Seeing the Elephant

Johnny. Are you? Well, you’ve got a big job.

Harry. Perhaps not. His bidding for the elephant has given me an idea.

Johnny. It gave me an idea he was purty far gone.

Harry. Yes. We will make him believe he bought the elephant.

Johnny. What good will that do?

Harry. I think we’ll turn the animal into a temperance lecturer. Come with me. Let’s see your mother and Sally, and arrange matters before your father appears.

Johnny. Yes. But I want ter go after the woodchuck.

Harry. Never mind him now. We’ve got bigger game – the elephant.

    [Exit, L.

Enter, slowly, R., Silas, with a razor in his hand

Silas. I’m in an awful state. My hand shakes so I can’t shave; my throat is all on fire, my head splitting, and I feel mean enough to steal. Wonder how I got home! Guess I’ve been and made a fool of myself. I ain’t got a copper in my pocket; and I know when I sold out I had over a hundred dollars in my wallet. (Takes out wallet.) Looks now as though an elephant had stepped on it. An elephant? Seems to me I saw one yesterday in teown. Jest remember biddin’ for him at auction. Lucky I didn’t buy him. ’Twas that plaguy “Ottawa beer” set me goin’. Well, I s’pose I shall catch it from the old lady. But it’s none of her business. ’Twas my sarse and my live stock, and I’ve a right to jest what I please with it.

Enter Mrs. Somerby, L

Mrs. S. Silas Somerby! are you a man, or are you a monster?

Silas. Hey? Ha, ha! Yes, I don’t look very spruce, that’s a fact. The water was cold, and the razor dull, and – and —

Mrs. S. And your hand shakes so you can’t shave. O, Silas, Silas! At your time of life! I blush for you!

Silas. O, bother, now! What are you frettin’ ’bout? I ain’t killed anybody, or robbed anybody’s house – have I?

Mrs. S. You’ve done somethin’ as bad. You’ve been on a spree, and squandered every cent you had in your pocket.

Silas. S’pose I did? Ain’t a hard-working man a right to enjoy himself once in a while, I’d like to know? Now you jest shet up! I’m the master of this farm, and if I choose to show a liberal spirit once in a while, and help along trade by spreading a little cash about, it ain’t for you to holler and “blush – ”

Mrs. S. Silas Somerby!

Silas. Shet up! if you don’t, I’ll harness up old Jack, and clear out.

Mrs. S. For another spree? O, you wretch! ain’t you ashamed of yourself, to set sich an example to the young uns? And that critter you sent home! Do you want us to be devoured?

Silas. Critter! critter! What critter?

Mrs. S. O, you know well enough; and I guess you’ll find you’ve made a poor bargain this time. I always told you rum would be your ruin; and if you don’t see the poorhouse staring you in the face afore night, I’m very much mistaken.

Enter Harry, L

Silas. What on airth are yer talking about? Are yer crazy, or have yer been drinking?

Harry. (Comes down between them.) Hush! not a word! We must not let anybody know you are in the house!

Silas. Hey! what ails you? Got a touch of the old lady’s complaint?

Harry. Hush! Not so loud! We must be cautious. Sheriff Brown is looking for you; but I’ve put him off the scent.

Silas. Then oblige me by putting me on it. What’s the matter? Why is the sheriff looking for me?

Harry. Hush! Not so loud! It’s all about him. (Pointing over his left shoulder.)

Silas. Him! him! Consarn his picter! who is him?

Harry. Hush! Not so loud! I’ve got him locked up in the barn. He got into the melon beds; they’re gone: then into the cucumbers; he’s pickled them all. But I’ve got him safe now.

Enter Johnny, L

Johnny. By Jinks! the critter’s hauled the sleigh down from the rafters; broke it all to smash!

Enter Sally, L

Sally. O, mother, he’s stepped into your tub of eggs, and there ain’t a whole one left.

Mrs. S. I told you so. O, Silas, how could you?

Silas. Are you all crazy? Who has trampled the melons? Who has pickled the cucumbers? Who has smashed the sleigh? And who has sucked the eggs? I pause for a reply.

All. (In chorus.) Your elephant!

Silas. My elephant? My elephant? Pooh! Nonsense! I don’t own any such critter.

Johnny. Say, dad, have yer forgotten the auction yesterday – the tiger, and the monkey, and the elephant?

Silas. What? Stop! O, my head! It must be so. Did I buy that elephant?

Harry. He is in the barn, Mr. Somerby.

Silas. I’m a ruined man! (Sinks into chair L. of table.) Is he alive?

Mrs. S. He ought to be, with half a ton of hay inside him.

Silas. O, my hay! my hay!

Johnny. And a barrel of turnips.

Silas. O, ruin! ruin!

Sally. And a whole basket of carrots.

Silas. I’ll shoot him! I’ll shoot him!