The Complete Works of Josh Billings

I never bet: not so mutch bekause i am afrade i shall loze, az bekauze i am afrade i shall win.

A phools money iz like hiz brains, very oneazy.

I don’t think the height ov impudence haz ever been reached yet, altho menny hav made a good try for it.

The reason whi all the works ov nature are so impressive, iz bekauze, they represent ideas.

The books which summer tourists carry about with them are desighned more to employ the hands, than improve the branes.

The man whoze whole strength lays in his money iz a weak man; I had rather be able tew milk a cow suckcessfully, on the wrong side, than to be such a man.

Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don’t appear tew me to be enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are.

But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, than tew see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov christian fortitude, struggling with a mustach.

REMARKS

Marrying a woman for her munny is vera mutch like setting a rat-trap, and baiting it with yure own finger.

It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde tew bekum a raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and see if he aint better konstructed for a phool.

I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, if he is rong he kant be too conservatiff.

I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men.

I beleave in suggar coated pills. – I also beleave that virtue and wisdum kan be smuggled into a man’s soul bi a good natured proverb, better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a worm-wood mallet and chissell.

The pure don’t grow old enny more than a mountain spring dus.

Rize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for damages.

Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God kant help but smile on it.

I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, (in the clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county; for in the fust case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good qualitys, while in the other case, i probably should never be told by my looking-glass that i was a phool.

Awl human happiness is conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don’t serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long.

Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life yet we all waste more time than we uze.

That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their ansesstors, and their grate descent, when in fack, their grate descent iz jist what’s the matter ov them.

We are told “that an honest man is the noblest work ov God” – but the demand for the work has been so limited, that i hav thought a large share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author’s hands.

I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling what he would have did if he had bin thare; I hav notised that this kind never git thare.

Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn’t much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump; he kant remember when he waz a tadpole – but other folks kan.

I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet, or else he is boring in the rong plase.

Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe politeness; a goose has a grate deal of this last kind ov politeness; i have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was 18 foot high.

God save the phools! and don’t let them run out, for if it want for them, wise men couldn’t get a livin.

Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch pudding and milk, even, will worry a man.

The man who kan ware a paper collar a hole week and keap, it klean, aint fit for enny thing else.

NOSEGAYS

The man who iz alwus anxious tew assume a responsibility, iz either a phool, or a knave, i dont kno which.

If yu want to klime a tree yu hav got tew begin at the bottom.

As spunky people az i hav ever known have been az arrant kowards.

I had mutch rather alwuss look forward tew the time, when i am going tew ride in a carriage, than tew look bak once tew the time when i used to do it.

A certain amount of cerimony seems tew be necessary to run the soshul masheen with, but when pholks git so mutch cerimony on hand, that they have tew be formaly introduced every time they meet at an evening meeting, i think that they hav wore the flesh all oph from cerimony.

When i cum akrost people who are perfektly krazy for ventilashun, i say to miself, “that kritter was brought up in a windmill.”

The majority ov the world are like rats, they live upon plunder and forsake a sinking ship.

Punktuality is one grate element ov sukcess.

A watch that dont keep korrekt time is wuss than no watch at all.

Grate powers are useful only az they are made serviceable – the value ov a hoss depends upon hiz being well broke.

Too mutch branes iz rather a hindrance than a help to a simply bizzness man.

A praktikal joke iz like a fall on the ice, thare may be phun in it, but the one that falls kant alwus see it.

The soundest wisdum cums from experience, but thare iz a nearer road to it allmost az sure – reading and reflekshun.

He who reads and don’t reflekt, iz like the one who eats and don’t exercise.

The best reformers the world haz ever seen are thoze who commense on themselfs.

He who simply repents ov a sin pays only 50 cents on a dollar, while he who forsakes it pays one hundred.

The more a person hunts for the mote in hiz brother’s eye the plainer he will diskover – if he iz a man ov sense – the beam in his own.

People are more apt tew make a shield ov their religion than they are a pruning-hook.

Religion iz too often kut az the clothes are, ackording tew the prevailing fashun.

It iz eazier tew be virtewous than it iz tew appear so, and it pays better.