Seeing the Elephant

Johnny. That’s easier said than done, dad. Them critters die hard; and we ain’t got the cannon to bombard him with.

Harry. Come, Johnny, let’s look after him. I’m afraid he will get into more mischief. Will you have a look at him, Mr. Somerby?

Silas. Look at him? Never! Find me a way to get rid of him, quick!

Harry. That’s not such an easy matter. Nobody would take the gift of him; and nobody but a fool would buy him.

Mrs. S. That’s a fact. O, my eggs! my eggs! Eighty dozen, all ready for market!

Sally. Law sakes! that elephant has made me forget the breakfast things. (Clears away the table, carrying things off, L.)

Harry. I suppose you want him to have plenty of hay?

Silas. (Fiercely.) Feed him till he splits, or dies of indigestion!

    [Exit Harry, L.

Johnny. Say, dad, he’ll be grand, if we can only put him to the plough.

Silas. (Fiercely.) Clear out, yer jackanapes!

    [Exit Johnny, L.

Mrs. S. I’ll go and look after the poultry. If he gets in among ’em, good by to Thanksgiving. It’s all right, Silas. It’s a pretty big critter to have about; but it shows “a liberal spirit” – don’t it?

    [Exit, L.

Silas. Shut up! Clear out! – Wal, I guess I brought home a pretty big load last night, accordin’ to the looks of things. Now, what on airth set me on to buy that elephant? Must have been the Ottawa beer. What on airth shall I do with him? He’ll eat us out of house and home. If I kill him, there’s an end of it. No, the beginnin’, for we’d have to dig up the whole farm to bury him. But he must be got rid of somehow. O, Somerby, you’ve a long row to hoe here!

Enter Harry, L

Harry. Now, sir, let us look this matter calmly in the face. (Sits R. of table.)

Silas. What matter?

Harry. Well, suppose we call it “consequential damages.”

Silas. Call it what you like. It’s a big critter, and should have a big name.

Harry. You don’t understand me. I told you Sheriff Brown was looking for you. There are about a dozen complaints lodged against you already. This is likely to be a costly affair.

Silas. Sheriff Brown – complaints – costly affair! Why, what do you mean? Isn’t it bad enough to be caught with an elephant on your hands?

Harry. Well, your elephant, not being acquainted in this part of the country, got out of the road a little in travelling towards his present quarters. For instance, he walked into Squire Brown’s fence, and carried away about a rod of it.

Silas. You don’t mean it!

Harry. And, in endeavoring to get back to the road, walked through his glass house, and broke some glass.

Silas. Goodness gracious!

Harry. Mr. Benson’s flower garden, being near the road, was hastily visited by his highness, and a few of the rare plants will flourish no more.

Silas. O, my head! Is that all?

Harry. No, for Mrs. Carter was on the road with her span. On the appearance of the great hay-eater, one of the horses dropped dead.

Silas. O, ruin, ruin! Why didn’t the elephant keep him company?

Harry. These parties have made complaint, and will sue you for damages. There are other disasters connected with the entry of your pet —

Silas. Don’t mention ’em. Don’t speak of any more. There’s enough now to ruin me. Broken fences, smashed hot-houses, ruined flower beds, and a dead horse!

Harry. Consequential damages.

Silas. Consequential humbugs! I am the victim of a conspiracy. I don’t own an elephant. I won’t own him. I never bought him. He’s escaped from a menagerie. Why should I buy an elephant?

Harry. That won’t do, Mr. Somerby. You were seen at the auction; you were heard to bid for the animal. I’m afraid you will have to suffer.

Silas. I won’t pay a cent. They may drag me to jail, torture me with cold baths and hot irons; but not a cent will I pay for the capers of that elephant.

Enter Bias Black, L

Bias. Hay! What’s dat? Am yer gwine to ’pudiate, Massa Somebody? Gwine back on de ber – ber – bullephant – am yer?

Silas. What’s the matter with you, Bias Black?

Bias. Wal, I speck a heap, Massa Somebody. Dat ar bullephant of yourn has driben dis indervideral inter bankrupturicy. Dar’s been a reg’lar smash up ob his commercial crisis, and de wabes ob affliction are rollin’ into dis yer bussom.

Silas. Now, yeou black imp, talk English, or walk Spanish, quick! What do yeou want?

Bias. Want damages, heavy damages; dat’s what I want, Massa Somebody.

Silas. Damages for what?

Bias. Wal, hold yer hush, an’ I’ll tell yer. Las’ night I was gwine along de road, see, wid my hoss and wagon chock full, an’ ole Missey Pearson sittin’ alongside ob me – picked her up in de road. Pore ole lady! Guess she won’t ax any more rides! An’ jes’ when I got by Square Jones’s door, den dar was an airthquake, by golly! Somethin’ took right hole ob de tail-board. Felt somethin’ h’ist. Knowed ’twas a shock; and de nex’ ting I knowed, I was up in a tree! Missey Pearson was h’isted onto de fence, an’ dat ar bullephant was a chasin’ dat ar hoss ober de wagon, an’ a trampin’ round an’ chawin’ up things fine, I tell yer. Golly! such a mess! Dat’s what de matter. Lost eberyting. Wouldn’t a taken sebenty-five dollars for dat ar wagon. An’ dat ole lady, guess she’s shook all to pieces.

Silas. And you expect me to pay for this!

Bias. Ob course, ob course. If old gents will sow dar wild oats wid bullephants, dey must expect to pay for de thrashin’. Sebenty-five dollars for de wagon, sixty-seben dollars and ninepence for de goods, an’ about fifty dollars for de scare to dat pore ole hoss. I’ll trow de ole lady in.

Silas. I’ll throw yeou inter the horse-pond, yeou black imp! Not a dollar will yeou get from me.

Bias. Hey! You won’t pay? Den I’ll hab de law. Yes, sir. I’ll hab a jury set onto you, an’ – , an’ – an’ – a judge, and two or three habus corpuses. You can’t fool dis chile. Dar want no muzzle on de bullephant, an’ it’s agin de law.

Silas. Well, go to law. I shan’t pay a cent.

Enter Pat Murphy, L