The Complete Works of Josh Billings

Thare iz no more real satisfackshun, in laying up in yure buzzum an injury than thare iz in stuffing a dead hornet, who haz stung you, and keeping him tew look at.

Old friends, are like old cheeze, the strongest.

Lies are like illegitimate children, they are liable tew call a man “Father,” when he least expekts it.

All money that iz well spent, iz a good investment.

If we would all ov us take kare ov our own souls, and let our nabors alone, thare would be less time lost, and more souls saved.

Before i would preach the gospel az some ministers are obliged to, for 450 dollars a year, i would git a living az Nebudkenezzer did, and let the congregashun go tew grass to.

Contentment is the vittles, and drink ov the soul.

Did yu ever hear a son bragging about hiz father, whoze father could with justiss, brag about hiz son?

The safest kind ov faith i kno ov, iz humility.

The man who never makes enny mistakes, like the angle worm, never gits far away from hiz hole.

A brilliant blunder in a writer, iz often one ov hiz best hits.

Tyranny iz often changed, but never destroyed.

Sucking a whipt sillybub, thru a rhy straw, iz a good deal like trieing tew liv on buty.

I never knu a profound phool yet, who did not affekt gravity, nor a truly wize man, whoze face was not alwus cocked and primed, for a laugh.

Prudery iz nothing more than coquetry, gone to seed.

New York citty is a fasst place, yu kant even pass a phuneral procession, unless yu have got the fassest hoss.

Truth, haz hardly clothing enuff, tew hide its nakedness.

A pompous man, iz like a full blown bladder, it iz pure malice tew prick him.

The money, and morality ov this world, are a good deal alike, the principle never loses sight ov the interest.

Pitty costs nothing, – and aint worth nothing.

What men kant do, they are apt to admire, – they dont criticise a mountain, bekauze they kant make one.

Poverty is one ov them kind ov misfortunes, that we all ov us dread, but none ov us pitty.

Thare iz lots ov people in this world who covet misfortunes, jist for the luxury ov grunting.

It iz comparitively eazy tew repent ov the sins that we hav committed, but tew repent ov thoze which we intend to commit, is asking tew mutch ov enny man, now days.

I thank God for one thing, and that iz, when every buddy else iz happy, i am sure to be.

Most men go thru life, az rivers go tew the sea, bi following the lay ov the ground.

In youth we run into difficultys, in old age, diffikultys runs into us.

“Times ain’t az they used tew be” – this haz bin the sollum, and wize remark ov mankind, ever since Adam waz a boy.

Secrets are cussid poor property at best, if yu cirkulate them, yu loze them, and if yu keep them, yu loze the interest on the investment.

Persecuted for the Devil’s sake, iz what sinners git for their allegiance.

Sum people won’t beleave enny thing they kant prove; the things i can’t prove, are the very things i beleave the most.

Pride never shows itself more disgustingly than in the pomp ov a phuneral.

Happiness iz not idleness, but its spirit iz az free from labor, as the life ov a yearling heifer.

Good examples amung the rulers, are the best laws they kan enakt.

The devil iz probably the best judge ov human natur that ever lived, and he must hav beleaved in the doktrine ov total depravity, or he wouldn’t hav undertook tew tempt the Saviour.

A “gentleman about town,” iz one who pays cash for everything except hiz debts.

Money iz like charity, it kivvers a multitude ov sins.

A pedant iz one who fills himself in a cellar with the klam broth ov literature, and then picks hiz teeth in the society ov the learned.

Thare iz but little, if any, cerimony, between two wize men, but between a wize man and a phool, cerimony iz the only thing that will make a phool feel respektable.

When yu find a man who iz very solisitus about the wellfair ov everyboddy, yu kan safely put him down az one who iz hunting for a misfortune.

TADPOLES

One ov the hardest men in the world tew collekt a debt ov iz the one who iz alwus willing tew pay, but never reddy.

Trew liberty konsists in making good laws, and then obeying them.

I suppoze we never shall kno in this life how big a phool a man kan be, bekauze he iz not allowed tew hav all his wants and vanities gratified.

When i diskover that all hatred, avarice, ambishun, vanity, and envy, have left this world, then i am going tew hunt for a Christian.

Yung man, larn tew listen! – i don’t mean at a key-hole. Thare iz plenty ov happiness in this life if we only knu it: and one way tew find it iz, when we hav got the old rumatiz tew thank Heaven that it aint the old gout.

Men are blamed for sticking their noze into things; but it iz the only way a dog tracks out hiz game.

The man who kan live in idleness successfully, must either be too pure or too lazy to commit enny sin. Poetri iz a disseaze common tew all the literati: sum hav it quite hard, but most hav it dredful lite.

Inkredulity iz the wisdum ov a phool; it iz only a wize man who kan afford tew be credulous.

Prejudice iz a hous plant which is very apt tew wither if yu take it out doors amungst pholks.