L.

Bias. Dat ar wagon, and dat ar hoss, and dem ar goods, and de ole lady must be repaired. So de law will tell yez, Massa Somebody. Das a fac’, das a fac’.

    [Exit, L.

Harry. This looks like a serious business, Mr. Somerby.

Silas. Confound it, so it does! What can I do? Must I pay all these damages?

Harry. I see no way for you to escape.

Silas. What a fool I have been! For a few hours’ fun I’ve got myself into this scrape. Why, ’twill ruin me. I can never raise the money.

Harry. O, yes, you can, Mr. Somerby. I have plenty. You’d better settle this matter at once, and draw on me freely for money.

Silas. Draw on you? What right have I to do that?

Harry. Give your consent to my marriage with Sally, and I shall consider you have the right. More, I will hunt up these claims, and settle them at once.

Silas. Will you? You’re a splendid fellow! Help me out, if you can; and, if I can get rid of that elephant —

Harry. On one condition I will take him off your hands.

Silas. Take him off my hands? Name your condition.

Harry. That you will give me your solemn promise never to touch liquor again.

Silas. What! Give up my freedom?

Harry. No; be free. You are now the slave of an old custom, “more honored in the breach than the observance.” Don’t let it master you again. Don’t let my wife blush for her father.

Silas. I won’t! There’s my hand. Sally is yours; and I solemnly promise never to break (smash of crockery, L.) – Hullo! What’s that?

Mrs. S. (Outside, L.) O, the monster! Drive him out!

Sally. (Outside, L.) He won’t go. Run, mother, run! (Crash.)

Mrs. S. (Outside, L.) He’s sp’ilt my best dishes! O, the beast! (Enter, L.) O, Silas, this is all your work. That hateful critter’s got into the kitchen.

Enter Sally, L

Sally. O, mother! Harry! father! He’s coming this way! Save us, save us! (Gets under table.)

Mrs. S. Goodness gracious! he’ll set the house afire! (Gets behind sofa.)

Enter Johnny, L

Johnny. Help! murder! O, I’ve had a h’ist! He’s breaking up housekeeping – you bet!

Harry. Be calm, be calm. There’s no danger.

Mrs. S. We shall all be eaten alive. O, the monster!

Silas. Confound him, I’ll pepper him! Let me get my gun! (Going, R.)

Harry. No, no. ’Twould be dangerous to shoot.

Johnny. Let him have a dose, dad.

Harry. No, no. Silence! He’s here!

Enter, L., Pat and Bias, as the elephant. [For description of its manufacture, see note on page 92 (#Page_92).] It enters slowly, passes across stage at back, and exit, R.

Mrs. S. O, the monster!

Sally. He’s gone straight into the parlor. He’ll smash everything. O, my vases, my vases!

Silas. (Aside.) Confound the critter, I’ll have one shot at him.