The Complete Works of Josh Billings

The tree-tud livs upon flies and sitch like vittles, but if they dont git enny thing tew eat, they dont strike for higher wages.

A tree-tud will liv all summer on a south wind, with an ockashional drop ov dew to wet hiz song.

They kan outdiet any bug or jumping thing i kno ov.

THE PORKUPINE

The porkupine iz a kind ov thorny woodchuck.

They are bigger than a rat, and smaller than a calf.

They liv in the ground, and are az prikly all over az a chesnutt burr, or a case ov the hives.

It iz sed that they hav the power ov throwing their prickers like a javelin, but this iz a smart falshood.

An old dog wont tutch a porkupine enny quicker than he would a phire brand, but yung dogs pitch into them like urchins into a sugar hogshed.

The konsequentz ov this iz they git their mouths philled with prickers, which are bearded, and kant bak out.

A porkupine’s quill when it enters goes klean thru and cums out on the other side ov things. This iz a way they hav got.

The porkupine iz not bad vittles, their meat tastes like pork and beans with the beans left out.

They hav a cute way ov stealing apples known only to a phew.

I hav seen them run under an apple tree, and rolling over on the fruit which had fallen from the tree, carry oph on their prickers a dozen ov them.

I hav often told this story to people, but never got enny tew beleave it yet.

Porkupines hav got a destiny tew phill, it may be only a hole in the ground, but they kan phill that az phull az it will hold.

DEVIL’S DARNING NEEDLE

This floating animal iz a fly about twenty times az big az a hornet, with a pair ov wings on him az mutch out ov proporshun tew hiz boddy az a pair ov oars are to a shell boat.

They hang around mill ponds in hot weather, and when i waz a boy if one ov them cum and sot on the further end ov the log whare i waz a setting i alwus aroze and gave him the whole of the log.

They hav a boddy like a piece ov wire, sharp at the end, and look az tho they mite sting a phello cheerfully, but i beleave there iz no more sting in them than thare iz in kold water.

All children are afrade ov them, and i kno ov one man now who had rather enkounter a wild kat (provided the kat waz up in the top ov a tree and likely to stay thare) than tew intersect a devil’s darning needle.

They derive their name from the shape ov their boddys and their devilish appearance generally. (See Webster’s unabridged on this subjekt.)

RAMRODS

The higher up we git, the more we are watched – the rooster on the top ov the church-steeple, is ov more importance, altho’ he is tin, than two roosters in a barn-yard.

If men are honest they will tell yu that their suckcess in life iz more ov a wonder tew them, than it iz to you.

Take all the pride out ov this world, and mankind would be like a bob-tailed pekok, anxious to hide under sumbody’s barn.

I think the heft ov people take az mutch comfort in bragging ov their misfortunes, az they do ov their good luk.

Call a man a thief, and yu license him tew steal.

A sekret ceases tew be a sekret if it iz once confided – it iz like a dollar bill, once broken, it iz never a dollar agin.

All fights, tew produce enny moral advantage, should end in viktory tew one side, or the other. Yu will alwus see dorgs renew a drawn battle, every time they meet.

Thare iz a grate difference between holding a hi offiss, or having a hi offis hold us.

If a man iz full ov himself, don’t tap him, but rather plugg him up, and let him choke tew deth or bust.

Laws are not made out ov justiss, they are made out ov necessity.

The man who kant find enny virtew in the human heart haz probably given us a faithful sinopsiss ov his own.

I don’t think that Fortune haz got enny favourites, she was born blind, and i notis them who win the oftenest, go it blind, too.

It iz a safer thing enny time, to follow a man’s advice, than hiz example.

The heart is wife ov the head, and we, (who hav tried it), all kno how purswasiv the wife iz – espeshily when she wants sumthing.

I konsider a weak man more dangerous than a malishus one, malishus men hav sum karacter, but weak ones don’t have enny.

I hav notissed one thing, that the most virtewous and diskreet folks we hav amungst us, are thoze who hav either no pashuns all, or verry tame ones – it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent.

The man who takes a dollar iz a thief, but if he steals a millyun he iz a genius.

Virtew haz no pride in it, nor sin enny humility.

Owls are grave, not on account ov their wisdom, but on account ov their gravity.

He who duz a good thing sekretly, steals a march on heaven.

Hunting after health, iz like hunting after fleas, the more yu hunt them, the more the flea.

Take the sellfishness out ov this world, and thare would be more happeness than we should kno what to do with.

When a man gits so reduced that he kant help ennyboddy else, then we vote him a pension for the rest ov his days, by calling him a “poor devil.”

Thare seems to be affektashun in every thing, even sin has its impostors.

It is a fakt (known to us doktors) that yu kan ketch the little pox ov a man before it brakes out on him eazier than yu kan after it haz broke out. Tis thus with wickedness; the openly so are less dangerous than thoze who hav it under the skin.

When we are more anxus tew pleaze than tew be pleazed, then we are in love in good arnest.

If a man iz happy, he kan afford to be poor and neglekted.