The Complete Works of Josh Billings

The louse iz a familiar animal, very sedentary in hiz habits, not apt tew git lost. They kan be cultivated without the aid ov a guide book, and with half a chance will multiply and thicken az much az pimples on the goose.

Thare iz no ground so fruitful for the full development ov this little domestick collateral, az a districkt school hous, and while the yung idea iz breaking its shell, and playing hide and go seek on the inside ov the dear urchins skull, the louse iz playing tag on the outside, and quite often gets on to the school mom.

I hav alwus had a hi venerashun for the louse, not bekause i consider them az enny evidence of genius, or even neatness, but becauze they remind me ov my boyhood innocence, the days away back in the alpahabet ov memory, when i sot on the flatt side ov a slab bench, and spelt out old Webster with one hand, and stirred the top ov my head with the other.

Philosophikally handled, the louse are gregarious, and were a complete suckcess at one time in Egypt, bible historians don’t hesitate tew say, that they were aul the rage at that time, the whole crust ov the earth simmered and biled with them, like a pot ov steaming flax seed, they were a drug in the market.

But this waz more louse than waz necessary, or pleasant, and waz a punishment for sum sin, and ain’t spoke ov, az a matter tew brag on.

The louse are all well enuff in their place, and for the sake ov variety, perhaps a few ov them are just az good az more would be.

They were desighned for sum wize purpose, and for that very reason, are respektabel.

When, (in the lapse of time,) it cums tew be revealed to us, that a single louse, chewing away on the summit ov Daniel Webster’s head, when he waz a little schoolboy, waz the telegraphick tutch tew the wire that bust the fust idee in hiz brain, we shall see wisdom in the louse, and shant stick up our noze, untill we turn a back summersett, at these venerable soldjers, in the grand army ov progression.

After we hav reached years ov discretion, and have got our edukashun, and our karakters have got done developing, and we begin tew hold offiss, and are elekted justiss ov the peace, for instance, and don’t seem tew need enny more louse tew stir us up, it iz time enuff then tew be sassy to them.

Az for me, thare iz only one piece (thus far) ov vital creation, that i aktually hate, and that iz a bed-bugg. I simply dispize snaiks, fear musketoze, avoid fleas, don’t associate with the cockroach, go around toads, back out square for a hornet.

Nevertheless, moreover, to wit, i must say, even at this day of refinement, and bell letters, i do aktually luv to stand on tip-toe, and see a romping, red-cheeked, blew-eyed boy, chased up stairs and then down stair, and then out in the garden, and finally caught and throwed, and held firmly between hiz mother’s kneeze, and see an old, warped, fine-toothed horn comb go and come, half buried through a flood ov lawless hair, and drag each trip to the light, a fat and lively louse – and, in conclusion, to hear him pop as mother pins him with her thum nail fast tew the center ov the comb, fills me chuck up to the brim with something, i don’t know what the feeling iz; perhaps sumboddy out ov a job can tell me.

KATS

A kat iz sed to hav 9 lives, but i beleaf they dont hav but one square deth.

It iz allmost unpossible to tell when a kat iz ded without the aid ov a koroners jury.

I hav only one way miself to judge ov a ded kat.

If a kat iz killed in the fall ov the year, and thrown over the stun wall into yure nabors lot, and lays thare all winter under a sno bank, and dont thaw out in the spring, and keeps quiet during the summer months, and aint missing when winter sets in agin, I have alwus sed, that, ‘that kat,’ waz ded, or waz playing the thing dredful fine.

Speaking ov kats, mi opinyun iz, and will continue to be, that the old-fashioned kaliko-coulered kats iz the best breed for a man ov moderate means, who haint got but little munny to put into kats.

They propugate the most intensely, and lay around the stove more regular than the Maltese, or the brindle kind.

The yeller kat iz a fair kat, but they ain’t reliable; they are apt tew stay out late nights, and once in a while git on a bad bust.

