The Complete Works of Josh Billings

The heart rules the hed, bekauze the pashuns rule the judgement.

Advice iz like kissing – it don’t kost nothing, and iz a pleazant thing to do.

One ov the most diffikult, and at the same time one ov the most necessary, things for us old phellows to know, iz that we aint ov so mutch ackount now az we waz.

CHIPS

Dont mistake a dounkast eye for modesty, dounkast eyes are often on the lookout sideways.

“It is one thing tew take the chances, and quite another thing tew find them.

“It is not the whole ov our duty tew foller the examples ov good men, but tew leave behind us sum decent tracks for others tew foller.

“Rumor is a spark at fust, then a fire, then a conflagrashun, and then ashes.

“The wust enemy that a man kan hav is flattery, it is wuss than abuse; it is better tew be knocked endways by a foe than tew be blowed up sideways with the quill of a windy friend.

“Death is a cessation ov hosstilitys; a flag ov truce; to the righteous a gain, and tew the wicked no loss.

“If you are looking after happiness don’t take the turnpike, take one ov the byroads, yu will avoid the tollgates, and find it less crowded and dursty.

“Mutch buty iz like the strawberry, soon out ov season, but exquisit while it duz last, and like the strawberry, ain’t perfekt without a good deal ov sugar.

“Rules for long life are like gide boards tew a deserted citty.

“Hipokrasy is one ov the vices that yu kant konvert, ya might az well undertake tew git the wiggle out ov a snake, or the grease out ov fat pork.

“A witty writer is like a porkupine, hiz quill makes no distinktion between a friend and a foe.

“About one-half the discumfert ov this life iz the result ov gitting tired ov ourselfs.

“Solitude wud be an excellent place tew go to if a man could leave his baggage (or sin) behind him.

“He that marrys a christian woman iz the son-in-law ov Divine Providence.

“Menny a young person haz died old by living a long time after they waz dead, and menny an old person haz died long before their time cum by being dead while they waz a living.

“Precepts are poor stuff tew bring up young ones on, it iz like sending them down cellar without enny kandle tew larn them tew see in the dark.

“Thare iz no sutch thing az acksidents, if one thing happens by acksident awl things may; Heaven haz no beureau ov acksidents.

“We should be kerful how we encourage luxurys, it iz but a step forward from hoe-cake to plum-puddin, but it iz a mile and a half, by the nearest road, when we hav tew go back agin.

“Smiles and tears cum from the same fountain, and az the showers ov heaven are followed by the sunshine, tew gladden the earth, so duz joy follow sadness, tew make the soul cheerful.

“Thare iz just az mutch jelousy, (it iz only less dangerous) among the lowly az among the ritch; the poor devil with a whole loaf under hiz arm, iz the lord of hiz naberhood, and the half loaves look on with envious wonder, while he struts up and down the alley.

“We only love them that we fear. This may be only one of my lies, but it looks so tew me from where i stand now.

“The best condishun in life iz not to be so ritch az tew be envyed, nor so poor az to be damned.

“Iz it charity tew giv tew a thankless cuss in need? certainly; jest az mutch az it would be to save a drouning cow.

“Just praize iz the vernakular ov good deeds.

“Whare thare iz grate virtue, thare must hav bin grate vices, or else a very poor sile, that raizes nothing but what haz bin planted, and well tended and manured at that.

“Revenge iz jist az natral as milk, yu will see little bits ov boys club the post that they bump their heads aginst.”

KOARSE SHOT

Whenever yu see a doktor who alwus travels on the jump, yu kan bet he is looking for a job.

The bulk ov mankind are mere imitators of very poor originals. It iz a grate deal eazier tew be a philosopher after a man haz had a warm meal than it iz when he don’t kno whare he iz a going tew git one.

Most men lament their condishun in life, but thare are but phew, after all, who are superior to it.

To never dispair may be God like, but it ain’t human. Affektashun looks well in a monkey.

Trieing tew define love iz like trieing tew tell how yu kum tew brake thru the ice, all yu kno about it iz, yu fell in, and got ducked.

The prinsipal importanse ov a mistery iz the mistery itself.

What makes a ghost so respektable a karakter iz, that noboddy ever saw one.

The pedigree that we receive from our ansestors iz like the money we receive from them, we are not expekted tew liv on the principle, but on the accumulashun, and transmit the principle unimpaired.

A weak man wants az mutch watching az a bad one.

It iz hard work tew define human happiness, the real possessor ov it iz the very one who kant define it.

Wealth iz no guard aginst villany, thare iz az mutch iniquity amung the ritch az amung the poor, ackording tew their numbers.

A wize man never enjoys himself so mutch, nor a phool so little, az when alone.

Avarice iz az hungry az the grave.

Thare iz a grate deal ov virtew in this world that iz like jewellry, more for ornament than use.

I am satisfied that courage in men iz more often the effekt ov konstitushun than ov principle.

About the best thing that experience kan teach us iz tew bear misfortins, and sorrow, with kompozure.

Mans necessitys are phew, but hiz wants are endless.

Thare are menny people who not only beleave that this world revolves on its axis, but they beleave that they are the axis.

Self-made men are most alwus apt tew be a leetle too proud ov the job.