The Complete Works of Josh Billings

Thare iz one man in this basement world that i alwus look upon with mixt pheelings ov pitty and respekt.

Pitty and respekt, az a genral mixtur, don’t mix well.

You will find them both traveling around amungst folks, but not growing on the same bush.

When they do hug each other, they mean sumthing.

Pitty, without respekt, hain’t got much more oats in it than disgust haz.

I had rather a man would hit me on the side ov the hed than tew pitty me.

But thare iz one man in this world to whom i alwus take oph mi hat, and remain uncovered untill he gits safely by, and that iz the distrikt skoolmaster.

When I meet him, I look upon him az a martyr just returning from the stake, or on hiz way thare tew be cooked.

He leads a more lonesum and single life than an old bachelor, and a more anxious one than an old maid.

He iz remembered jist about az long and affektionately az a gide board iz by a traveling pack pedlar.

If he undertakes tew make hiz skollars luv him, the chances are he will neglekt their larning; and if he don’t lick them now and then pretty often, they will soon lick him.

The distrikt skoolmaster hain’t got a friend on the flat side ov earth. The boys snow-ball him during recess; the girls put water in hiz hair die; and the skool committee make him work for haff the money a bartender gits, and board him around the naberhood, whare they giv him rhy coffee, sweetened with mollassis, tew drink, and kodfish bawls 3 times a day for vittles.

And, with all this abuse, I never heard ov a distrikt skoolmaster swareing enny thing louder than —Condem it.

Don’t talk tew me about the pashunce ov anshunt Job.

Job had pretty plenty ov biles all over him, no doubt, but they were all ov one breed.

Every yung one in a distrikt skool iz a bile ov a diffrent breed, and each one needs a diffrent kind ov poultiss tew git a good head on them.

A distrikt skoolmaster, who duz a square job and takes hiz codfish bawls reverently, iz a better man to day tew hav lieing around loose than Soloman would be arrayed in all ov hiz glory.

Soloman waz better at writing proverbs and manageing a large family, than he would be tew navigate a distrikt skool hous.

Enny man who haz kept a distrikt skool for ten years, and boarded around the naberhood, ought tew be made a mager gineral, and hav a penshun for the rest ov hiz natral days, and a hoss and waggin tew do hiz going around in.

But, az a genral consequence, a distrikt skoolmaster hain’t got any more warm friends than an old blind fox houn haz.

He iz jist about az welkum az a tax gatherer iz.

He is respekted a good deal az a man iz whom we owe a debt ov 50 dollars to and don’t mean tew pay.

He goes through life on a back road, az poor az a wood sled, and finally iz missed – but what ever bekums ov hiz remains, i kant tell.

Fortunately he iz not often a sensitive man; if he waz, he couldn’t enny more keep a distrikt skool than he could file a kross kut saw.

Whi iz it that theze men and wimmen, who pashuntly and with crazed brain teach our remorseless brats the tejus meaning ov the alphabet, who take the fust welding heat on their destinys, who lay the stepping stones and enkurrage them tew mount upwards, who hav dun more hard and mean work than enny klass on the futstool, who have prayed over the reprobate, strengthened the timid, restrained the outrageous, and flattered the imbecile, who hav lived on kodfish and vile coffee, and hain’t been heard to sware – whi iz it that they are treated like a vagrant fiddler, danced to for a night, paid oph in the morning, and eagerly forgotten?

I had rather burn a coal pit, or keep the flys out ov a butcher’s shop in the month ov August, than meddle with the distrikt skool bizzness.

SINGULAR BEINGS

THE POMPOUS MAN

The pompous man iz generally a snob at home and abroad.

He fills himself up with an east wind and thinks he iz grate just bekauze he happens tew feel big.

He talks loud and large, but deceives noboddy who will take the trubble tew meazzure him.

He iz a man ov small caliber, but a good deal ov bore.

Hiz family looks upon him az the gratest man that the world haz had the honor to produce lately, and tho he gits snubbed often amungst folks, lie rekompenses himself bi going home and snubbing hiz family.

THE ONE IDEA MAN

The one idea man iz like the merino ram, he shuts up both eyes and goze for things inkontinently. He misses, ov course, oftener than he hits, but don’t kno the difference, and is always reddy to argue the question. Yu kant konvince him that he iz wrong enny more than you kan a hornet.

One idea men are their own wust enemys, and there iz but one kure for them, and that iz tew agree with them. If yu think just az they do, they will soon want tew think sum other way, and that lets two ideas git into their hed, which makes them perhaps endurable.

THE HAPPY MAN

The happy man iz a poor judge of hiz own bliss, for he kant set down and deskribe it.

Happiness iz like helth – thoze who hav the most ov it seem tew kno it the least.

Yu kant go out in the spring ov the year and gather happiness along the side ov the road just the same az you would dandylions – noboddy but a natral born phool kan do this they are alwus happy, ov course.

When i hear a man bragging how happy he iz, he dont cheat me, he only cheats himself.

THE HENPECKED MAN

The henpecked man iz most generally married; but thare are instances on reckord of single men being harrassed by the pullets.

Yu kan alwus tell one ov theze kind ov men, espeshily if they are in the company ov their wives. They look az humble and resighned tew their fate az a hen turkey in a wet day.

Thare aint nothing that will take the starch out ov a man like being pecked by a woman. It is wuss than a seven months’ turn ov the fever and agy.

The wives ov hen-pecked husbands most alwus out liv their viktims, and I hav known them tew git marrid agin, and git hold ov a man that time (thank the Lord!) who understood all the hen-peck dodges.

One ov these kind ov husbands iz an honor tew his sex.

The hen-pecked man, when he gits out amungst men, puts on an air ov bravery and defiance, and once in a while will git a leetle drunk, and then go home with a firm resolve that he will be captain ov his household; but the old woman soon takes the glory out ov him, and handles him just az she would a haff-grown chicken, who had fell into the swill barrel, and had tew be jerked out dredful quick.

THE OFFICIOUS MAN

The officious man stands around rubbing his hands, anxious for a job.