The Complete Works of Josh Billings

The devil holds poor kards, but he plays them mighty well.

What iz the next wust thing tew lieing? Gitting ketched at it.

I am so phully aware ov the uncertainty ov the law, that if a man whom i had never seen nor heard ov should su me for a debt ov one hundred dollars, and i couldn’t kompound with him for fifty, i would pay the whole rather than defend the suit.

I hav noticed this diffrence between people – thare is some who are not az big phools as they look.

Most authors in writing neglekt their punktuashuns, espeshily the full stop.

I hav seen pholks so melankolly and so gloomy that they wouldn’t admit thare waz a brite side tew ennything in this world, not even tew a nu haff dollar.

If wit forms the blade, good sense should be the handle and benevolence the skabbard ov the sword.

Experience iz knowledge, and it will stik bi a phellow like the money he gits by hard knoxs.

I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and apparently braneless hed – but i hain’t seen all the bigots, yu know.

Silence iz like darkness, a good place tew hide.

Thare iz no revenge so komplete az forgivness.

He that desires tew be ritch only to be charitable, iz not only a wize man, but a good one.

Grate welth, in our journey thru life, iz only extra baggage, and wants a heap ov watching.

The malice ov the world ain’t haff so dangerous az its flatterys.

If i feel that i am right, all the kurs in the country may snap at mi heels.

Trieing tew satisfy our desires with wealth iz like trieing tew stop up a rat hole with sand – the rats will soon dig out sum whare else.

A piece ov satire, tew be beneficial, should be so rendered that every man who reads, or hears it, shall say to himself, “That iz just, bekauze it hits every boddy but me.”

Skandle iz az ketching az the small pox, and perhaps thare iz but one real preventative, and that iz – tew be vacksinated with deaf and dumbness.

Really wize men pay but little attenshun to misterys, but one good mistery will furnish a dozen phools with vittles and drink for a year, and fat the whole ov them besides.

We are all ov us too apt tew judge ov a sin by its size. We will pass a 10 cent counterfit shin plaster, when we would shudder at a 10 dollar bill.

Mi friend haz got hiz phailings, and that iz one thing that makes me like him so mutch.

Affeckshun iz a vine full ov tendrils, and if yu don’t phurnish it sumthing better tew climb, it will phurnish itself sumthing wuss; this ackounts for its running after sore eyed lap dogs and sick monkeys.

Poverty iz the step mother ov genius.

Beware ov the man who makes a still noize when he walks, and who purrs when he talks; he iz a kat in disguise.

It iz now 30 years ago since a phellow with green goggles on and a white neck tie, offered tew sell me sumthing for 50 cents, whitch he sed waz worth 5 dollars. I’ve forgot what it waz, but i remember it waz a beat, and az often az once a year ever since, I have tried the same thing over, and got beat every time.

When shame leaves a man, the kandle goes out, and hiz soul gropes its way in the dark, a slave tew mean, and brutal pashuns.

Civilizashun haz made justiss one ov the luxurys, for which we have tew pay the highest price.

Lies are like a bad penny, sure tew return to their owner.

“Time iz money,” – menny people take this saying in its literal sense, and undertake tew pay their debts with it.

Competishun iz a good thing, even amung brutes – two dogs on a farm make both dogs more watchful.

Originality in writing haz alwus been praized, but i hav red sum authors who were too original tew be interesting.

Altho the learned and witty often cater to the ritch, thare never waz one yet, however poor, who would swap estates with them.

If a man iz very bizzy he kant be very sorrowful, nor very viscious.

If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz the one who haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz munny – a mere pimp tew hiz welth.

One ov the saddest sights ov all to me, iz an old man, poor and deserted, whom i once knew living in ease and luxury.

I don’t think the world haz ever seen a sparkling, brilliant wit yet, who waz not troubled at times with the —hiccups.

Silence iz one ov the hardest kind ov arguments tew refute.

The fust thing in this life tew be desired, in the phisikal line, iz a happy set ov bowells, after that, virtew, and branes, are in order.

Justiss now daze aint worth what it kosts.

I’ve seen men so fun-proof that yu kouldn’t fire a joke into them with a dubble-barreled gun.

Thare are people who are so mutch matter-of-fakt in everything, that when they eat pork and beans, they want the pork one day and the beans the next.

If i waz called upon tew tell who waz the bravest man that ever lived, i would say it waz him who never told a lie.

The meanest thing that enny man ever followed for a bizzness, iz making money.

Everyboddy luvs tew feel that they are ov sum importanse in this world, even a pauper looks forward tew the day ov his phunerul az the time that he haz got tew be notissed.

PEPPER PODS

If yu hav got a spirited and noble boy, appeal tew hiz generosity, if yu hav got a heavy and sullen one appeal tew hiz back.

A grate menny ov our people go abroad tew improve their minds, who hadn’t got enny minds when they war at home; knowledge, like charity, shud begin at home, and then spred.

Affickshuns are the compliments that Heaven pays tew the virtewous.

Noboddy but a phool will spend hiz time trieing tew convince a phool.

Time iz like money, the less we hav ov it teu spare the further we make it go.