The Complete Works of Josh Billings

I hav seen those who were az full ov awl sorts ov learning az the heavens are ov wind; they are just the things to cut up into weather-cocks.

If a man iz thoroughly satisfied with himself, he will be very well satisfied with evrybody else.

“Blessed are the meek and lowly” (and very lucky, too, if they don’t git their noze pulled.)

If death iz an evil, birth iz a greater one.

One ov the fussyest scenes I ever listened to, waz two old maids, waiting on one sick bachelor.

If we take all the hard sledding ov this life, and make it four times az mutch, it wont amount tew the affliktions that men pile on to each other.

I think evry man and woman on earth, ought tew wear on their hat-band theze words, in large letters: “Lead us not into temtashun.”

I never knew ennyboddy yet to git stung by hornets, who kept away from whare they waz – it iz jist so with bad-luck.

Blessed iz he who haz got a good wife and knows how to sail her.

The true definition ov a luxury iz sumthing that another feller haint got the stamps to buy.

Blessed iz he who alwus carrys a big stone in hiz hand but never heaves her.

Pissmires on the level, are only insignificent, but when they git up on end and begin tew strut on 2 legs they are permanantly ridiklous.

I never read the comick papers, dear Jesse, enny more than I would eat rye-bread when I am away from home.

Yu kan judge ov a mans religion very well by hearing him talk, but yu kant judge ov hiz piety by what he sez, enny more than yu kan judge ov hiz amount ov linnen by the stick out ov hiz collar and waistbands.

DRIED FRUIT

When a rooster crows, he crows all over.

A poor, but dishonest cuss iz about az low down az enny man kan git, unless he drinks whiskee too.

Error will slip thru a crack, while truth will git stuck in a doorway.

The man who haz just found out he kant afford tew burn green wood haz taken hiz fust lesson in ekonemy.

Thare iz only one thing that kan beat truth, and that iz he who alwus speaks it.

It iz hard work, at fust sight, tew see the wisdum ov a rattle snaik bite, but thare iz thousands ov folks who never think ov their sins untill they are bit bi a rattle snaik.

Thare iz a grate deal ov human natur in a krab, if yu don’t pick them up in the right way, yu will diskover it.

I think now, if i had all the money that iz due me, i would invest it in a saw mill, and then “let her rip.”

Take the humbugg out ov this world, and yu wont hav mutch left tew do bizzness with.

When we say, “such a man haz bowels ov mercy,” do we mean tew be understood that he iz a light eater?

Faith and curiosity are the gin cocktails ov suckcess.

Advertising iz sed tew be a certain means of success; sum folks are so impressed with this truth, that it sticks out ov their tombstun.

Thare iz this diffrence between ignorance and error; ignorance iz stone blind, and error iz near-sighted; ignorance stands still and error only moves to run agin a post.

Economy iz a savings bank, into which men drop pennys, and git dollars in return.

There iz one thing yu kant put out, and that iz yure conscience; yu may smother it, but a coal pit, it kontains the charred remains.

The two richest men now living in Amerika that i kno of, iz the one who haz got the most money and the other who wants the least; and the last one iz the happiest ov the two.

REMNANTS

Customs are like grease – they make ennything slip eazy.

Thare iz sum things that kant be counterfitted – a blush iz one ov them.

Goodness iz jist az mutch ov a studdy az mathumaticks iz.

If a man expekts tew be very virtewous he musn’t mix too much with the world, nor too mutch with himself neither.

Thare iz more deviltry in the world than thare iz ignorance.

The people who acktually deserve tew liv their lives over agin are the verry ones who dont want to do it.

The richest man ov all iz he who haz got but little, but haz got all he wants.

Natur makes all the noblemen – wealth, edukashun, nor pedigree, never made one yet.

When a man duz me a favour i alwus try tew remember it, and when he duz me an injury i alwus try tew forget it – if i dont, I ought to.

If a man iz honest he may not alwus be in the right, but he kan never be in the wrong.

Grate talkers are generally grate liars, for men who talk so mutch must sooner or later, run out ov the truth, and tell what they dont kno.

I dont bet thare iz enny sich thing az a perfektly good man, or a perfekly bad man.

I kno ov enny quantity ov people whose virtews are at the mercy ov other folks, who are good simply for the reputashun ov it, who haven’t got enny more real appetite tew their conscience than a klam haz.

I hav studdyed mi own karakter, and mi own impulses for 39 years clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether i am an honest and trew man or not – if thare iz enny boddy who knows about this matter i wish they would address me a letter, enklosing a postage blister.

Thare iz no sekts, nor religious disputes amung the heathen, they all of them cook a missionary in the same way.

One grate reazon whi “Jordan iz sich a ruff road tew travel,” iz bekauze, almost every boddy works inside ov their own lot, and lets the turnpike take care ov itself.

Thare iz lots ov folks who expekt tew eskape Hell jist bekauze the crowd iz so grate that are going thare.

Every man makes hiz own pedigree, and the best pedigree iz a clear conscience.