The Complete Works of Josh Billings

He seems tew ake for sumthing tew do, and if he gits snubbed in one place, it don’t seem tew diskourage him, but like the fly, he lights on another.

The officious man iz az free from malice as a young pup, who, if he kant do anything else, iz reddy tew lay down in front of yu and be stept on.

Theze kind ov men spend their whole lives trieing tew make friends ov all, and never succeed with any.

There iz a kind ov officious man, who iz only prompted bi his vanity, hiz anxiety tew be useful tew others don’t arise from enny goodness ov heart, but simply from a desire ov stiking hiz noze into things.

Theze kind ov individuals are supremely disgusting.

The officious man iz generally ov no use whatever tew himself, and a nusance tew everyboddy else.

I don’t know ov but phew more unfortunit disposishuns than the officious mans, for even in its very best phase, it seldom suckceedes in gitting paid for its labors with common politeness.

THE PHUNNY MAN

Thare iz hardly ennything that a man iz so vain ov az the humor that iz in him.

The phunny man iz seldum an humorist, and never a wit.

Hiz only pride iz tew make you laff; he seldum rizes abuv a jest, and very often iz the only one who kan see enny point even in that.

He iz generally the hero ov the ockashun in the rural distrikts, and kuntry bumbkins laff obstreprous whenever he opens his mouth.

The phunny man iz the clown at large, and hiz jests are sumtimes amuzing, but never remembered.

Thare iz seldum enny taint ov originality in him, and the quips and the quirks he deals in are old saws reset and refiled, and bad enuff done at that.

It iz a dredful unfortunit thing tew deal in cast oph jokes; for, like the old clothes bizzness, they will stick tew a man all thru life.

THE CHEEKY MAN

Impudence, or sumthing like it, iz the leading trait in most suckcessful mens karakters.

All the nice things that hav bin sed in favour ov modesty, fail tew stand the test when brought into the pull and haul of every-day life.

Bold assurance, while it may often disgust us; will win 9 times out ov 10.

We all ov us praze the modest, but our praze iz only a kind ov pitty, and pitty will ruin enny man.

Enny man will liv four times az long on abuse, and git phatt, az he will on pitty.

Thare iz now and then a man who iz modest, but intensely in earnest, and sutch men sweep everything before them.

The karakter ov the modest man iz a good thing, and a butiful thing tew frame and hang up in a private apartment, but experience teaches us that if we wait for our turn in this world, our turn never seems tew come round.

The cheeky man never enjoys thoze delightful sensations which arize from having yielded tew others; hiz logick iz that the arly bird gits the worm, and, regardless ov all delikasy, he goze for the worm.

Thare seems tew be nothing now daze that will warrant sukcess like cheek, and the more cheek the better, even if you hav az mutch as a mule.

THE LIVE MAN

The Live Man iz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins tew root arly.

He iz the pepper-sass ov creation – the all-spice ov the world.

One Live Man in a village is like a case ov itch in a distrikt skool – he sets evry boddy scratching at onst.

A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month ov January, thru a half inch augur-hole, and sing “Home! sweet home!” while the molasis iz running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this climate.

The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar – he iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.

He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew spare than a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons.

He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at least 18 months each year.

He is like a runaway hoss; he gits the whole ov the road.

He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze everyboddy else duz.

The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions, just as the frog duz, and don’t alwus land at the spot he is looking at.

He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has done more (with charcoal) tew work out the greatness of this country than any other man in it.

He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree.

He don’t alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss.

THE FAULT-FINDER

Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov human critters are alwuss full ov self consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old-bachelor, for instanze, odars a pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the trane, and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don’t believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus it under protess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing, and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I never maik their ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sumboddy’s small pox, bekause i am a looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder! if yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and if yu jine in with them yu onla maik them mad with them selfs.

I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good luk. The more i think ov it, the more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much like bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny eels.

Thare are many singular beins in this world, but i fancy the singularest are the

JOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN

Yu inform me, mi dear sir, that yu are a member ov the sosiety “for the prevenshun ov kruelty tew animiles.”

Allow me tew simpathize with yu, bi saying, that i am glad ov it.

It iz a nobel institushun, and stands ahed ov the prevenshun ov kruelty tew humans.

It iz a fakt, that thoze who are kind tew animiles, are kind tew humans.

I am not acquainted with Mr. Bergh, the president ov yure assosiashun, whom yu speak ov so kindly, i dont kno him personally, but i kno him at a distance, he is very tall.

In yure letter tew me, yu speak very tenderly about the Injuns, and ask me, “if thare aint sum way, tew alleviate the condishun ov the nobel red man on our frontier.”