The Complete Works of Josh Billings

If we could see the sekret motives that prompt even the good ackshuns ov men, we should see more tew reprove than admire.

The best specimens ov calm resignashun tew their fate that I hav met with thus far, hav been amung thoze who had an inkum ov 40 thousand dollars a year, less government tax.

Diogenes and Seneca were two az grate philosophers az the world haz ever produced; one lived in a tub, and the other in a palace.

Most ov the happiness in this world konsists in possessing what others kant git.

Take all the phools and the good luk out of this world, and it would bother menny ov us tew git a living.

Thare iz a grate menny ghosts travelling around loose, but no one ever saw one yet.

Honesty iz like money, yu hav got tew work hard tew git it, and then work harder to keep it.

I alwus git my boots made bi the shumaker that other shumakers praze.

Philosophy iz born in the head, and dies in the heart.

I hav noticed one thing, that just about in proporshun that the pashuns are weak, men are seemingly virtewous.

Here iz just what’s the matter – if yu shut yureself up folks will run after yu, and if yu run after folks they will shut themselfs up.

Thare iz az mutch difference between wit and humor, az thare iz between the ile and the essence of peppermint.

It iz a safe kalkulashun that the more praze a man iz willing to take, the less he deserves.

Thare iz but phew people in this world underrated.

Honesty iz the only aristokrasy that i acknoweledge; an honest man iz alwus a well-bred man and a gentleman.

Politeness iz not only the most powerful, but the cheapest argument I kno ov. The more wrinkles i kan see in a man’s face the better i like it, provided a smile lays in each one ov the gutters.

The philosophers tell us that “natur abhors a vacum.” This ackounts for the sawdust in sum mens heds.

Thare iz now and then a person to whom sosiety owes menny obligashuns, but most people owe all thare iz ov them tew sosiety.

If yu pull the sting out ov a hornet hiz moral power iz gone in a minnit.

We are all ov us willing tew divide our sorrows amung our nabors, but our plezzures we are more stingy with.

Sages and phools are the only two kinds ov people that the world kan afford tew hav liv in solitude.

If a man waz kompletely virtewous, i doubt whether he would be happy here, he would be so lonesum.

It dont require mutch tallent tew giv good advice, but tew follow it duz.

Altho the mule iz looked upon az a stupid kritter, he makes sum most brilliant hits.

Every man haz a weak side, and sum hav two or three.

He who demands respekt almost allways deserves it.

Ridikule that ain’t true haz no partikular power.

I wouldn’t giv 250 dollars cash, or good dicker, for all the fame thare iz in the world at this partikular junktur.

Mi opinyun ov mankind, az a brilliant suckcess, needs a good deal ov nussing.

No church kan expekt tew be very suckcessful now days, unless it haz got a good orkestra in it.

Hope iz a thoughtless jade – she often cheats us, but she haz no malace.

When i waz yung i thought all money spent waz well invested, but az i get older i cypher different.

God makes opportunitys, but man must hunt for them.

Invenshun and judgement are seldom found together.

Ambishun tew shine in everything iz a sure way tew put a man’s kandell all out.

Man’s make up iz ov natur and custom, and i don’t kno which ov the two iz the most powerfullest.

A grate brag iz either a phool or a coward, and probably he iz both.

Az long az we are lucky we attribit it tew our smartness; our bad luck we giv the gods credit for.

Thare iz one person in this world that every boddy kan tell yu all about, and that iz the next door nabor.

Thare are people who love too well to ever be jealous.

I kno lots ov people who always think at least 3 times before they speak once, and then never say enny thing worth listening to.

It takes a certain amount ov back ground in a man’s karakter tew sho hiz virtews to good advantage.

It iz better tew overshute the mark than tew fall short; this shows that the fault ain’t in the amunishun.

Thare iz plenty ov individuals who, if they kan go up like a baloon, are willing tew cum down like a chunk.

JEWS HARPS

A gentleman iz a gentleman the world over, – loafers differ.

Benevolence iz the cream that rizes on the milk ov human kindness.

Courage without discretion, iz a ram with horns on both ends, he will hav more fites on hand than he kan well attend to.

Hunting after happiness, iz like hunting after a lost sheep in the wilderness, when yu find it, the chances are, that it iz a skeleton.

A dog iz the only animal kritter, who luvs yu more than he luvs himself.