The Complete Works of Josh Billings

He sleeps standing like a gide board, and sumtimes tips over in hiz dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a pik ax.

When he flies thru the the air, he iz az graceful az a windmill, broke loose from its fastenings.

Cranes are not very plenty in this world, but the supply, up tew this date, just about equals the demand.

The crane iz not a good bird for diet; the meat tastes like injun rubber stretched tight over a clothes hoss.

I never hav et enny crane, nor don’t mean to, untill all the biled owl in the country givs out.

I kant tell what the Sandy Hill crane waz made for, and it aint none ov mi bizzness – even a crane from Sandy Hill kan fill hiz destiny, and praize God loafing along the banks ov a kreek and spearing frogs for hiz dinner.

I hav spent mutch time among the birds, beasts, and fishes, and expekt tew spend more, and tho i couldn’t never tell exackly what cumfort a musketo waz tew the bulk ov mankind, or what kredit he waz tew himself, i am forced tew admit that enny thing so perfektly and delikately made iz, to say the least, a dredful smart job.

Cranes are very long-lived, and are az free from guile az a bread pill iz.

Cranes seldom git shot. Thare iz two reazons for this; one iz, they alwus keep gitting a leetle further oph; and the other iz, thare would be no more kredit for a hunter in bringing a ded crane home for game than thare would be a yeller dog.

MORE SNAIKS

THE RATTLESNAIX

The rattlesnaik iz ov a dull yaller color, from four to six feet in size, ackordin tew length, and all the way ov a bigness.

They hav a pizon tooth, and a dedly natur.

On the further end ov their boddy they hav sum loose bones, which they kan play a tune upon, which makes the noize from which they take their name from.

Thare iz only one remidy for the bite ov a rattlesnaik that I kno ov, and that iz whisky.

I have seen a man that had bin bit bi one, drink three quarts ov whisky, and be sober enuff all the time tew jine the sons ov tempranse.

I hope I never shall be bit bi a rattlesnaix, not so mutch on ackount ov the snaik az on ackount ov the whisky.

I think three quarts ov whiskey in mi person at onst would keep me drunk forevermore.

The grate mortal enemy ov the snaiks iz the hog.

I have seen a woods hog take after a rattlesnaix, and ketch him in running 50 yards, and with 3 rips and a snatch, tare mister rattlesnaix into ribbons, and then swallo him whole without saying grace.

The woods, or wild hog, iz the grate snakes eradikator. They will hunt for them like a setter dog for a woodkok, and if the snaix bight them, they hav a way ov laying down in a mud hole and soaking the pizon all out ov them.

THE HOOP SNAIK

This remarkable snaix haz a funny way ov taking their tail in their mouth and making a hoop ov themselfs. They kan travel a good gait.

Thare iz a tradishun that the end ov their tale iz ov bone, and iz filled with pizon, ov the most deadly dimenshuns, but I think this iz only a lie.

Az I sed before, it iz so natral tew lie about snaix that it iz a great wonder to me that they don’t leave this world entirely, and take up their abode sumwhare else, whare they kan hav a fair show.

I am about 7 eights ov a mind tew beleave that the hoop snaix iz one ov P. T. Barnum kind ov kritters, that yu pay yure money tew see in the menagarie, and then take yure chances.

The only way tew git at the truth about snaix iz to believe all yu hear, and more too.

THE ANAKONDY

The anakondy iz the grate original land snaix, 365 feet in length, 4 feet below the eyes, 19 feet in circumference, and kan swallow an ox whole, if yu will saw hiz horns off.

They kan wind themselfs around the tallest oaks in the forest, and tare it up bi the roots, and lay waist a whole village in their wrath.

The anakondy iz a resident ov the tropikal klimates. He would freeze up solid in Vermont the fust winter, and would be kut up into kord wood bi the natives.

Anakondy wood, i should think, if it waz green, would make a lazy fire.

THE GARTER SNAIX

The garter snaik derives hiz name from the habit he haz ov slipping up a gentlemen’s leg, and tieing himself into an artistik bo knot about hiz stocking, just belo the knee.

This iz more ornamental than pleasant, and haz been known tew result in the deth ov the snaix.

I kan imagine several things more pleasant than a live snaix festooned around one ov my legs; but then I am a nervous individual, and when enny thing begins tew krawl around on me promiskus, I am too apt tew inquire into suddenly.

I suppoze thare iz plenty ov stoicks would luv tew hav a snaix do this, and would pat him on the hed, and chuck him under the chin, and sich like.

I giv all snaix fair notiss that they kant garter me, and if I couldn’t git rid of them enny other way, I would dissever miself from the leg, and stump it the rest ov mi daze.

But the more i reflekt upon theze things, the more i think the garter snaix iz a mith – a kind of inexplicable thing, indiskribabel, full ov mistery, and iz a mere type or shaddo ov the old, time-honored garter itself.

Thare iz a grate deal ov dream-like mist and wonderment in the garter.

They liv in poetry and song, and are seldum seen.

THE EEL SNAIK

The eel snaix iz the only kind that iz valuable for food.

They will bight a hook az cheerfully az a snapping turtle, and hang on like a puppy tew an old kowhide boot.

They are much eazier tew git onto a hook than to git oph, for when yu draw them out ov the water they will tie themselfs and the fish line into more than 7 hundred dilemmas.

I had just az leafs take a bumbel bee oph from a dandylion az an eel off from a hook.

Fried eels are sed tew be good, but I alwus hav tew shut at least one eye when I eat them.

I don’t know az an eel iz the same az a snaix exactly, but they are near enuff to suit me.

THE SEE SARPENT SNAIX

The see sarpent snaik beats all the snaix that have ever put in an appearanse yet.