The Complete Works of Josh Billings

Thare iz nothing we brag ov more than our honesty, and we all ov us kno that our honesty iz az mutch the effekt ov interest az principle.

It don’t show good judgment to be surprized at ennything in this world, for thare is nothing more certain than uncertainty.

Every human physikal lump on the face ov this earth iz susceptible tew flattery; sum yu kan daub it on with a white-wash brush, while others must hav it sprinkled on them, like the dew from flowers.

Every man haz a perfekt right tew hiz opinyun, provided it agrees with ours.

Thare iz no sich thing az being proud before man and humble before God.

Our continual desire for praise ought tew satisfy us ov our mortality, if nothing else will.

Confession iz not the whole ov repentance, but it iz the butt end ov it.

If virtu did not so often manage tew make herself repulsive, vice would not be half so attraktive.

Cunning iz not an evidence ov wisdom, but iz prima facie evidence ov the want of it. If we were wize enuff tew ketch a fox bi argument, we shouldn’t hav to set a trap for him.

Prosperity makes us all honest.

Love iz a child ov the heart; and it iz lucky if the head iz the father ov it.

A coquette in love iz az silly az a mouse in a wire-trap; he don’t seem tew kno exackly how he got in, nor exackly how he iz going to get out.

Every man thinks hiz nabor happier than he iz, but if he swops places with him he will want tew trade back next morning.

Everyboddy’s friend should be noboddy’s confidant.

Love iz like the meazles; we kant have it bad but onst, and the latter in life we hav it the tuffer it goes with us.

Thare is nothing so easy to larn az experience, and nothing so hard to apply.

Thare ain’t but phew men who kan stick a white hankerchef into the brest pocket ov their overcoat without letting a little ov it stick out – just bi acksident.

LOBSTIR SALLAD

A slander iz like a hornet, if yu kant kill it dead the fust blo, yu better not strike at it.

Politeness iz a shrewd way folks haz ov flattering themselfs.

I make this distinkshun between charakter and reputashun– reputashun iz what the world thinks ov us, charakter iz what the world knows ov us.

What a ridikilus farce it iz to be continually on the hunt for peace and quiet.

No man ever yet increased hiz reputashun bi contradikting lies.

Anxiety alwus steps on itself.

Silence, like darkness, iz generally safe.

Thare iz only two things that i kno ov that a man wont brag ov, one iz lieing, and tuther iz jealousy.

It takes branes tew make a smart man, but good luck often makes a famous one.

Opinyuns are like other vegetables, worth just what they will fetch.

I think most men had rather be charged with malice than with making a blunder.

Love cuts up all sorts ov monkey shines, it makes a fool sober, and a wize man frisky.

I don’t beleave in total depravity, every man haz sumthing in him to show that God made him.

I suppoze that one reazon whi the “road to ruin” iz broad, iz tew accomadate the grate amount ov travel in that direkshun.

I think i had rather hear a man brag about himself, than tew hear him brag all the time ov sum one else – for i think i like vanity a leetle better than i do sickofansy.

A humbug iz like a bladder, good for nothing till it iz blowed up, and then ain’t good for nothing after it iz pricked.

A bigg noze iz sed tew be a sighn ov genius – if a man’s genius lays in hiz noze, i should say the sign waz a good one.

Vanity iz seldom malishous.

A woman (like an echo), will hav the last word.

Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would find fault with the whole blassted consarn – put a Yankee in, and he would see whare he could alter it to advantage – put an Irishman in, and he would want tew boss the thing – put a Dutchman in, and he would proceed at once to plant it.

When a man is squandering hiz estate, even those who are getting it, call him a phool.

Men mourn for what they hav lost – wimmin, for what they hain’t got.

I judge ov a man’s virtew entirely bi his phashions – it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent.

Thare are menny ways to find out how brave and how honest a man may be, but thare aint no way to find out the extent ov hiz vanity.

A lie iz like a cat, it never cums to yu in a straight line.

Natur iz a kind mother. She couldn’t well afford to make us perfekt, and so she made us blind to our failings.

Studdy the heart if yu want to learn human natur; there ain’t no human natur in a man’s head.

Friendship iz simply the gallantry of self interest.

Beware ov the man with half-shut eyes – he ain’t dreaming.

Experience makes more timid men than it duz wise ones.

Advice iz a drug in the market; the supply alwus exceeds the demand.

One ov the safest and most successful tallents I kno ov iz to be a good listener.