The Complete Works of Josh Billings

About the meanest critter thare iz now travelling around loose, on the breast ov the earth, iz a bashful hypokrite.

Solitude iz the idleness ov natur.

Thare iz az much flop in sum ov our pollyticians, az thare iz in a bukwheat slapjak, on a hot griddle.

Amuzements are one ov the wize things ov life, and we should try not to appear in them, more redikilus, than happy.

A home that iz filled with contenshun, iz the Devils levee.

Cheerful old girls, are the bridesmaids ov sosiety.

No man who only luves himself, kan ever taste ov peace.

A man who haint got enny pride, iz like a dog, who haint got enny strength to hiz tail.

Vanity iz the superstition ov pride.

Pure religion iz like good old hyson tea, it cheers, but don’t intoxikate.

I often meet in mi travels bigoted christians, who seem tew think, they are the guardian angels ov all the virtew in the world, such men would hav us think, they are bills ov exchange, on the kingdom ov heaven, when in reality, they are only bogus postal currency, which passes amung men, by general consent, provided it iz decently well executed.

I prefer an open, and brass-mounted villain tew a soft, tumid, panting hypokrit, who iz az unsafe az a sleeping snake.

“Beware ov the dog!” also ov the whispering man, and the loud-talking woman.

Piety, like beans, duz the best on a poor sile.

A good wife iz a sweet smile from heaven.

Angels handle the dice when doublets are thrown in the cradle.

If I waz going tew pick up some snake, i certainly should take holt of the further end ov him, this iz the way i handle all ov my subjekts, i find them less guarded thare.

A man don’t alwus grow wize az he grows old, but alwus grows old az he grows wize.

The biggest phool in this world haint bin born yet; thare iz plenty ov time yet.

A petted child iz like a bile that won’t cum tew a hed.

Publik honours, in this country, are quite often like the pcock’s tail, fust rate for a spread, but after they are shut up, the glory goes with the tail.

I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung carelessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor.

Cannon balls – are the bulbous plants ov Liberty.

Thare iz no grater fun for me than tew prick a bladder – windy folks will please make a note ov this.

Contentment iz mere instinkt, reazon teaches us that thare ain’t no sich thing, nor hadn’t ought tew be enny sich thing, in this world.

About az good a way tew learn people az enny tew respekt yu, iz tew run over them; if yu let them run over yu they certainly won’t.

I hope i shall never hav so mutch reputashun that i shan’t feel obliged to be alwus civil.

Thare seems tew be this difference between an old widdower and an old bachelor; the widdower livs upon faith, and the bachelor on hope, and this ackounts for the widdower alwus beating the bachelor in a ring fight, for the hand ov beauty.

Marrying tew suit other folks iz the prudery ov politeness; i should az soon think ov begging pardon ov a thorn, for running aginst it.

An Englishman correkts hiz mistakes before he makes them; a Yankee afterwards.

Fashions are made for sum folks, and sum folks are made for fashion.

Thoze people who hav a grate deal ov perfekt propriety, i notiss, don’t hav mutch ov enny thing else.

Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately.

I hav got a dredful poor opinyun ov all religious creeds; a man who depends upon a creed tew keep him pious, iz no better than he whom the penalty for stealing keeps out ov jail.

PARBOILS

It is a good sign when praize makes a man behave better. Proverbs, are like arrows, they fly not only fast but straight.

Our wants, after awl, make most ov our happiness, when we hav got awl we want, then cums fear lest we loze what we hav got, and thus possession, fails tew be happiness.

Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you stand stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but invigorating, if you pitch into them.

Cunning iz the dishonesty, and therefore the weakness ov wisdum.

Wise men are like a watch, they hav open countenances enuff, but dont show their works in their face.

Love is a natral pashion ov the heart, while friendship iz a necessary one, and awl hearts, however mutch they love, reserve a sly corner for what they call friendship.

About the best that kan be sed ov grate wealth iz, that it iz the means ov grace.

When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trieing tew walk a crack.

Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up into an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizziness.

It iz awl important that fashion should be perfumed with az mutch morality az possible, for it controls more people than law or piety duz.

7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days.

Thare iz az mutch difference in takt, az thare is in the strength ov gunpowder; sum kinds ov takt, lokate their bullets, not only right between the eyes, but deep in the meat, while other kinds hit everything but the center; and glance oph at that.

Genius iz like a hop vine, it will run, and spread enny how, and hav a whole lot ov haff wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be poled, and cut back, and suckered.

Precept, iz a buck saw, experience the elbow grease, that runs the cussed thing.

Thare iz this difference between talent, and genius, one iz a blood houn, that follows only by scent, the other a grey houn, that runs only by sight.