The Complete Works of Josh Billings

He probably would hav objekted to having enny little bizzy aunts at all, and various other objekshuns would hav bin offered, equally green.

I am glad that man waz the last thing made.

If man hadn’t hav bin made at all, you would never hav heard me find enny fault about it.

I haven’t much faith in man, not bekauze he kant do well but bekauze he wont.

Ants hav bye laws, and a constitushun, and they mean sumthing.

Their laws aint like our laws, made with a hole in them, so that a man kan steal a hoss and ride thru them on a walk.

They don’t hav enny whisky ring, that iz virtewous, simply, bekauze it hooks bi the millyun, and then legalizes its own ackts.

They don’t hav enny legislators that yu kan buy, nor enny judges, laying around on the haff shell, reddy tew be swallered.

I rather like the aunts, and think now I shall sell out mi money and real estate, and jine them.

I had rather jine them than the bulls or the bears, i like their morals better.

The bulls and the bears handle more money, it iz true, and make a grate deal more noize in Wall street, one ov them sticking his horn into a flabby piece ov Erie and tossing it up into the air, and the other ketching it when it cums down, and trampling it under hiz paws.

This may be phun for the bulls and the bears, but it iz wuss than the cholera morbust for poor Erie.

Ants never disturb Erie; yu couldn’t sell one eny Erie, enny more than you could sell one skrip on the cod-fish banks ov Nufoundland.

Ants are a honest, hard-tugging little people, but whether they marry, and giv in marriage, iz beyond my strength; but if they don’t they are no wuzz oph than they are out west (near the city of Chicago), where they marry to-day and apply for an injunkshun to-morrow; and are reddy the next day to fite it out agin on sum other line.

Wedlok out west (near the grate grain mart Chicago) iz one ov them kind ov locks that almost enny boddy kan pick.

SUM SNAIX

THE ADDER

The adder iz az spotted az a checker-board, and are very butiful tew admire at a propper distance oph.

They hav a koal blak eye, which revolves on its axis, and shines like a glass bead.

They kan be found in wet places, and are handy tew liv, both down in the water, and up on the top ov the land. They kan slip oph from an old bridge, or a log, into a mill pond, az natral, and az eazy, az a pint ov turpentine, and kno how tew swim, and wave, on the brest ov sum water like the shaddo ov the weeping willo.

They are harmless tew bight, but one adder, would spile all the bathing thare waz in a mill pond for me, when i waz a boy.

THE STRIPED SNAIK

The striped snaix is one ov the garden varietys. They inhabit door yards, and stun heaps down at the foot ov the garden, and piles ov old boards, and weedy spots, and grass generally.

They are the domestik snaik, if thare iz enny such thing, and are really az harmless az an old garter, but az full ov fraid tew almost every boddy, az a torpedo.

The fust snaix, we hav enny ackount ov much, waz the devil, surnamed bellyzebubb, who wiggled his way into the Garden of Eden, and without a single trump in hiz hand, beat our two original ansesstors, out ov joy inneffible, and glory halleluyer forever, and gave them in exchange for it sorrow without stint, and wo unutterabel. This was an unkommon poor trade for the human family. All snaiks are sneaks, and steal around on their slippry stummuks, az still, and greazy, az lamp ile.

Snaix kant stand the enkroachments ov civilizashun, the seed ov the woman iz alwus after them with a long pole, and a man, post haste for a doktor, will alwuss dismount, and hich hiz animile hoss, tew put an extra hed onto a snaix.

This kind ov treatment has alwus made snaiks raizing a dredful risky bizzness teu follow.

Out ov one thousand snaixs born annually, the staytisstix sho 930 ov them die in a grate hurry, espeshily whare churches and school houses flourish.

I don’t kno ov a more unhelthy spot in the world for a snaix teu settle down and undertaik teu bring up a family than near a distrikt school house.

Let enny body just holler “striped snaix” once, near a distrikt school house, and you will see the snaix begin teu paddle, and the young ones begin tew bile out like hornets out ov their nest, and proceed for that snaix like a flok of young turkeys for a Junebug.

Striped snaiks are about two feet and one haff in length, and about one inch in diameter, and “thareby hangs a tail.”

THE BLUE RACER

The blue racer is a Western snaik, about 6 feet in length, ov a pale blue color, and the smartest snaix, for suddenness, in the universe.

They kan run, on a unmown meaddo, as fast as ahoss, with their heds about 2 foot high, and their whole boddy bileing with muscles.

They are az harmless az a rabbit, and will run if you chase them, and then will turn and chase you, if you want them tew play “tag.”

They are froliksom cusses, but I never did hanker for sitch kind of refreshments.

They are the nicest kind ov a mark to shoot at.

Draw a fine sight on their heds when they hold up abov the turf, and let them hav one barrell ov number 6 shot, and the hed will be missing, and the ballance ov the snaix will be looking after the hed in a grate hurry, turning all sorts of back summersets and double and twisted bo knots, and hirogliphick kontortions for 20 minutes, before they make up their mind that it is safe tew die.

It is a dredful krewel sight tew see them ketch a frog, it iz alwus done on a run, and done quick, for the poor frog don’t stand enny more chance ov getting away than a chesnutt tree duz when lightning fires up, and goes for it.

They swallo the frog whole, and stik out with a frog in them like a yung purp who haz allowed a quart ov buttermilk tew find its way into him.

THE BLAK SNAIK

The blak snaix iz the only one i kno ov who kan klimb a tree without boosting, and take the yung birds out ov their nests oph from the topmost limb.

They are az handy in a tree top az a yung munkey, but are not pizon tew bight.

They hav a festive way ov choking things tew death by making a cravat ov themselfs around the thruts ov their victims.

I hav herd ov wicked children being killed in this way, but never knu a boy who tended Sunday skool regular, and who want sassy tew hiz grandfather, and who didn’t eat enny green apples, and hav the stummuk ake in consequents, to get choked bi a blak snaix.

Wicked little boys, who pla marbles on Sunday, and who say “Go up, old bald hed,” and who put kittens into tar barrels will make a note ov this.

The blak snaix iz about 5 feet in length, and sumtimes haz a white ring around hiz nek.

There iz very little poetry in snaix ov enny kind, untill they git their heds smashed, and here iz just whare the poetry comes in.

There ain’t much poetry in me, but if I waz called upon tew write an obituary notiss for the whole race ov snaix, who lay dead in one pile, i would take oph mi coat, rool up mi sleeves, and saliva mi hands, and rite sum verses that i wouldn’t be ashamed ov enny how, for i should expekt the solemnity ov the ockashun would help me out ov the skrape.

THE MILK SNAIK