The Complete Works of Josh Billings

Exchanging kompliments iz another name for exchanging lies.

The greatest thief this world haz ever produced iz Procrastination, and he is still at large.

Religion iz nothing more than a chattel mortgage, excepted, and rekorded, az sekurity for a man’s morality, and virtew.

White lies are sed tew be innocent, but i am satisfied that enny man who will lie for phun, after a while will lie for wages.

The most valuable thing in this world iz Time, and yet people waste it as they do water, most of them letting it run full head, and even the most prudent let it drizzle.

The devil himself, with all hiz genius, allways travels under an alias – this shows the power of truth and morality.

If a dog falls in love with you at first sight, it will do to trust him – not so with a man.

One ov the hardest things to do is to be a good listener, thoze who are stone deaf succeed the best.

If you don’t kno how to lie, cheat and steal, turn yure attenshun to pollyticks, and learn how.

Thare are men who seem to be born on purpose to step into every thing, they kant set a common rat trap without gitting ketched in it.

A sekret iz like an aking tooth, it keeps us uneasy until it iz out.

I hav larn’t one thing, bi grate experience, and that iz, I want as much watching az mi nabors do.

The only way to larn sum men how to do enny thing, iz to do it yourself.

I don’t rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing, unless thare waz a man or two around.

A wize man is never so mutch alone, as when he iz in a crowd, and never so mutch in a crowd as when he iz alone.

I am satisfied that thare iz more weakness among men than malice.

Thare iz no man in the world so easy to cheat az ourselfs.

I don’t kno ov ennything that will kill a man so quick az praize that he don’t deserve.

Repentanse should be the effekt ov love – not fear.

The soul haz more disseases than the boddy haz.

Things that we kant do wouldn’t be ov enny use to us, if we could do them.

Amongst animals the most ignorant are the most stubborn, and i wonder if this ain’t so amungst men.

A phool seems tew be a person who haz more will than judgment, and more vanity than either.

The fust intimashun i had that i waz gitting old waz, i found myself telling to mi friends the same storys over again.

In repenting ov sins, men are apt tew repent ov thoze they haint got, and overlook thoze they hav.

A dandy never yet fell in love – only with himself.

Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but vanity always keeps one eye open.

Thoze folks who expekt to fail in an enterprise, most generally do.

A man with only one accomplishment kant expekt to interest us long.

We all git tired pretty soon looking at a goose standing on one leg.

EMBERS ON THE HARTH

The moon looks down at night upon the vices of the world and yet remains az chaste az ever.

Caution and curiosity are the privy counsillers ov truth.

I had rather not have a thing than tew be obliged tew wait for it.

We are always a-looking ahed, and that iz the way tew look; if the man at the wheel looks back he will soon beach hiz vessell.

The time tew be karefullest iz when we hav a hand full ov trumps.

I am a poor man, but i hav this consolashun, i am poor by acksident, not desighn.

What an unreal life most folks lead; they don’t ever hav a genuine taste ov sorrow during their existence.

How menny people thare iz whoze importance depends entirely upon the size ov their hotel bills.

Mother!– The holy thoughts and chastened memorys that cluster around this name can never be so well expressed az in the calm utterance ov the name itself.

It iz a good thing tew be hedstrong, but it iz a better thing tew understand that a stun-wall iz a hard thing tew buk agin.

Mankind ain’t apt tew respekt verry mutch what they are familiar with, it iz what we don’t know, or kant see, that we hanker for.

When i see people ov shaller understandings extravagantly clothed, i always feel sorry – for the clothes.

I am just az certain that thare iz sitch a thing az “Spiritual manafestashuns” az i am that there iz plenty ov superstishun and trickery.

Prosperity makes us suspicious ov each other, while adversity makes us trust in each other – the only way that i kan akount for this iz that in prosperity we hav sumthing tew lose, while in adversity we hav everything tew gain.

I konsider it a grate kompliment tew religion that there are only two substitutes for it; one iz hipokrasy, and the other iz superstishun.

It iz a safe mistake tew make to call a man “Kurnel,” who may in fakt be only a 4th Korporal.

We are never nearer right than we am when we fear we are rong.

Modesty weighs a pound, impudence only 6 ounces, this ackounts for the diffidence ov the one, and the vivacity ov the other.

Envy iz not so bad a pashun when it prompts us tew bild our chimney higher than our nabors, but when it prompts us tew hurt hiz draft it iz an awful mean one.