The Complete Works of Josh Billings

Turkeys travel about nine miles a day, during pleasant weather, in search ov their daily bred, and are smart on a grasshopper, and red hot on a kriket.

Wet weather iz bad on a turkey – a good smart shower will drown a yung one, and make an old one look and akt az tho they had just been pulled out ov a swill barrel with a pair of tongs.

The maskuline turkey or gobler, as they are familiary called, hav seazons ov strutting which are immense.

I hav seen them blow themselfs up with sentiments of pride or anger, and travel around a red flannel petticoat hung onto a clothes line just az tho they waz mad at the petticoat for sumthing it had, did, or sed tew them.

The hen turkey alwus haz a lonesum look tew me az tho she had been abuzed bi sumboddy.

Turkeys kan endure az mutch kold weather az the vane on a church steeple, i hav known them tew roost all night on the top limb ov an oak tree, with the thermometer 20 degrees belo zero, and in the morning fly down and wade through the sno in a barn-yard to cool oph.

P. S. – If you kant hav kranberry with roast turkey, apple sass will do.

THE HOSSTRITCH

The hosstritch iz a citizen ov the dessart, and lay an egg about the size ov a man’s hed the next day after he haz been on a bumming excursion.

They resemble in size, and figger about 15 shanghi roosters at once, and are chiefly important for the feathers which inhabit their tails.

The hosstritch are hunted on hossbak, and they kan trot a mile kluss to 3 minnitts.

They lay their eggs in the sand, and i think the heat ov the sand hatches them out.

They ain’t bilt right for hatchin out eggs, enny more than a large-sized figger 4 iz.

I don’t kno whether their eggs are good tew eat or not, but i guess not for i never have seen ham and hosstritch eggs advertised on enny ov our fashionable bills ov fare.

Biled hosstritch may be nourishing and may be not; I think this would depend a good deal upon who waz called upon tew eat it.

I shan’t never enquire for biled hosstritch az long az i remain in mi right mind.

If the hosstritch iz a blessing tew the dessert country I hope they will stay thare, for so long as we hav the turkey buzzard, and the Sandy Hill Crane, I feel az tho we could git along, and endure life.

I am writing this essa on the hosstritch a good deal by guess, for i hav never seen them in their natiff land, nor never mean to, for jist so long az i kan git 3 meals a day, and liv whare grass groze, and water runs, i don’t mean tew hanker for hot sand.

THE PARROT

The parrot iz a bird ov menny colours, and inklined tew talk.

They take holt ov things with their foot, and hang on like a pair ov pinchers.

They are the only bird i kno ov who kan konverse in the inglish language, but like meny other nu beginners, they kan learn tew swear the eazyest.

They are kept az pets, and like all other pets, are useless.

In a wild state ov nature, they may be ov sum use, but they looze about 90 per cent ov their value by civilizashun.

They resemble the border injun in this respekt.

When yu cum tew take 90 per cent oph from most enny thing, except the striped snaik, it seems tew injure the proffits.

I owned a parrot once, for about a year, and then gave him away, i haven’t seen the man I giv him to since, but i presume he looks upon me az a mean kuss.

If i owned all the parrotts thare iz in the United States, I would banish them immejiately tew their native land, with the provizo that they should stay thare.

I don’t make theze remarks tew injure the feelings ov thoze who hav sot their pheelings on parrotts, or pets ov enny kind, for i kant help but think that a person who gives up their time and tallents tew pets, even a sore eyed lap dorg, displays grate nobility ov karakter. (This last remark wants tew be took different from what it reads.)

THE BOBALINK

The bobalink iz a blak bird with white spots on him.

They make their appearanse in the northern states about the 10th ov June, and commence bobalinking at once.

They inhabit the open land, and luv a meadow that iz a leetle damp.

The female bird don’t sing, for the male makes noize enuff for the whole family.

They have but one song, but they understand that perfektly well.

When they sing their mouths git az phull ov musik az a man’s duz ov bones who eats fried herring for brekfast.

Bobolinks are kept in cages, and three or four ov them in one room make just about as mutch noize az an infant class repeating the multiplikashun table all at once.

THE EAGLE

Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in eagles; they kan look at the sun without winking; they kan split the clouds with their flashing speed; they kan pierce the blu etherial away up ever so fur; they kan plunge into midnight’s blak space like a falling star; they kan set on a giddy krag four thousand miles hi, and looking down onto a green pasture kan tell whether a lamb iz phatt enough tew steal or not.

Jupiter, the Peterfunk, god ov the anshunts, had a grate taste for eagles, if we kan beleave what the poeks sing.

I hav seen the bald-headed eagle and shot them in all their native majesty, and look upon them with the same kind ov venerashun that i do upon all sheep stealers.

NATRAL HISTORY

It is not the moste deliteful task, tew write the natral history ov the Louse, thare iz enny quantity of thorobred folks, who would konsidder it a kontaminashun, az black az pattent leather, to say louse, or even think louse, but a louse is a fackt, and aul fackts are never more at home, nor more unwilling to move, than when they git into the head. The louse is one ov the gems ov antiquity. They are worn in the hair, and are more ornamental than useful.

Not having enny encyclopedia from which tew sponge mi informashun, and then pass it oph for mi own creashun, i shall be forced, while talking about the louse, “tew fight it out on the line” ov observashun, and when mi knowledge, and experience gives out, i shall tap mi imaginashun, ov which i hav a crude supply.

Book edukashun iz a phatting thing, it makes a man stick out with other folks opinyuns, and iz a good thing tu make the vulgar rool up the white ov their eyes, and wonder how enny man could ever kno so mutch wisdum.

Schooling, when I waz a colt, didn’t lie around so loose az it duz now, and learning waz picked up oftner by running yure head aginst a stun wall, than by enny other kind ov mineralogy.

I have studied botany all day, in a flat meadow, pulling cowslops for greens, and then classified them, by picking them over and gitting them reddy for the pot.

All the astronomy i ever got i larnt in spearing suckers bi moonlite, and mi geoligy culminated at the further end of a woodchucks hole, espeshily if i got the woodchuck.

Az for moral philosophy and rhetorick, if it iz the science ov hooking green apples and water-mellons 30 years ago, and being auful sorry for it now, i am up head in that class.

But all this iz remote from the louse.