The Complete Works of Josh Billings

Thare would be a grate supply ov wit and humor in this world, if we would only giv others the same credit for being witty that we claim for ourselfs.

Thare are a grate menny excuses that are wuss than the offence.

Be humble, and yu are sure tew be thankful, – be thankful, and yu are sure tew be happy.

He who shows us all hiz wickedness, is not a very dangerous man.

Thare iz no better evidence ov a weak mind, than tew be alwus in a hurry.

Pride, and avarice, iz a most whimsikal mixtur.

A man whom yu kan trust with a sekret, yu kan trust with ennything.

Common sense is the favorite daughter of Reason, and altho thare are menny other wimmin more attraktive for a time, thare iz nothing but death kan rob common sense ov her buty.

Opinions should be formed with grate caushun, and changed with grater.

The only thing that a human being is positively certain ov, iz death.

Silence iz one ov the hardest arguments to refute.

PUDDIN AND MILK

Love iz sed tew be blind, but I kno lots ov phellows in love who kan see twice az much in their galls az i kan.

The miser iz a riddle. What he possesses he haint got, and what he leaves behind him he never had.

Good phisick iz like a fiddle, it furnishes the tune, while natur cuts the pigeon wing and cures the patient.

Caution, tho very often wasted, iz a good risk to take.

Pity iz about the meanest wash that one man kan offer another, i had rather hav a 10 dollar greenback that had been torn in two twice and pasted together, than tew have all the pity thare iz on the upper side ov the earth – pity iz nothing more than a quiet satisfackshun that i am a great deal better oph than yu am, and that I intend to keep so.

Fortune iz like a coquette, if you dont run after her she will run after you.

Did you ever hear a very ritch man sing?

If i was a going to paint a pikter of Faith, Affection and Honesty, i would paint mi dog looking up in mi face and waggin his tail.

The devil iz a mean kuss; he never keeps hiz own promises, but alwus makes us keep ours.

Truth iz az artless az a child, and as purswasive.

There iz nothing in this life that men pay so hi a price for az they do for repentance.

Laws are made, customs grow – laws hav tew be executed, customs execute themselves – laws begin where customs end.

Men who hav a good deal tew say, use the fewest words.

Punning iz nothing more than mimickry, the best punster now living iz a monkey; he makes a pun on a louse forty times a day bi skratching hiz head.

The road tew wealth iz a highway, but the road tew knowledge iz a byeway.

Shame iz the dieing embers of virtew.

I don’t know ov a better kure for sorrow than tew pity sum boddy else.

Experience iz a grindstun, and it iz lucky for us if we kan git brightened by it, not ground.

We shouldn’t forgit one thing, that thare iz not a single fee simple on this futstool; even the best tooth in our hed may fall tew aking before sunset and hav tew be jerked out.

Ignorance iz the wet nuss of prejudice.

Anticipation iz constantly nibbling expekted pleazure untill it consumes it, jiss so the skool boy, who visits his basket during the forenoon too often, has allreddy diskounted hiz dinner.

I never knu a man trubbled with melankolly, who had plenty to dew, and did it.

Good breeding, az i understand it, iz giving every man his due, without robbing yourself.

Natur iz jist az honest az a cow.

Talk little, but listen out loud, yung man, iz the way tew make the company suspekt you – i mean suspekt yu ov knowing a grate deal more than yu aktually do.

If yu should reduce the wants ov the people ov Nu York citty tew aktual necessitys and plain comforts, yu would hav tew dubble the perlice force tew keep them from committing suicide.

People when they find fault with theirselfs, are generally more anxious tew be consoled than forgiven, and, therefore, when a man begins tew confess hiz sins tew me and sez, “thare ain’t no hope for him,” i tell him he ought tew know awl about it, and i guess iz more than half right.

What the world wants iz good examples, not so mutch advice; advice may be wrong, but examples prove themselves.

Pride iz bogus. Adam at one time had a right tew be proud but he let sin beat him out of hiz birthright.

A crowing hen and a cackling ruseter are very misfortunate poultry in a family.

Az a ginral thing the man who marrys a woman ov more uppercrust than himself will find the woman more anxious tew preserve the distance between them than tew bring him up tew her grade or go down tew hiz level.

Titles are valuable; they make us acquainted with menny persons who otherwise would be lost amung the rubbish.

Peace iz the soft and holy shadder that virtew casts.

Habits are like the wrinkles on a man’s brow, if yu will smoothe out the one i will smoothe out the other.

It iz a darned sight eazier tew find six men who kan tell exactly how a thing ought tew be did than tew find one who will do it.

Marrying for money iz a meaner way tew git it than counterfiting.

Dispatch iz taking time bi the ears. Hurry iz taking it bi the end ov the tail.

The miser who heaps up gains tew gloat over iz like a hog in a pen fatted for a show.