The Complete Works of Josh Billings

How menny people thare iz whoze souls lay in them, like the pith in a goose quill.

ODS AND ENS

Natur never makes enny blunders. When she makes a phool she means it.

I hav finally cum tew the konklusion that the majority ov mankind kan be edukated on the back better than in the brain, for good clothes will often make a phool respectable, while edukashun only serves tew show his weak pints.

I never knu a man yet whoze name waz George Washington Lafayette Goodrich, Esq., and who alwus sighned hiz name for the full amount, but what waz a bigger man on paper than he waz by natur.

As a gineral thing an individual who iz neat in hiz person iz neat in hiz morals.

Man iz mi brother, and I konsider that i am nearer related tew him thru hiz vices than i am thru hiz virtews.

Thare iz nothing about which the world makes so few blunders, and the individual so menny, as a man’s acktual importanse among hiz fellow critters.

A man with a very small head iz like a pin without enny, very apt tew git into things beyond hiz depth.

The pashuns ov an old man are often like hiz teeth, they cease to trouble him, simply bekauze the nerve is ded.

The only pedigree worth transmitting iz virtew, and this iz the very thing that kant be transmitted. Affecktashun haz made more phools than the Lord haz.

About the nearest tew absolute insolvency that a man kan git in this world, and think he iz dieing rich, iz to leave nothing but a pedigree tew hiz family.

I don’t pretend tew hav enny less vile pashuns than my nabors, but i do despize the person, most heartily, who caters tew thoze i hav got.

The man who kant find enny thing to do in this world, iz az bad oph az a yearling heffer.

Thare iz no pashun ov the human heart that promises so much and pays so little az revenge.

Thare haint no man yet lived long enuff in this world tew doubt the infalibility ov hiz judgement.

Thare iz this odds between a humorous lekter and a scientiffick one, yu hav got to understand the humorous lektur tew enjoy it, but you kan enjoy the scientiffick one without understanding it.

It iz but a step from zeal tew bigotry, but it iz a step that iz most generally taken.

Don’t lay enny certain plans for the fewter, it iz like planting tuds, and expekting tew raze tudstools.

No man yet who had strength ov mind enuff ever resorted tew cunning. Cunning iz haff brother tew fear, and they are both ov them weakness.

Natur once in a while makes a phool, but az a general thing phools, like garments, are made tew order.

A man who iz good company for himself is alwus good company for others.

Genuine praize consists in naming a man’s faultz to hiz face, and hiz good qualitys tew hiz back.

One ov the best temporary cures for pride and affektashun that i hav ever seen tried iz sea sickness; a man who wants tew vomit never puts on airs.

A fault concealed iz but little better than one indulged in.

Witty speeches are like throwing stones at a target, the more time spent in taking aim, the less danger thare iz in hitting the mark.

I have alwus noticed one thing, when a person bekums disgusted with this world, and konkludes to withdraw from it, the world very kindly lets the person went.

Woman haz no friendships. She either loves, despises, or hates.

A day in the life ov an old man iz like one ov the last days in the fall ov the year, every hour brings a change in the weather.

I love tew see an old person joyfull, but not kickuptheheels-full.

A coquette in love iz just about az tame az a bottle ov ginger pop that haz stood sum time with the cork pulled out.

Human happiness iz like the Hottentott language, enny boddy kan talk it well enuff, but thare ain’t but phew can understand it.

Gravity iz no more evidence of wisdom than a paper colar iz ov a shirt.

Whatever Providence haz given us the fakulty tew do, he haz given us the power tew do.

Thare iz a grate menny folks in this world who are like little flies; grate bores without meaning or knowing it.

Great iniquitys seem tew baptize themselfs. If the devil had only been guilty of petty larcency he wouldn’t hav bin heard ov agin.

The hardest thing that enny man kan do iz tew fall down on the ice when it iz wet, and get up and praze the Lord.

All the good injuns die young.

How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, chained tew a post; they beller and paw, but they kant git away from the post.

I hav herd a grate deal ced about “broken hartes,” and thare may be a fu ov them, but mi experiense is that nex tew the gizzard, the harte is the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter.

I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable sett ov bowels, iz wurth more tu a man, than enny quantity ov brains.

A man with one idee alwus put me in mind ov an old goose a tryin to hatch out a paving stun.

Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov geniuses az thare iz juise in a lemmon: one good squeeze takes it out, and thare iz nothing but seeds and skin left.

As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in playing a poor hand well.

If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov temptashun, tew bring up a boy, i should say – bring him up the back way.

I hav known folks whose calibre was very small, but whose bore was very big.

If a man begins life bi being fust Lutenant in his familee, he never need to look for promoshun.

A pet lam, alwus makes a kross ram.

I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and femail.

FUST IMPRESHUNS