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The Complete Works of Josh Billings
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THE GAME CHICKEN
Lo, and behold the game rooster!
He weighs about 3 pounds and a quarter, more or less, and iz reddy tew fite for a kingdom. He stands up on hiz feet like a piece ov ginger-root, with each feacher fastened in its place.
Hiz eye gleams in its socket like a soltaire on the queen’s finger.
Hiz head iz like the snaiks head, and his beak shines like the point ov a dagger.
When he steps, he steps like a bunch ov kat gurt, and hiz crow iz like the yung injuns fust whoop on the warpath. Hiz plumage gives back the sun shine like the ruby and amethist, and hiz legs are all golden.
Hiz gaffs are ov burnt steel, and hiz tail and wing feathers are clipped for the battle.
Bring on the other rooster.
THE DUK
The Duk iz a kind ov short legged hen.
When cooked they are very good means ov nourishment, in fakt, it will do to call roste duk and apple sass eazy tew contend with.
The duk haz a big foot for the size ov their boddy, but their foot iz not the right kind ov a foot for digging in the garden.
Their foot iz like a small spider’s web, only more substanshul bilt.
They are amphipicuss, and kan sale on the water az natral and eazy az a grease spot.
They kan div in the water az handy az a hull frog, and never git water soaked.
Water won’t stay quiet on a duk’s back no longer than quicksilver will whare it iz down hill.
Duks hav a broad bill which enables them tew eat their food without enny spoon.
They are more proffitable tew keep than a hen, bekauze they kan eat so mutch faster.
Duks are addikted tew a wild state ov natur, but civilizashun haz did sumthing handsum for duks, and made them the companyuns ov man and old wimmin.
Next tew her grand children, an old woman thinks most ov her duks.
The duk iz a good hand tew raze feathers, which groze all over their person simultanously without enny order.
Thare aint any room on the outside ov a duk for enny more feathers.
They shed their feathers by having them pulled out, and these feathers make a good, tuff bed.
A duk’s feather bed iz a good place tew raze nite mares on.
Men often call their wifes their “dear duks,” this is on ackount ov their big bills.
The duk don’t kro like a rooster, but quaks like a duk.
They do a good deal ov quacking that don’t amount tew mutch.
Sumtimes doktors are called quacks, but i never hav bin told whi.
The duk iz not the most profitable bird extant for vittles; for, when yu hav got oph all the feathers, and pull out their stummuk, thare aint enny more left on them, than thare iz on the outside ov an eg shel.
They are fust rate feeders, and alwus hav a leetle more appetight left.
Their leggs are lokated on their boddy like a pair ov hind leggs, and i hav seen them eat till they tipt over forwards.
Duks ought to hav a pair ov before leggs, and then they couldn’t eat themselfs oph from their feet.
Duks la eggs, but don’t la them around loose.
Hunting duks’ eggs iz a mitey cluss transackshun.
A man couldn’t earn 30 cents a day and board himself, hunting duks’ eggs.
The wild duk iz a game bird, and are shot on the wing.
They kan fli next faster tew a wild pigeon, and if yu aim right at them on the wing, yure shot will hit whare the wild duk just waz.
I hav seen akres ov them git up oph from the water at once; they made az mutch noize az the breaking up ov a kamp meeting.
I hav often fired into them with a dubble-barrelled gun, when they waz rizing, with both mi eyes shut, and never injured enny duk, az i kno ov.
I always waz fust rate at missing wild duks on the move.
Sumtimes a duk gits lame, and, when they do, they lay rite down and giv it up.
Thare ain’t no 2 legged thing on the face ov this earth kan outlimp a lame duk.
Yu often hear the term “lame duk” applied tew sum men, and perhaps never knu what it ment.
Studdy natur, and yu will find out whare all the truth cums from.
THE SANDY HILL CRANE
The crane iz neither flesh, beast, nor fowl, but a sad mixtur ov all theze things.
He mopes along the brinks ov kreeks and wet places, looking for sumthing he haz lost.
He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz long all over.
He iz born ov one egg and goes thru life az lonesum az a lasts year’s bird’s nest.
He livs upon lizzards and frogs, and picks up things with hiz bill az he would with a pair ov tongs.
Другие электронные книги автора Josh Billings
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Классная книга. Очень многое объясняет, что скрытое реально происходит в человеке