The Complete Works of Josh Billings

I think thare iz az menny old phools in the world, az thare iz yung ones, and thare iz this difference between them, the yung ones may outgrow their pholly, but the old ones never do.

The ambishun of 9 men out of 10, if it should receive no check, would end in their destrukshun.

A genuine aphorism, iz truth done up in a small package.

A vishus old man iz a terrible sight dispised on earth and hated in heaven.

The avarishus man iz like the grave, he takes all that he kan lay hiz hands on, and gives nothing back.

Bashfulness iz either the effek ov ignorance or modesty – if it iz ignorance, edukashun changes it into impertinence – if it iz modesty, it will kling tew a man a long az he haz got one single virtew left.

Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her az yu hav.

Hope iz the germ, Faith the blossom, and Charity the fruit.

Thare iz this difference between a weak friend and a bitter enemy – the one puts us oph our guard, and the other puts us on.

Whenever yu kan find a man to whom yu kan tell all yure sekrets, and still retain hiz respekt, yu have found a friend indeed.

When a man abuzes me i will pay no more attenshon tew him than i will to a country cur who barks at me; this will make both the dog and the man ashamed ov themselfs.

Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable.

Thare ain’t mutch phun in phisick, but thare iz a good deal ov phisick in phun.

Men will forgit injurys eazier than kontempt; they had rather be hated than not noticed.

I hav bin watching human intercourse a little lately, and i find it is largely made up ov grunts, groans and growls, varied with huffs, hoots, and howls.

I like a good hater, but i want him able tew giv good reazons for it.

About the emptyest thing i kno ov iz a pocket-book, with nothing in it – it iz rather wuss than a knot-hole.

The man who pitys everyboddy, wants watching, for the chances are that he iz gitting phatt slily on other peoples misfortunes.

It seems tew me that good breeding iz the art ov making everyboddy satisfied with themselfs, and pleased with you.

The man whom forgivness wont humble iz a brute.

SLIPS OF THE PEN

The wizest thing about a man iz hiz conscience – edukashun don’t improve it.

If yu want tew find out the ruling pashun ov a hoss, feed him high on oats – it iz jiss so with mankind.

Az a gineral rule, the best way iz tew decide yureself what bizness in life it iz best for yure yung one tew foller, and then stick him at it while he iz limber – men alwus pole vines before they begin tew run mutch.

The only way for me to git out ov a tight spot iz tew git into it fust. Sum folks kan tell exackly how a thing feels by not tuching it, but I kant.

The more babes in a family, the eazier and better they are raized – one chicken alwus makes an old hen more clucking and scratching than a duzen duz.

It takes an uncommon smart man, now-daze, tew make money by telling the truth – it iz aktually an evidense ov genius.

It iz a very small spot in the lightning bug’s tail that shines; it iz the darkness ov the nite that makes it so brilliant – it iz jist so with virtew.

Nussing revenge iz like missing a yung hedgehog – the older he grows, the sharper hiz quills.

The good man iz like an old-fashioned Nu England clock – hiz soul iz the pendulem whose regular moshuns giv life and grace tew hiz hands and face, thus showing the good works that are inside ov him.

Most ov the epitaffs on the tombstuns read like gideboards tew the grate citty, and without them a great menny would take the wrong road.

Most people travel to see and be seen; but few to compare.

Fools are telling us (confidensally) “that time is short,” but the diffikulty lies not in the shortness ov time so mutch az it duz in the length ov the fools.

Children are kut down like the yung wheat, to ripen; old people are gathered like the golden grain, to be ground and bolted.

The only way tew truli enjoy ennything iz tew be willing tew quit it when the bell rings.

Time iz like a fair wind – if we don’t set our sails, we looze that breeze forever.

We are often ridikuled for telling old truths. The 10 commandments are old enuff tew be wore out with truth; but who follers them?

Take man, from Adam down to April fool 1868, and i would respekfully ask, if he ain’t a ded beat? Iz thare a single pashun ov hiz natur, up to date, that yu kan take the halter ov civil law off from, and turn it out to grass?

Waking up in the morning, to a virtuous man, iz the same thing az being born agin.

“Necessity iz the mother ov invenshun,” and Pattent Wright iz the father.

It dun me good to hear a poor brute whinner in Broadway yesterday. I waz glad that thare waz one stage hoss in New York citty whoze heart wasn’t dead broke.

Death iz the only thing in this life that iz certain; and even that ain’t always a safe investment.

Rumor iz a vagrant without a home, and lives upon what it kan pick up.

The gratest viktory for mankind that hav ever bin won, hav bin won by the rod and the katechism.

The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sumtime lay down in this world together for a fu minnits, but when the lion kums tew git up, the lamb will be missing.

Chastity iz like glassware – too much frost in it makes it more brittle.

Virtew, backed up by courage, iz the perfekshun ov human natur. I don’t reckon mercy nor pity always amung the virtews; they are often only amable weaknesses. Justis iz the square root ov awl the virtews. I wouldn’t hav enny mercy nor pitty hove out for rubbish; neither would i hav a man think, bekauze he melts at the anguish ov the viscious, that it iz virtew that ails him.

Bachelors are alwus a braggin ov their freedom!! – freedom to darn their own stockings, and poultiss their own shins! I had rather be a widdower once in 2 years, reglar, than tew be a grunting, old, hair-dyed bachelor only for 90 days.

The lazyest man that i kan think ov now, waz Israel Dunbar, ov Billingsville. He dried up a new milch cow in milkin her 3 times, and planted an aker of beans, last spring, awl in one hill. He iz 45 years old, and hain’t had the meazles yet; he haz alwus bin too lazy tew ketch them. He had one son, who was jist like him. This boy died when he waz 18 years old, in crossing a korn-field; the punkin-vines took after him and smothered him to death.

GLASS DIMONDS