The Complete Works of Josh Billings

THE INTERVIEWER

I pitty the poor Interviewer, he iz not alwus a bad phellow at heart, but hiz trade iz a mean one, and the bizzness haz spilte him.

I would rather lead a blind mule on the tow-path for a living, or retail soft klams from a ricketty waggon, than tew be an Interviewer, and worry people with questions, they waz afrade tew answer and too vain tew refuse.

The Interviewer iz a human hosstrich, feeding on enny thing he kan find, and digesting eazy enny thing he can swallo.

He iz a kind ov kultivated hyena, and makes yu shudder to think, that at enny moment, he may turn wild and begin tew hunt for a human beefstake.

He haz just branes enuff tew keep hiz impudence aktiv, and tho he haz but little malice, he will hunt yu sharper, and worry yu wuss, than a canal boat bedbug.

He iz like a ritch cheeze, chuck phull ov little things.

Thare iz no eskaping this breed ov kritters, if yu run they will overtake yu, if yu steal into yure hole they will either dig for yu, or stand around on the outside till yu cum out.

They are wuss than a flea tew a long-haired dog.

Interviewers are a cross between the old-fashioned quid nunk and the modern Buzzer, and are a pesky improvement on both.

Death itself iz no eskape from the Interviewer, for they will hang around the departure till they git an item, and then go for the widow.

The Interviewer would rather tell the truth if he kan, but aint discouraged if he iz forced tew tell what aint so.

They are az dangerous tew admit into yure konfidence az a pickpocket iz, not bekause they will take enny spoons, but bekauze yu are haff afrade they will.

Modesty would ruin an Interviewer, delikasy would unfit him for bizzness, he kan even thrive without being honest, and tew make him an adept in hiz calling, he dont require enny more tenderness than an undertaker duz.

Yu kan git rid ov a hornet by brakeing his nek, yu kan outrun a blak snaik, and kan hide from the sheriff, but the Interviewer, like the cursid muskeeter in the dark, hovers around yu, and if he don’t bight, he sings, which is the wusstest ov the two.

I hav bin lit onto by the Interviewer miself, and hav answered hiz questions, az honest az ever a child did the katekism, and the next day read the dialogue in the morning paper, and it waz all az new to me az Old Probabilitiz log ov the weather.

Don’t never tell any sekrets tew an Interviewer; he will open them az they open oysters in the market, and retail them on the haff shell.

I treat all interviewers politely; when they begin tew bait me, i ask them tew smoke (i never knu one to refuse), and when they press me too clussly then i begin tew whissell.

I am an awful poor whissler enny how.

I do really pitty the poor Interviewer; he works for hiz bread like enny other skribbler, and for what i kno, hates the bizzness, but i am sad when I say, that if he iz good at interviewing, he iz too impudent tew be good for enny thing else.

Sum people luv tew be interviewed, and i must say, theze kind of pholks never reach the dignity ov impudence; they are simply disgusting.

Yu kant git a journeyman Interviewer tew waste enny time on sutch stale goods; he would az soon think of interviewing a last year’s birds’ nest, or a kuntry gide-board.

Thare iz no kure for a reglar Interviewer; he thirsts for the game like a fox hound on the trak; he livs upon plunder, and would rather be sent up for 30 daze than to see hiz collum in the morning Gazzette without a trophy.

THE MUSK RAT

The musk rat iz bigger than a squirrell, and smaller than a woodchuk, and iz az unlike them az a Rokaway klam and a lobster are different from each other.

He iz amphibikuss, and kan liv on the land a good deal longer than he kan liv under the water.

He feeds upon roots, herbs, and soft klams, and smells like the wake of a fashionable woman out on parade.

He bilds houses in the winter, about az big az flour barrels, all over the marshes, and enters them from the cellar.

Hiz phur iz worth just about 25 cents, and aint lively in market at that.

Yu kan ketch them in allmoste enny kind ov a trap that haz got a way tew git into it. They are not kunning, and aint diffikult tew suit.

When i waz a boy i trapped every winter for musk rats, and bought the fust pare ov skates i ever owned with their skins.

I hav seen them in winter setting up on end on the ice, cluss beside their holes, az stiff az an ezklamashun point, and when they see me they change ends and point down, like a semicolon, and that waz the last ov them.

The musk rat haz a flat tale, with no more phur on it than a file haz.

I dont dispize musk rat – oh, no! – but i dont worship him.

He haz but phew sins tew answer for; the chief one iz digging holes in the bank of the Erie kanal, and letting the water brake out. He will hav tew answer for this sumtime.

I luv all the animals, all the bugs, all the beasts, all the insex, all the katterpillars, bekauze they are so natral. They are az mutch, if not more, an evidence tew me ov the existance, the power, and the luv, ov an overruling Providence, as man iz.

I kan see az mutch fust klass natur in an angleworm, akording tew the square inch, az i kan see in an elephant.

I luv tew go phooling around amung the animiles ov all kinds in a warm day; i had rather set down bi the side ov an ant hill and see the whole swarm pitch onto a lazy kuss who won’t work, and run him out ov the diggins, than tew set six hours at the opera and applaud what i don’t understand, and weep at the spot whare the rest do, and pay 3 dollars for the privilege ov doing it.

THE MINK

The mink iz about fourth cuzzin tew the musk rat, and haz sum things in common with him; they both smell alike.

He iz one ov yure land and water citizens, and kan dive deeper, do it quicker, and kum out dryer than enny thing i kno ov.

His phur iz one ov the luxurys ov the present generashun and iz worth az mutch akording tew its size as one dollar bills are.

He haz no very strong pekuliarity ov karakter except hiz perfume, which iz about haff way in its smell between the beaver and the musk rat.

The mink haz 4 times the kunning that the musk rat haz, and iz bilt long and slim like a little girl’s stocking.

They are not handy tew ketch, but when ketched are skinned whole.

I hav trapt a good deal for mink and hav kaught them mity little, for they are almost az hard tew ketch in a trap and keep thare as a ray ov light iz.

Thare iz sum people who hav et mink, and sed it waz good, but i wouldn’t beleave sutch a man under oath, not bekauze he ment tew lie, but bekauze he didn’t kno what the truth waz.

I et a piece ov biled wilekat once, and that haz lasted me ever since, but i never waz parshall tew wild meat ennyhow.

I lived 25 years ov mi life whare game ov all kinds waz plenty. We had bear, oppossum, buffalo and rattlesnaik, and then nights we had draw poker and hi lo Jak, just tew waste the time a leetle.

THE DISTRIKT SKOOLMASTER