The Complete Works of Josh Billings

Fools are the whet-stones ov society.

Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend.

Curiosity iz the instinct ov wisdum.

Thoze who becum disgusted, and withdraw from the world, musn’t forgit one thing, that the world will forgit them, a long time before they will forgit the world.

Put man down (for me) az a vain and selfish critter, all hiz talk and ackshuns to the contrary, notwithstanding, nevertheless, to wit, verily, amen.

Wize men laff every good chance they kan git. Laffing is only a weakness in phools.

I giv the world credit for a grate deal more honesty than it can show.

Whenever i find a real handsum woman engaged in the “wimmins’ rights bizzness,” then i am going to take mi hat under mi arm and jine the procession.

Gratitude iz a debt, and like all other debts is paid bekauze we are obliged to, not bekauze we love to.

Praize that ain’t deserved iz no better than slander.

There iz three kinds of phools in this world, the natural ones, the common, every day phool, and the daghm phool.

MOLLASSIS KANDY

Thare iz a grate deal ov humin natur in a stik of mollassis kandy, I judge this, bekauze mi little grandson iz alwus reddy tew invest hiz only penny in it.

I don’t kno az i want tew bet enny money, and giv odds, on the man, who iz alwus anxious tew pray out loud, every chance he kan git.

Praze and abuse, are both good in their place, but if I kan’t hav but one, give me the abuse.

Nine men, out ov every 10, that yu meet in New York City, are in a grate hurry, and are either mad, petulant, or sassy, and the reazon iz they are all ov them in pursuit ov munny, and only one out ov 10 gits it.

Next tew the man who iz wuth a millyun, in point ov wealth, iz the man, who don’t kare a kuss for it.

A reputashun for happiness needs az mutch watching az a reputashun for honesty.

When yu strike ile, stop boring, menny a man has bored klean thru, and let all the ile run out at the bottom.

I hav spent a large porshun ov mi life in hopeing, and praying that every boddy mite be suckcessful, and happy, and i intend tew spend a grate deal more time in the same bizzness, but i am satisfied that the philosophy ov the whole thing iz kontained in this passage, “the devil take the hindmost.”

Success don’t konsist in never making blunders, but in never making the same one the seckond time.

He who trusts tew luck for his happiness, will be lucky when he gits it.

While we are poor, the necessarys ov life are the luxurys, after we git ritch, the luxurys are the necessarys.

Thare is no such thing az gitting tew the top ov the ladder in this world, if we reach the utmost round, then we mourn bekauze the ladder aint longer.

Death iz an arrow, shot into a crowd, the only reazon whi it hit another, iz bekauze it missed us.

When a man duz a good turn, just for the phun ov the thing, he haz got a grate deal more virtew in him, than he iz aware ov.

The man who haz got a mote in hiz eye, kan alwus see a big beam in hiz brothers.

Az a genral thing, we envy in others, not what we aint got, but what we hav got less than others.

The only thing about a man that sin haz not, and kan not pervert, iz hiz conshience.

Dissatisfackshun with everything we cum akrost iz the result ov being dissatisfied with ourselfs.

Just edzakly in proporshun that a man undertakes tew make a reputashun bi hiz personal appearance, just in that proporshun, he iz a dead beat.

Early genius iz like early cabbage, don’t head well.

It iz a grate deal more eazier tew drop down 10 feet on a ladder, than it iz tew highst up 5; i found this out more than 7 years ago.

Menny a man haz lost a good posishun in this world, bi letting go, tew spit on hiz hands.

Go up hill as fast az you pleaze, but go down hill slo.

About all that iz left for an old man in this world, iz an obituary notiss.

Sedate yung men make imbecile old ones.

I think yung coxcombs, end their lives, az old slovens.

The man who iz alwus bragging ov hiz wife in publik, duz it more out of pride of himself, than love for her.

If a man haz got 80 thousand dollars at interest, and owns the house he livs in, it aint mutch trouble to be a philosopher.

The most that experience seems tew do for us, iz tew sho us, what kussid phools every boddy but we, hav made ov themselfs.

Whiskey, and onions combined, are good for a bad breth.

The hardest man in this world tew cheat, iz the man who iz alwus honest with himself.

I look upon molassis az one ov our greatest blessings, it haz dun so mutch tew sweeten life.

Life ain’t long enuff for enny man tew kno himself.

Virtew don’t konsist in the absence ov the pashuns, but in the control ov them; – a man without enny pashuns iz simply az virtewous az a graven image.

One ov the best temporary reliefs for vanity, that i kno ov, iz a sharp tutch ov the billyus kolick.

Sharpers are like hornets, intimate on a short acquaintance.

Don’t forget one thing yung man, thare iz a thousand people in this world who kan hurt yu, to one that kan help yu.

Thare iz no accomplishment so eazy tew acquire az politeness, and none more profitable.