The Complete Works of Josh Billings

I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two know what ain’t so.

About the hardest work a phellow kan do iz tew spark two galls at once, and preserve a good average.

Prudery iz one ov virtews bastards.

A nickname will outline enny man or thing; it iz like the crook in a dogg’s taile, you may cut it oph, and throw it behind the barn, but the crook is thare yet, and the stump iz the epitaph.

If yu analize what most men kall plezzure, yu will find it compozed ov one part humbugg, and two parts pain.

When yu haint got nothing tew do, do it at once; this iz the way to learn to be bizzy.

We hav bin told that the best way to overkum misfortunes iz tew fight with them – I hav tried both ways, and recommend a successful dodge.

The art ov becomeing ov importance in the eyes ov others, iz not tew overrate ourself, but tew cauze them tew do it.

The true way to understand the judgments ov heaven is to submit to them.

Method iz everything, espeshily tew ordinary men; the few men who kan lift a ton, at plessure, hav a divine right tew take holt ov it tew a disadvantage.

The mind ov man iz like a piece ov land that, tew be useful, must be manured with learning, ploughed with energy, sown with virtew, and harvested with ekonemy.

Whare religion iz a trade, morality iz a merchandize.

Conversashun should be enlivened with wit, not compozed ov it.

The less a man knows, the more he will guess at; and guessing iz nothing more than suspicion.

Going tew law, iz like skinning a new milch cow for the hide, and giving the meat tew the lawyers.

Death, tew most ov us, iz a kind ov “farewell benefit,” – “positively our last appearance.”

Phools are quite often like hornets, verry bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.

Living on Hope, iz like living on wind, a good way tew git phull, but a poor way tew git phatt.

Jealousy don’t pay, the best it kan do, iz tew diskover what we don’t want tew find, nor don’t expekt to.

Sekrets are a mortgage on friendships.

I don’t think a bad man iz az dandgerous az a weak one – I don’t think that a bile that haz cum tew a hed, iz az risky as a hidden one, that may cum tew a dozzen heds.

A vivid imaganashun iz like sum glasses, makes things at a distance look twice az big as they am, and cluss to, twice as small az they am.

Hope iz a draft on futurity, sumtimes honored, but generally extended.

If the world dispizes a hypokrit, what must they think ov him in Heaven.

Flattery iz like Colone water, tew be smelt ov, not swallowed.

After all, there don’t seem tew be but this diffrence between the wize men and the phools; the wize men are all fuss and sum feathers, while the phools are all fuss and no feathers.

Without friends and without enemys iz the last reliable ackount we hav ov a stray dog.

Men generally, when they whip a mule, sware; the mule remembers the swareing, but forgits the licking.

Sum folks wonder whare awl the lies cum from, but i don’t, one good liar will pizen a whole country.

Hunting after fame iz like hunting after fleas, hard tew ketch, and sure tew make yu uneazy if yu dew or don’t ketch them.

Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole whare sin got into this world – if two men brake through the ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the hole they cum tew fall in.

Imaginashun, tew mutch indulged in, soon iz tortured into reality; this iz one way that good hoss thiefs are made, a man leans over a fence all day, and imagines the hoss in the lot belongs tew him, and sure enuff, the fust dark night, the hoss does.

If you must chaw terbacker, young man, for Heaven’s sake, chaw old plugg, it iz the nastyest.

INK LINGS

Truth iz like the burdocks a cow gits into the end ov her tail, the more she shakes them oph, the less she gits rid ov them.

Thare is 2 kinds ov men in this world, that i don’t kare about meeting when i am in a grate hurry. Men whom i owe, and men who want to owe me.

Thare iz always one chance agin the best laid plans ov man, and the Lord holds that chance.

Mi private opinyun about “abscence ov mind” is, that 9 times out ov 10, it iz abscence ov branes.

The flattery that men offer tew themselfs iz the most dangerous, bekause the least suspekted.

Take a kitten that kan hardly walk on land, and chuck him into a mill pond, and he will swim ashore – enny boddy kan apply the moral in this. The best philosophers and moralists i hav ever met, hav been thoze who had plenty to eat, and drink, and had money at interest.

It takes a wize man to suffer prosperity, but most enny phool kan suffer adversity.

Pride, after all, iz one ov our best friends – it makes us beleave we are better and happier than our nabors.

Before yu give enny man advise, find out what kind ov advice will suit him the best.

Knowledge is like money, the more a man gits the more he hankers for.

The vices and phollys ov grate men are never admired nor imitated bi grate men.

The trew art ov kriticism is tew excuse faults rather than ridikule them.

We hav no more right to laff at a deformed person, than we hav at a crooked tree – both ov them are God’s arkitekture.

How strange it iz that most men had rather be flattered for possessing what they hav not, than to be justly praised for having what they possess.

Suavity ov manners towards men iz like suavity ov molassis toward flies, it not only calls them to you, but sticks them fast after they git thare.

Thare iz a grate deal ov charity in this world so koldly rendered that it fairly hurts, it iz like lifting a drowning man out ov the water bi the hair ov the hed, and then letting him drop on the ground.