The Complete Works of Josh Billings

To be a gentleman, – git ritch, and keep a hoss and buggy.

Virtew in a poor man iz looked upon az a jewel in a tuds noze.

The man who iz a tyrant in hiz household iz an abjekt cuss amung hiz equals.

After a man iz fairly born the next grate blessing iz a square deth.

Virtew iz like strength, no man kan tell how mutch he haz got ov it till he cums akrost sumthing he kant lift.

I hav cum tew the konklusion that what every boddy praizes wants cluss watching.

Thare iz nothing the wurld will pay so mutch for az fust rate nonsense, and thare iz nothing in the market so skarse.

Thare iz menny folks who are like mules, the only way tew their affeckshuns iz thru the kindness ov a klub.

Thare aint but phew people who know how to giv gifts, and the number who kno how tew receive them iz less.

The strongest propensity in womans natur iz to want to know “whats going on!” and the next strongest, iz tew boss the job.

Skorn not the day ov little things, for thare iz no man in this world so grate but what sum one kan do him a favor or an injury.

Thare iz one witness that never iz guilty ov perjury, and that iz the conscience.

Thare iz sich a thing az being alwus too quick – i am one ov that kind miself, i alwus miss a rale rode train bi being thare a haff an our too soon.

REMARKS

When a man hain’t got enny thing to say, then iz a good time tew keep still, – thare iz but few people who hav missed a good opportunity tew ventilate their opiniyuns.

Just about az cerimonys creep into one end ov a church piety creeps out ov the other.

Thoze who hav the fewest failings, see the fewest in others.

Pride iz az universal az hair on the hed – sum are proud ov their virtews, sum ov their vices, and sum, having neither themselves, brag on other people’s.

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.

An industrious man iz seldom a bad man.

Men will believe their pashuns quicker than they will their consciences, and yet their pashuns are generally wrong, and their consciences alwus right.

It ain’t mutch truble tew bear the pain or sum boddy else’s lame back, but tew hav the lame back oneself ain’t so stylish.

Dispising fortune iz not a sure way tew gain her favors, – pipe to her, and she may dance to you.

Take all the interest out ov this world, and there wouldn’t be friendship enuff left for seed.

Sekrets are a burden, and that iz one reason why we are anxious to hav sumboddy help us carry them.

I hav seen men so full ov vanity, that they could not endure the sight ov a peacock, with his tale on parade.

The most excruciating bore I know is excessive politeness.

If I was called upon tew describe Eloquence, I should do it az I would a suit ov clothes, – ‘ov suitable texture and a perfect fit.’

Gravity iz no more an evidence ov wisdom, than it iz ov ill natur.

The greater the man, the less hiz virteus appear, and the larger hiz faults.

The man who hain’t got an enemy, iz really poor.

Don’t mistake vivacity for wit, thare iz just az mutch diffrence as thare iz between lightning and a lightning bug.

No man ever yet undertook tew alter his natur by substituting sum invenshun ov his own, but what made a botch job ov it.

Religion in theze days, iz compozed ov vanity, and piety, and each man and woman iz a better judge ov the proportion than I am.

Lovers feed upon mysteries, but after they are married, and the pork and beans are brought on, they hav a fair chance tew test the real qualitys ov their appetights.

An insult tew one man iz an insult tew all, for it may be our turn next.

I don’t kno ov enny thing that would use the whole ov us up more thoroughly, than tew hev all ov our wishes gratified.

Thare iz 2 kinds ov obstinacy, obstinacy in the right, and obstinacy in the wrong, one iz the strength ov a grate mind, and the other iz the strength ov a little one.

Lazyness iz like mollassis, sweet and sticky.

I think a bear in hiz claws, iz prefarable tew one with gloves on.

I kant tell now which I admire least, an old coquett, or a young prude.

Misanthropy don’t pay – thare aint no man living whoze hate the world cares one cuss for.

Rash men ken be korrekted, but it dont pay to labour with a phool.

The man who haz never enjoyed the plezzure ov being forgiven, haz missed one ov the greatest luxurys ov life.

I hav seen coquettry, that had no more malice in it, than a ewe lamb, frisking on the green.

When i cum acrost a man who utters hiz opinyuns with immense deliberashun, and after they are uttered they dont amount to ennything, I write him down “misterious phool.”

The grate cry ov the world now daze iz, “Whats trumps.”

Love iz a weakness, – but it iz the same kind ov a weakness that repentance iz, both ov them are creditable tew our natures.

A man iz hiz own best friend, and worst enemy.

Jealousy iz one ov loves parasites.