The Complete Works of Josh Billings

PLUM PITS

It iz a grate art to kno how tew listen.

This seems to be about the way it iz did: When we are yung, we run into difikultys, and when we git old, we fall into them.

Love seems tew hav this effekt, it makes a yung man sober, and an old man gay.

Love iz a lighted kandel, and coquets fly around it, just az a miller duz, till by-and-by they dive into it, and then what a burnt coquet and miller we hav.

It ain’t bekauze lovers are so sensitiff that they quarrel so often, it iz bekauze thare iz so mutch phun in making up.

I don’t kno but a Prude may possibly fall in love, but if they ever do, they don’t kno it.

About the last thing a man duz tew korrekt hiz faults iz tew quit them.

I should jist az soon expekt tew see a monkey fall in love as to see a dandy.

The wimmen ought tew ketch all them phellows who part their hair in the middle, and clap a red flannel pettycoat on them.

The chief end ov woman, now daze, seems tew be to wear new silk clothes, and the chief end ov man seems to be to pay for them.

About all that this far famed Philosophy kan teach us, iz tew suffer pain, and not own it, and it seems to hav reached the hight of its ambishun when it courts sorrow, for the sake ov being a martyr.

Pure ignoranse, after all, iz the best alloy for vanity, for a vain phool iz quite harmless. It iz better that we be grater than our condishun in life, than tew hav our condishun appear too grate for us.

There iz nothing that a man kan do that should cut him off from pitty, the fakt that he iz human should always entitle him to commiserashun.

Prudes hoard their virtews, the same az mizers do their money, more for the sake ov recounting them, than for use.

If yu seek wisdum, mi yung friend, studdy men, and things, if yu desire larning, studdy dikshionarys.

I think opportunitys are made full az often az they happen.

I hav often had grave doubts, which waz ov the most importance, the bustle ov men or the hurry ov pissmires.

It iz a grate deal eazier tew look upon thoze who are below us with pitty, than tew look upon thoze who are abuv us, without envy.

Good common sense iz az helthy az onions, we often see thoze who are good, simply bekauze they haint got sense enuff tew be bad, and thoze who are bad just bekause they haint got sense enuff tew be good.

The man who don’t kno himself iz a poor judge ov the other phellow.

Envy iz sutch a constant companyun, that if we find no one abuv us to envy, we will envy thoze below us.

Whoever iz a sedate old man at 20, will be apt tew be a frivilous yung one at 60.

Thare iz no servitude in life so oppressive az tew be obliged tew flatter thoze whom we don’t respekt enuff to praze.

Wit, without sense, iz like a razor without a handle.

We mingle in sosiety, not so mutch tew meet others az to eskape ourselfs.

The truly innosent are thoze who not only are guiltless themselfes, but who think others are.

To meet death without betraying enny emoshun iz tew be simply az courageous az a beast.

Persekuted for rhighteousness sake, iz quite common in this world – persekuted for the devil’s sake iz not so common.

Don’t be afrade, yung man, tew make a blunder once in a while most all the blunders are made by the sincere and honest.

I must respekt thoze, I suppose, who never make enny blunders, but I don’t luv them.

I like them kind of folks, who, if they do once in a while weigh out a pound with only 13 ounces in it, are just az apt tew make the next pound weigh 19 ounces.

I luv mi phailings. It iz theze that make me pheel that i have that tutch ov natur in me that makes me brother tew every man living.

The greatest blessing that the great and good God can bestow on enny human being iz humility.

Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in gin; but the poetry and the gin, both ov them, are kussid poor.

Thare iz sum excuse for a man being a loafer in the country, whare even natur once in a while takes the liberty to loaf a little; but in a big citty, whare all suckcess depends upon aktivity, a loafer iz a failure, except it be to paste advertisements onto.

How natral it iz for a man, when he makes a mistake, to korrekt it by kussing sumboddy else for it.

I never diskuss politiks nor sektarianism; i beleave in letting every man fight hiz rooster hiz own way.

Pride seems tew be quite equally distributed; the man who owns the carriage and the man who drives it seem tew have it just alike.

If we giv up our minds tew little things we never shall be fit for big ones. I knew a man once who could ketch more flies with one swoop ov his hand than enny boddy else could, and he want good at ennything else.

Human happiness konsists in having what yu want, and wanting what yu hav.

Fortune sumtimes shows us the way, but it iz energy that achieves suckcess.

The richest man in the world is the one who dispizes riches the most.

Trusting to luck is only another name for trusting to lazyness.

Fortune never takes enny boddy by the hand, but she often allows them to take her by the hand.

Avarice and lazyness makes the most digusting kind ov a mixtur.

Two thirds ov what is called love iz nothing but jealousy.

Sekrets are like the meazles – they take eazy and spred eazy.

The eazyest thing for our friends to diskover in us, and the hardest thing for us to diskover in ourselfs, iz that we are growing old.

We sumtimes hit a thing right the fust blow, but most always a suckcess iz the result ov menny failures.