The Complete Works of Josh Billings

The tounge iz really a verry fasst member ov the boddy politick, he duz all the talking, and two-thirds ov the thinking.

Men who invade the province uv wimmin are alwus jeered at, and how kan wimmin, when they invade the province ov men expekt tew eskape the same kind ov treatment.

He who spends hiz younger days in disapashun iz mortgaging himself tew disseaze and poverty, two inexorable creditors, who are certain tew foreclose at last, and take possession ov the premises.

Thare iz menny a person who kan set a mouse-trap tew perfeckshun, but not satisfied with sich small game, undertake tew trap for bears, and git ketched bi the bears. Moral: studdy yure genius, and stick tew mice.

Young man don’t marry abuv or below yure rank, not that i think thare iz evry virtew in rank, but thare iz custom in it, and custom often outranks law and gospel.

Let him go, mi son, sed an ancient father tew hiz boy, who had caught a yung rabbit, and when he gits bigger ketch him agin. The boy did az he waz told, and haz been looking for that rabbit ever since.

The world owes all its energys and refinement tew luxurys – digging roots for brekfast and going naked for clothes, iz the virtewous innocence ov a lazy savage.

Thare iz lots ov folks who eat well, and drink well, and sleep well, and yet are sick all the time – theze are the folks who alwus enjoy poor health.

If a man hits yu, and you hit him back, yu are even, but if yu don’t strike back he iz yure debtor, and alwus owes yu a crack.

A person with a little smattering ov learning, iz a good deal like a hen’s egg that haz been sot on for a short time, and then deserted by the hen, it iz spilte for hatching out ennything.

“People ov good sense” are thoze whoze opinyuns agree with ours.

Thare iz a grate deal ov magnificent poverty in our big citys, people who eat klam soup out ov a tin basin with a gold spoon.

The place whare poverty, virtew, and love meet and worship together, iz the most sakred spot in this universe.

Experience don’t make a man so bold az it duz so careful.

Pride never forgets itself, never haz a play spell or frolik; it iz stiff from morning till night, from top tew bottom, like a sled stake.

Thare ain’t but very little ginowine good sense in this world enny how, and what little thare iz ain’t in market, it iz held for a dividend.

Thoze who hav made up their minds tew lead a life ov enjoyment will find the following recipee a grate help tew them: “To one ounce ov plezzure add a pound ov repentance.”

Adversity iz a poultess which reduces our vanity and strengthens our virtew – even a boy never feels half so good az when he haz just bin spanked and sot away tew cool.

Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man’s knose whom yu meet.

Lieing iz like trieing tew hide in a fog, if yu move about yure are in danger ov bumping yure hed agin the truth, and az soon az the fog blows oph yu are gone enny how.

Marrying an angel iz the poetry ov marriage, but living with her iz the proze; and this iz all well enuff if the taste ov the poetry hain’t spilte our relish for the proze.

The man who livs on hope must pick the bones ov dissapointment.

The Devil iz sed tew be the father ov lies, if this iz so, he haz got a large family, and a grate menny promising children amung them.

Life iz like a mug ov beer, froth at the top, ail in the middle, and settlings at the bottom.

We should liv in this life az tho we war walking on glaze ice, liable tew fall at enny moment, and tew be laffed at bi the bystanders.

Men, if they ain’t too lazy, liv sumtimes till they are 80, and destroy the time a good deal az follows: the fust 30 years they spend throwing stones at a mark, the seckond 30 they spend in examining the mark tew see whare the stuns hit, and the remainder iz divided, in cussing the stun-throwing bizzness, and nussing the rumatizz.

This setting down and folding our arms, and waiting for sumthing tew turn up, iz just about az rich a spekulashun az going out into a four hundred acre lot, setting down on a sharp stone, with a pail between our knees, and waiting for a cow tew back up and be milked.

HOOKS & EYES

Thare are people who dont do ennything but watch their simptoms. I hav seen dogs ackt just az sensible, i hav seen a rat tarrier watch the simptoms ov a knot hole, in a board fence, all day, for sum rat tew cum out, but no rat didn’t cum out.

The man who cant do any hurt in this world cant do any good.

The grate art ov keeping friends iz tew keep them in expectancy.

After we hav got all a mans sekrets out ov him then we either dispise him or pitty him, and to be pittyed iz no better than to be dispised.

Thare are people so addikted tew exagerashun, that they kant tell the truth without lieing.

Thare is no better evidence ov true friendship than tew speak ov a mans vices tew hiz face, and ov his virtews behind hiz back.

I am rather favourably impressed with Gin and Milk, az an extrakt, and think a minister ov the gospel mite contend with sum ov it, on the sli, successfully, but when he cums to reckomend it tew hiz people, i hav mi doubts about it, unless he knows hiz people better than i do.

A man may possibly git the remembrance ov his natiff country out ov hiz mind, but he never kan out ov hiz heart.

I don’t suppoze thare haz ever lived in this world, a man who haz improved the whole ov hiz opportunity and abilitys.

Wimmin quite often possess superior tallents, but their genius lays in their pashuns.

Love haz a most vorashus appetight, but a poor digestion, what it feeds on most alwus distresses it. Prudes, are coquets, gone to seed. It iz our duty tew pray for them who revile and persekute us, but i dont kno az we are obliged tew let them kno it.

Just exackly az a man grows pure, he grows humble.

The less we know the more we suspect. A grate mind haz no room for suspicion.

Extreams meet, the very wisest are often seen to do the most phoolish things.

It iz hard tew quit play while we are winning. It iz just so in morals, men seldum undertake tew git religion az long az they kan git enny thing else.

The man who never told a lie iz a well-bred man i don’t kare if he sprung from a dunghill.

Thare iz no better evidence ov wisdum than tew beleave what we kant understand.

Trew courage iz as gentle az a pet lamb.

When we are young we change our opinyuns too often. When we are old, too seldum.

Thare aint no people in this world who makes so menny blunders az thoze who don’t beleave “that enny good thing ever came out ov Nazareth.”

We lay all of our bad luk tew sum boddy else, but our successes we giv ourself kredit for.

Hurry and dispatch are often confounded, but they are az unlike az the habits ov the pissmire and the ant.