The Complete Works of Josh Billings

The milk snaix hangs around pasture lots, and iz said tew fasten onto the udders ov the cows, and git hiz milk puntch in this underhand way.

I don’t beleave this, but in writing the biography ov snaix no man iz obliged tew tell the whole truth about them enny how.

Fish and snaix are two things that authors are apt tew consider the fackts ov when they write onto them.

I never knu a man yet, not even of fust rate judgment, if he should ketch a fish that weighed 4 pounds but would guess he weighed 6, and if he should kill a snaix that was 5 feet, and three inches long, would want tew sware he waz 14 foot long, without taking the krooks out ov him.

This iz human natur, and human natur is heavy on a marvel.

The Bible sez, “marvel not,” and altho i look upon all things in the Bible with the utmost venerashun, I hav wondered if Joner’s ketching the whale just az he did, wasn’t some kind ov authority for the fish storys ov the present daze.

If a man in theze times should ketch a whale az Joner did, he would write an ackount ov it, and travel around the kuntry and lektur onto it, and when he deskribed the size ov that whale, if a man wan’t smart in figgures, he would git a poor idea of the animile’s dimenshuns.

I never have saw a milk snaix yet, and if i phool mi life away, and don’t never see one, I don’t intend tew mourn inkonsolably about it.

I hav alreddy seen all the snaix I want to, and wouldn’t go a haff a mile from here to see all the snaix on the buzzum ov the earth unless thare waz a bonfire ov them.

Snaix ov all kinds hav got but one destiny tew fill, and Divine Providence haz fixt that; it is tew git their heds squeezed by a suitable sized pebble.

THE RACCOON, AND THE PETTYFOGGER

The Raccoon iz a resident of the United States ov America; he emigrated tew this country, soon after its diskovery by Columbus, without a cent, and nothing but hiz claws tew git a living with.

He iz one ov them kind ov persons whoze hide iz worth more than all the rest ov him.

He resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates the cornfields and nabring garden sass for sustenance, and understands hiz bizzness.

Hiz family consists ov a wife and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree.

He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew receive calls, but his nights are devoted tew looking after hiz own affairs.

He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail, which iz round, haz rings on it.

Theze rings are ov the same material that the tail iz, and are worn upon all occasions.

During the winter he ties himself up into a hard not and lays down by hiz fireside.

When spring opens, he opens, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered.

Hiz life iz as free from labor az a new penny, and if it wasn’t for the dogs and the rest ov mankind, the rackcoon would find what everyboddy else haz lost – a heaven upon earth.

But the dogs tree him and the men skin him, and what there iz left ov him ain’t worth a cuss.

He iz not a natral vagabond like the hedgehog and the alligator, but luvs to be civilized and liv amung folks; but he haz one vice that the smartest missionary on earth kan’t redeem, and that iz the art ov stealing.

He iz seckond only tew the crow in pettit larceny, and will steal what he kant eat, nor hide.

He will tip over a barrell ov apple sass just for the fun ov mauling the sass with his feet, and will pull out the plug out ov the mollassis, not be kause he luvs sugar enny better than he duz yung duck, but jist tew see if the mollassis haz got a good daub tew it.

I hav studdied animal deviltry for 18 years, bekause the more deviltry in an animal, the more human he iz.

I can’t find, by sarching the passenger list, that Noah had a coon on board, but i am willing tew bet 10 pound ov mutton sassage, that mister coon, and hiz wife were commuted, by stealing a ride.

I never knu a rackcoon tew want ennything long, that he could steal quick.

Ennyboddy who haz ever looked a coon, right square in the face, will bet yu a dollar, that he iz a dead beat, or under five hundred dollar bonds, not tew go into the bizzness, for the next ninety days.

I hav had tame coons by the dozzen, they are az eazy tew tame az a child, if yu take them young enuff, but i kan’t advise ennybody to cultivate coons, they want az mutch looking after, az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more profit in them, than thar iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie Rail Road.

I never waz out ov a pet animal since I kan remember, till now, but i hav gone out ov the trade forever; lately, i diskovered, that it waz a good deal like making a whissell out ov a kats tale, ruining a comfortable tale, and reaping a kursid mean whissel.

Rackcoons liv tew be 65 years old, if they miss the sosiety ov men, and dogs enuff, but thare aint but few ov them die ov old age; the north western fur company, are the grate undertakers of the coon family.

I feel sorry for coons; for with a trifle more brains, they would make respectable pettifoggers before a justiss ov the peace; but even this would not save them from final perdishun.

Natur don’t make any mistakes, after all; she hits the bull right in the eye every time: when she wants a rackcoon with rings on hiz tale, she makes him; and when she wants a pettyfogger, she knows how tew make him, without spileing a good coon.

Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav a destiny to fill, and they may enable a justiss ov the peace, in a cloudy day, tew know a good deal less ov the law than he otherwize would; still, for all this, if I war obliged tew pray for one or the other, I think now I should say, Giv us a leetle more coon, and a good deal less pettyfogger.

If the Raccoon would only giv his whole attenshun tew politicks, thar ain’t but few could beat him; he is at home on the stump, and menny on us, old coons, kan reckolekt how, in 1840, with nothing but a hard cider diet, he swept the country, from the north to the south pole, like a cargo ov epsom salts.

THE FEATHERED ONES

DUK

The duk is a foul. Thare aint no doubt about this – naturalists say so, and kommon sense teaches it.

They are bilt sumthing like a hen, and are an up-and-down, flat-footed job. They don’t kackle like the hen, nor kro like the rooster, nor holler like the peakok, nor scream like the goose, nor turk like the turkey; but they quack like a root dokter, and their bill resembles a vetenary surgeon’s.

They have a woven fut, and kan float on the water az natral az a sope bubble.

They are pretty mutch all feathers, and when the feathers are all removed, and their innards out, thare iz just about az mutch meat on them az thare iz on a krook-necked squash that haz gone tew seed.

Wild duks are very good shooting, and are very good to miss also, unless yu understand the bizness.

You should aim about three foot ahead ov them, and let them fly up tew the shot.

I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a tail-feather now and then; but this satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kind ov sport, yu know.

Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard tew kill, even if yu do hit them. I shot, one whole afternoon, three years ago, at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I hav never told ov this before, and hope no one will repeat it – this iz strikly confidenshall.

TURKEY

Roast turkey iz good, but turkey with kranberry sass iz better.

The turkey iz a sedate person, and seldum forgits herself by gitting onto a frolik.

They are ov various colors, and lay from 12 to 18 eggs, and they generally lay them whare noboddy iz looking for them but themselfs.