The Complete Works of Josh Billings

I thank the Lord for one thing, that he haz made the word no the hardest one in any language tew say.

Old dorgs nuss their grudges, but yung pupps fight and then frolik.

A man may git a big fut, or a pug noze, bi birthright, but nine-tenths ov hiz virtews are the effekt ov associashun or edukashun.

Confess yure sorrows, yure fears, yure hopes, yure love, and even yure deviltrys tew men, but don’t let them git a smell ov yure poverty – poverty haz no friends, not even among paupers.

Larning iz the only good substitute for experience.

I suppoze the reazon whi we all ov us admire the Atlantik Ocean so mutch iz bekauze it don’t belong tew enny boddy in partiklar; for what we kant own, iz about all that we aint jealous ov.

Pedantry iz ignorant knowledge.

Thare iz this difference between modesty and bashfulness, one iz paint under the skin, and the other iz paint on the outside ov it, liable tew wash oph.

Abstinence should be the exception, and temperance the rule.

If a man should happen tew reach perfeckshun in this world, he would hav tew die immediately tew enjoy himself.

One ov the best evidences ov our immortality, iz our desires tew be so.

A man who haint got enny imaginashun at all, iz just right for a hitching post.

Old age iz covetous, bekauze it haz larnt bi experience, that the best friend a man haz in this world, iz hiz pocket-book.

Love iz the fust pashun ov the heart, ambishun the seckond and avarice the third, and last.

Patience will tire out ennything but musketoes.

Deference iz silent flattery.

The chains ov slavery are none the less gauling for being made ov gold.

The love that a man gains by flattery, is worth just about az mutch az the flattery is.

“Happy as a king,” iz a libel on happiness, and on the king to.

If you will be familiar, you must expekt tew loose the confidence ov phools, and the esteem ov the wize.

Learning iz a good deal like strength, it requires good hoss sense tew know how tew apply it.

Grate men are knot bi enny means the best ov companyuns, they seldum kan ever enjoy themselfs.

Confess yure sins tew the Lord, and yu will be forgiven, confess them tew men, and yu will be laffed at.

Impudence is nothing more than open hipokrasy.

About the most we kan hope in our old age iz tew endure the thoughts ov what we enjoyed when we waz young.

There iz only one good substitute for the endearments ov a sister, and that iz the endearments ov sum other pheller’s sister.

HOT KORN

Thare iz a grate deal ov rezolushun in Gin, but kussid little judgment.

A nikname will not only outliv a man, but outlast even hiz tombstun.

What iz the chief end ov man? To foot hiz wife’s bills and foot the man who insults her.

A genial old man iz pleasant tew look upon, but a frisky old man is too mutch like an Irish wake to be captivating.

A man who kant fiddle but one tune, i don’t kare how well he kan do it, ain’t a permanent suckcess.

After all i don’t kno az thare iz ennything in this world that pays mutch better than being a natral born phool.

A literary reputashun iz hard tew git and eazy tew loose, and when once lost iz lost forever.

Thare iz grate art in growing old gracefully.

If a man haz got a good reputashun he better git it insured, for they are dredful risky.

Misplaced charity iz a good blunder tew make. If yu want tew git a good general idee ov a man’s karakter find out from him what hiz opinion ov his nabor iz.

It iz a grate deal better for a man tew be defamed than tew be praized for what he don’t possess.

Genuine happiness is like a genuine ghost, everyboddy talks about them and seems tew beleaf in them, but i guess noboddy hain’t seen one yet.

Solomon remarked “that thare want ennything nu under the sun,” and it duz really seem that if a man sez ennything nu he haz got tew lie a leetle tew do it.

I serpose that whi advise is such a drug in the market iz bekauze the supply alwus exceeds the demand.

Dandys and blujays are alike, both worthless without their feathers.

Gold seems tew be the standard of all values in this world Even virtew in a poor man, iz quoted 75 per cent belo par.

Watching one’s helth all the time iz like watching the weather – a grate deal of time iz lost, and thare iz just az menny showers after all.

We hear a good deal sed about the freaks ov natur, but i hav alwus noticed that when natur makes a two-legged swine, she takes a mighty sight ov pains about it.

Gravity iz the homage that a phool pays to wisdum, without knowing it.

A flatterer iz a common enemy.

If mankind were obliged tew giv their gifts sekretly, they would look upon it az a grate hardship.

He that won’t listen, kan’t learn; phools and bobalinks are poor listeners, and hav but one song.

Thare iz nothing we talk so fluently about az happiness, and nothing we kno so little about.