The Complete Works of Josh Billings

Put not oph till to-morrow what can be enjoyed to-day.

Marrid life iz too often like a game ov checkers – the grate struggle iz tew git into the king row.

Fear makes evry thing and evry body masters over us; it iz the wust slavery thare iz.

How common it iz tew see folks laff vividly without meaning enny thing; this i kall heat lightning.

I say, owe no man; owing iz but little better than stealing.

We are governed more by opinyun than we are bi conscience; this iz giving up a noble prerogative, and playing a very poor seckond fiddle.

The man who iz striktly honest, and nothing over, haint got enny thing more tew brag on than a pair ov steelyards haz. Sum ov the meanest cusses i ever knu had got tew be so honest, bi long praktiss, that they could guess at a pound.

If a man haint got grit enuff tu stand the temptashun ov a gin cocktail, how kan he fight a real diffikulty when he gits a chance?

Awl plezzures are lawful that don’t end in making us feel sorry.

The man who kan be proud in the presence ov kings, humble when he communes with himself, sassy tu poverty, and polite tu truth, iz one ov the boys.

Natur duz awl her big and little jobs without making enny furse; the earth goes around the sun, the moon changes, the eklipses, and the pollywog, silently and taillessly, bekums a frog, but man kant even deliver a small-sized 4th ov July orashun without knocking down a mountain or two, and tareing up three or four primeval forests by the bleeding rutes.

Dutys are privileges.

Liberty iz a just mixture ov freedom, restraint and protektion.

Advice iz like kastor-ile, eazy enuff to give, but dredful uneazy tew take.

A good conscience iz a foretaste ov heaven.

Thare iz few, if enny, more suggestive sights tew a philosopher, than tew lean agin the side ov the wall, and peruse a clean, phatt, and well disiplined baby, spread out on the floor, trieing tew smash a hammer awl tew pieces with a looking glass.

Evry man kan boast ov one admirer.

If yu would be successful in corekting the iniquitys ov the people, fire at their vices, not at the people; the trew way to abuze a drunkard iz to brake hiz jug.

Life iz a punktuated paragraff, disseazes are the commas, sickness the semicolons, and death the full stop.

No man iz ritch who wants enny more than what he haz got.

Don’t giv outward appearances awl the credit, the spirit ov a handsum boot iz the little fut that iz in it.

I don’t beleaf in bad luck being sot for a man, like a trap, but i hav known lots ov folks, who if thare waz enny fust rate bad luck lieing around loose, would be sure tew git one foot in it enny how.

The man who wrote, “I would not liv always, I ask not tew sta,” probably never had been urged sufficiently.

Thare iz a kind ov acktive lazyness, it works on its viktims just az the wicked flea duz on the feelings ov an old house dogg, he hopps up quick, but drops down agin sudden, in the same spot.

The man who controls hiz pashuns sits at the helm ov hiz ship.

It iz very diffikult tew kalkulate upon suckcess, unless a man sets up for a phool – in this department, i hav known hundreds to succeed, contrary tew their expektashuns.

I don’t want enny better evidence that a man iz a phool than tew see him cultivate excentricitys.

The man who kan conceal hiz real karakter when he iz drunk, or in a pashion, haz got a giant karakter.

I have found out that happiness konsists in working bizzy 12 hours, sleeping 8 hours, and playing checkures 4 hours, out ov every 24.

Mankind loves misterys – a hole in the ground, excites more wonder than a star in the heavans.

“Experience iz a good schoolmaster,” but reason iz a better one.

A Pedant iz a lernt phool – pedantry iz a little knowledge on parade – pedantry iz hypocrasy, without enny malice in it.

All the good men in this world hav got the same kind ov religion, it iz only the ded-beats frauds, and hypokrits, whoze religion differs.

Pride iz a looking-glass, into which men look, and seeing themselfs, they strut, and stick up their noze at other folks.

How on arth kan we trust man kind, or woman kind, when thare aint one out ov ten ov them, dare trust themselfs.

Thare iz 2 kinds ov Faith, faith ov the brains, this iz nothing more than shrewdness – and faith ov the heart, this iz humility, haff sister to virtew.

Yu will notis one thing, all good talkers are good listeners.

Adversity iz a goddess with frozen smiles.

If I had the privilege ov making the Eleventh Commandment, it would be this —owe no man.

Young ones and dogs? – thoze who are the least able to support them, generally hav the most ov them.

Sum folks, az they gro older, gro wizer; but most folks simply gro stubbornner.

People travel to learn; most ov them (before they start) should learn to travel.

I don’t beleave in fighting; i am solemly aginst it; but if a man gits teu fighting, i am also solemly aginst hiz gitting licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz in it iz tew lick the other party.

Slander iz like the tin kittle tied to a dorg’s tale – a very good kind ov kittle so long az it ain’t our dorg’s tale.

LIGHTNING BUGS

Plezzures make folks acquainted with each other, but it takes trials, and grief, tew make them know each other.

It iz a curious fakt, that the meanest pashuns ov our heart are the strongest when we hav grown old, and the best ones, the weakest.

Truth dont require the aid ov elegant, and high stepping words, tew express its force, or buty, it iz like water, tastes better out ov a woodden bucket, than it duz out ov a golden goblet.

Them folks who are sudden, aint apt tew be solid; lively streams are alwus shallo.

Az we gro older, what we gain in experience, we looze in zest, thare iz a real relish in occasionly being phooled.