Blak kats hav a way ov gitting on the top ov the wood-house when other folks hav gone tew bed, and singing dewets till their voices spile, and their tails swell till it seems az tho they must split.

THE HUM BUGG

The most vain and impudent bug known to naturalists (or enny other private individual) iz the hum bugg.

They have no very partickular parents nor birth place, are born a good deal az tud stools are, wherever they kan find a good soft spot.

It haz been sed by commontaters that Satan himself iz the father ov hum buggs – if this iz a fakt he haz got more children than he kan watch, and sum very fast yung ones amungst them.

The hum buggs don’t generally live a grate while at once, but have the fackulty ov dieing in one place, and being suddenly born in another.

They are ov awl genders, including the maskuline, feminine and nutral, and kan liv and grow phatt whare an honest bugg would starve to death begging.

The hum bugg will eat enny thing that they kan bite, and rather than loose a good meal will swaller a thing whole.

Every one sez they dispize the hum bugg and yet every boddy iz anxious tew make their acquaintance.

They hav the ontra to all cirkles ov sosiety without knocking from the highest tew the lowest, and tho often kicked out, are welcumed again and flattered more than ever.

The hum bugg haz more friends than he knows what to do with, but he manages tew giv general satisfakshun by cheating the whole of them.

The Bible sez “the grasshopper iz a burden” – and i believe it – but i think the hum bugg iz the heavyest bug ov the two.

But the world kant well spare the hum bugg; take them all out ov the world, and it would bother even an honest man tew git a living, for thare doesn’t seem, jist now, to be honesty enuff on hand to do our immense dry good bizzness with.

Honesty iz undoubtedly the best policy for a long run, but for a short race, hum bugg haz made sum excellent time.

I hav been bit bad bi this bugg miself several times, but not twice in the same spot – i follow the Skriptures when i am whare the hum bugg is plenty, if one bites me on one cheek, i turn him the other cheek also, but i don’t let him bite the other cheek also.

Thare ain’t enny boddy, i suppose, who acktually pines tew be bit by this selebrated bugg, they only luv tew see how near they can cum tew it without missing.

Human natur iz chuck full ov curiosity, curiosity iz jist what hum bugg makes menny a warm meal oph ov.

Sum ov theze bugg are not so sharp bitten and pizen az others, but this iz not so mutch owing tew their disposishun az it iz tew their natur; they all ov them bite the full length ov their teeth.

If thare iz enny boddy who hain’t never been bit bi a hum bugg yet, he must be sumboddy who has always staid at home with his uncle, and, lived on bread and milk, or was born numb all the way through, and couldn’t feel any kind ov a bite.

If i should hear a man brag that one ov these bugs couldn’t bite him, I should set him down at once for a man who wan’t a good judge ov the truth. The bite of a hum bugg iz wuss than a hornet’s, and always different from a dog’s, for the dog growls, and then bites, but the hum bugg bites, and lets you do the growling.

THE BUGG BEAR

Natral History has its myths and its ghosts, az well az enny boddy else, and foremost among these iz – the bugg bear.

The bugg bear iz born from an imaginary egg, and iz hatched by an imaginary process.

They are like a shadow in the afternoon, always a good deal bigger than the thing that casts it.

They are compozed ov two entirely different animals, the bugg and the bear, but generally turn out to be pretty much all bug.

They are like the assetts on a bankrupt broker, the more you examine them, the smaller they grow.

I have known them tew cum out ov a hole like a mice, and grow in tew minnits az big az an elephant, and then run back agin into the same hole they cum out ov.

They are like a young wild pigeon in their habits, the biggest when they are first born.

They are common to all countrys and all peoples, the philosophers hav seen them az often az the children hav, and ben as badly skared by them.

They are az innocent az a rag doll, but are az full ov deviltry az a jack lantern.

Bugg bears are az plenty in this world az pins on the side walks, but noboddy ever sees them but those folks who are alwus hunting for them.