The Complete Works of Josh Billings

It requires more good judgment to kno when tew talk, than what tew say.

The reason whi comik lektring is so hard tew do, iz bekauze most people go tew hear it out ov kuriosity, and kuriosity iz the hardest kind ov a thing tew suit.

Good books, mi dear, are the best friends yu kan hav, they never will cloy, and never will betray you.

A complasent man makes every boddy pleased with him, and what iz more, pleazed with themselfs.

If we couldn’t neither laff nor kry, what miserable kritters we should be.

When a man gits so low down that he iz willing tew be despized, he has tuched bottom.

After all, great conversashional powers make a man more feared than beloved.

In grate crowds ov persons, like grate floks ov birds, thare iz mutch more noise and chattering than sense.

Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten minnits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes.

PHISH BAWLS

Sins are the only things that I repent ov, i never could make ennything repenting ov blunders.

I thank the Lord for this, we all ov us hav some good thing tew lay our bad luk to besides ourselfs.

Whisky friends are the most unprofitable ones i kno ov, they are alwus reddy tew drink with yu, but when yu are reddy tew drink with them, then they aint dry.

I look upon a pure joke with the same venerashun that i do upon the 10 commandments.

Yu kant hire a man tew be honest, he will want hiz wages raized every morning.

The most suckcessful men i hav ever known, are those who are konstantly making blunders, but never seem tew kno it.

I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into the river, they would insist upon floating up stream.

One ov the most reliable phrophets i kno ov iz an old hen, they dont phrophesy enny egg, untill after the egg haz happened.

Mi opinyun iz, and will kontinue tew be, that the phools hav done about az mutch hurt in this world az the malishus hav.

Temper should be curbed, not broken.

I dont kno ov enny thing in this world, that iz worth more, than money that iz honestly got, and virteuously spent.

The truly great are alwus the eazyest tew approach.

Fun, deviltry, and death, lurk in the wine-cup.

I wouldn’t undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn’t know miself which waz the right one.

I haven’t mutch doubt that man sprung from the monkey, but what bothers me, iz, whare the cussid monkey sprung from.

After a man haz got a good opinyun ov himself, the next best thing iz tew hav the good opinyun ov others.

Most enny boddy thinks they kan be a good phool, and they kan, but tew play the phool good iz not so handy.

It may be a leetle vexashus, but i don’t konsider it enny disgrace tew be bit bi a dog.

Abuse generally iz helthy, but sumtimes it cums from so low a source that it don’t do a man enny good.

It takes more time and tallents tew be a suckcessful hypokrit than it duz tew be a christian.

Thare are but phew things that we suffer more misery from than we do from cowardice.

The cluss intimacys ov old age seem tew konsist in kompareing gouts and rumatiss.

Mankind in general seem tew take about az mutch pride in bragging ov their faults az ov their virtews.

About the best that enny ov us kan do iz tew konceal our phailings.

Persons ov the koldest naturs when they do love, love the fiercest – so green wood when it gits tew burning makes the hottest fire.

Suckcess iz az hard tew define az falling oph from a log, a man kant alwuss tell exackly how he did it.

Thare iz one pashun (and it iz the meanest one) that no man who haz ever lived, haz been free from, and that iz envy.

Indolence iz one ov the strongest pashuns, becauze it iz one ov the most natral ones.

Integrity in youth iz allmost certain tew bekum wisdum, and honor in old age.

Thare iz no person worth being jealous ov who iz willing tew be the kause ov it.

Wise men hav but phew konfidants, and cunning ones, none.

Heaven iz ever kind tew us, she puts our humps on our backs, so that we kant see them.

The genuine christians are the laffing ones, the man who haz tew watch hiz morality all the time for fear it will kik up its heels iz phull ov the devil’s oats.

Hunting for a honest man iz just about as mutch like work az trieing tew trace out a kat’s pedigree.

Most ov the excentricitys we meet with amung men iz mere affektashun.

Pashunce iz a good thing for a man tew hav, provided he don’t hav too mutch ov it; thare iz a point at which pashunce begins tew be ignorance.

Take the mistery out ov things and they lose two-thirds of their attrackshun.

When a man iz thoroughly lazy, he iz good for nothing only tew shoot at.

Thare would be but mighty phew sekrets in this world if folks would tend tew their own bizness.

The man who wears out iz like a nimble sixpence – he iz alwus worth the face, and keeps bright to the last.