The Complete Works of Josh Billings

Wicked men should pay homage tew virtew, for though they do not honor her she iz their gratest safeguard.

The man who haint got enny religion tew defend won’t defend ennything.

Whi iz it that we despize the man who puts himself in our power, and are quite az apt to respekt him just in proporshun az he iz out of our reach.

Modesty iz strength, but diffidence iz weakness. Modesty iz always an evidence ov worth, while diffidence may be a consciousness ov evil.

Thare iz but very phew real suckcesses in this world that are undeserved.

Let no man flatter himself that he kant be spared. Thare iz more people waiting tew step into hiz shuze than he iz aware ov.

The longer i liv the more i am convinced that mankind gro different not worse. Us old pholks are apt to konfound the terms.

A wicked man iz no kompany for himselfs.

All people luv authority, but the vulgar luv it the most.

It iz eazy enuff tew get at enny man’s wealth, for he that alwus wants more iz poor, and he that would be satisfied with less iz ritch.

We pitty others bekauz we are better oph ourselves; the unfortunate dont pitty the unfortunate.

Pride and poverty hav travelled together now for about 5 thousand years, and pretend to luv each other, but they kant phool ennyboddy but themselfs.

Lazy men are alwuss the most posative. They are too lazy to inform themselfs, and too lazy to change their minds.

A man will defend his weak spots a grate deal more sharply than he will hiz strong ones.

If men were stubborn just in proporshun az they waz right, stubborness would take her seat among the virtews, but men are generally stubborn just in proporshun az they are ignorant and wrong.

Genius after all ain’t ennything more than elegant kommon sense.

Thare iz a grate deal ov dignity in this world, that iz komposed entirely ov dignity, and nothing else.

We hav professors who teach the art ov talking korrektly, whi kant we hav sum who will teach the art ov listening pashuntly.

A skeptik iz one who knows too mutch to be a good phool, and too little to be wise.

Slander travels on the wind, and whare it cums from, and whare it will go we don’t enny ov us seem tew kno.

Look out for thoze pholks who are familiar on short notiss, they are like hornets, they mean sting.

When a man ov larning talks he makes us wonder, but a wize man makes us think.

It iz safe to say that thoze who go into solitude are not fit for sosiety, and thoze who are not fit for sosiety are certainly unfit for solitude.

A sophist iz one who puts hiz light under a half-bushel for the sake ov letting the light shine thru the kracks.

Style in writing iz like style in dress – a good fit.

How menny suspishus people one meets in this world. If their nozes waz stuffed with kotton wool they would smell sum kind ov a rat.

Most ov the animiles and insex (az well az the men) liv on each other, but the spider iz the meanest in the whole lot, for they set traps for their viktims, and dont even bait the traps.

What should we do if it want for the churches? Thare iz a plenty ov people who kant worship God only in a church. If they were out in a field on the Sabbath day they would at once bekum lawless, and fall to digging out woodchucks or hunting for bumblebees’ nests.

People worth noticing should never forgit that everything they say and do iz watched by sumboddy, and it iz equally true that the good things are generally forgot, but the bad ones never.

I phully apreshiate the proverb, “that speech iz silver, but silence iz golden,” but i must say that sum ov the most diskreet and dignified phools that i hav ever met hav been thoze who never ventured an opinyun on enny subjekt.

What iz happier tew meet than a good temper? It iz like the sun bi day and the soft harvest moon bi nite.

Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and haff the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny more fragrance on the cuss.

Sum pholks are natrally so kross and krabbid that it iz an insult tew them to ask them tew be polite. Yu mite as well ask a dog tew take the krook out ov hiz tale, and be a gentleman.

Thare iz a grate deal ov religion in this world that iz like a life-preserver – only put on at the moment ov extreme danger, and put on then, haff the time, hind side before.

With all the howling for liberty that men and wimmin engage in, thare iz, after all, but very little ov it in the world – we are all ov us slaves to sumthing.

I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with the world, and retired into solitude; but i hav never heard ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting on them and asking them tew kum bak.

Pedigree may be valuabel for a man, but i notiss it ain’t wuth mutch for a hoss: for the fust question that iz asked, iz: “What can he go out and show?”

I never hav known a man yet die at three skore years and ten possessed ov the welth that he had got rongfully.

Peace iz the shaddo that the setting sun ov a virtewous life kasts.

Side by side ov Plain Truth stands Common Sense – two ov the gratest warriors time haz ever produced.

Diogoneze waz a grater man than Alexander, not bekauze he lived in a tub, but bekauze a tub waz all he wanted tew liv in; wealth could not flatter him, nor could poverty make him afrade.

It takes just 3 times az long tew tell a lie, on enny subjekt, az it duz tew tell the truth.

Vanity iz the most jealous disseaze; i hav saw men so vain that they kouldn’t look with kompozure upon a peakok spreading hiz appendix tew the morning sun.

Tru valor iz like honesty, it enters into all that a man sez or duz.

The man who thinks “he kant do it,” iz alwuss more than haff right.

One ov the hardest things tew learn a child, iz tew tell the truth, but it should be done, if – death ensues.

SHOOTING STARS

Most people are like an egg, too phull ov themselfs to hold enny thing else.

Thare iz this difference between genius and tallent, one iz a natral reservoi, and the other haz tew be kontinually pumpt up.

“Misery luvs kompany,” but kant bear kompetishun, thare aint no boddy but what thinks thare bile iz the sorest bile in markit.