The Complete Works of Josh Billings

The devil iz the father ov lies, but he failed tew git out a pattent for hiz invenshun, and hiz bizzness iz now suffering from competishun.

Maxims tew be good should be az sharp az vinegar, az short az pi krust, and az trew az a pair ov steelyards.

A nickname will outlast all a man’s deeds, be they good, bad, or indifferent.

Phun iz the best phisick i kno ov; it iz both cheap and durable.

Conshience iz our private sekretary.

The three gratest luxurys ov life are, a klear conshience, a good appetight, and sound slumber.

Pashion iz like fire, a good servant, but a bad master.

The gay are alwus looking ahead, and the sad are always looking back; it iz a grate pitty they don’t change works with each other.

A pedant iz a very learned individual, who mistakes a pop-gun for a pistill.

Perseveranse will conker enny thing but muskeeters; the only way tew conker them iz tew bak out.

A bigot iz a kind ov human ram, with a good deal ov wool over hiz eyes, but no horns.

It dont require but a phew branes tew make up an atheist, for the less a man knows the less he generally beleaves.

The man who tries tew please everyboddy iz az fickle bi natur az a puppy.

Plezzure iz like mollassiss, tew mutch ov it spiles the taste for everything.

The most miserable people i kno ov are thoze who make plezzure a bizzness; it iz like sliding down a hill 25 miles long.

Thare iz no seed so sure tew produce a big yield az wild oats, and the krop iz repentance.

Politeness iz like ginger-pop, there ain’t mutch nourishment in it, but it haz a pleazant pop and a refreshing flavor.

Profane swaring in a man iz like continual crowing in a barn-yard rooster, a plan tew keep their courage or importanse.

CHICKEN FEED

Thare iz one kritter in this world whoze trubbles yu kant console, and she iz – a setting hen.

Thoze persons who spend all ov their spare time watching their simptoms, are the kind who enjoy poor health.

Whenever a minister haz preached a sermon that pleazes the whole congregashun, he probably haz preached one that the Lord wont endorse.

Evry boddy seems tew be willing to be a phool himself, but he kant bear tew hav ennyboddy else one.

Truth iz the edict ov God.

The philosophers, az a class, are a sett ov old grannys, who possess grate knowledge, part ov which haz bin handed down tew them, and the ballance they guess at.

About the fust and the last thing a human being duz in this world, iz tew shed tears.

Thare iz no grater proff ov the power of love than that the crimes committed in its interests are in a measure hallowed.

I kan tell exackly how mi nabors yung ones ought tew be fetched up, but i aint so clear about mi own.

A loafer iz a person who iz willing tew be abuzed for the privilege ov abusing others.

Thare iz sum folks in this world who spend their whole time hunting after rhighteousness and haint got enny spare time tew praktiss it.

Adversity haz the same effekt on a man that severe training duz on the pugilist – it reduces him tew his fighting waight.

Natur kan be improved upon often with good effekt, but to alter it generally spiles the whole thing.

Affliktions are like the summers sun – they wilt for the purpuss ov ripening.

If yu want to find out a man’s real disposishun, take him when he iz wet and hungry. If he iz aimable then, dry him and fill him up, and you hav got an angel.

The man who haz never bin tempted, dont kno how dishonest he iz.

Thare iz nothing like a sick bed for repentance. A man bekums so virtewous that he will often repent ov sins that he never haz committed.

Three skore year and ten iz the time allotted to man, and it iz enuff. If a man kant suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be knumb.

It dont take mutch tew prove a truth. It iz only a lie that requires grate argumentatiff ability.

Listen tew every mans opinyuns, disagree with none, but confide in yure own. This iz a kind ov flattery that wrongs no one.

What a man gains in cunning he alwus lozes in wisdum.

He who wont beleave ennything he kant understand, aint so wize az a mule – for they will kick at a thing they dont expekt tew reach.

All ov us are anxious tew liv tew be very old, but not one in ten thousand kan fill the karakter ov an old man.

Money iz like grain – it iz never so well invested az when it iz well sown.

A bigot iz a religious coward trying tew play the autokrat.

Money never made a man disgraceful yet, but men have often made money disgracefull.

How menny people thare iz who only go into society just for the purpose ov telling over their akes and pains, their gripes and grunts! Such people ought tew be sent at once to the pest house.

Health can be bought, but yu hav got tew pay for it with temperance, at the highest rates.

Give me warm friends and bitter enemys about haff and haff. He who haint got an enemy on arth, kant show a friend that will stick to him thru thik and thin.

Every time a man laffs harty, he takes a kink out ov the chain that binds him to life, and thus lengthens it.

Beauty iz the melody ov the features.