Nobody’s Son: All Alex ever wanted was a family of his own

‘I’m going to meet Mummy and Daddy on Saturday and my brother on Sunday.’

‘Yes, that’s right. They’ll come here on Saturday for an hour and then you and I will go there on Sunday.’

He nodded contemplatively and was about to snuggle down when he realized he’d forgotten to choose a soft toy for the night. He climbed out, picked up the polar bear with its gaily striped scarf, then climbed back into bed.

‘Do you think James takes a cuddly to bed with him?’ he asked.

‘Possibly, I don’t know. You could ask him on Sunday.’

‘I might be too shy to ask,’ Alex said, and lay down.

‘James is likely to be shy too to begin with,’ I said. ‘Remember that. But you’ll soon get to know each other and relax.’ I tucked him in. ‘Would you like a goodnight kiss?’ I wondered if he might, as he’d been happy to have a hug earlier.

‘No, thank you,’ he said with a small, embarrassed smile. ‘I’m saving all my kisses for my mummy.’

‘I understand,’ I said, also smiling. ‘Night then, love. Sleep tight.’

He turned onto his side, and with one arm around the polar bear slipped the other under his pillow to rest on the album. With a little sigh of contentment he closed his eyes for sleep.

The following day Alex brought the album down to breakfast and then returned it to under his pillow before he went to school. Many children store their treasured possessions under their pillow; sometimes it’s the only safe place in their house. Jill, Debbie and Lin all telephoned that morning to see how the previous evening had gone, when I’d shown Alex the album and explained the timetable of introduction. I said it had gone very well indeed and that Alex was looking forward to meeting his adoptive family. I told them he treasured the album and had slept with it under his pillow. They were touched and pleased, as this positive start boded well for when they all met, and indeed for when Alex moved in. If a child is ambivalent or even negative towards their adoptive family at the beginning of the process, the parents can face a very unsettled few months when the child moves in, with challenging behaviour designed to test the parents’ love and commitment. Thankfully they are usually prepared for this, and with post-adoption support they can appreciate how difficult it must be for the child, with all the adjustments they have to make.

I telephoned my parents that morning. We usually spoke on the phone a couple of times a week and saw each other on alternate weekends, with either them visiting us or us them. They’re the typical loving grandparents who dote on and spoil their grandchildren. They also welcome any child or children I am fostering. We’d been due to see them this weekend, but I now realized that wasn’t going to be possible. Adrian and Paula were out with their father on Sunday and I would be taking Alex for his first visit to his new home. They could have come on Saturday afternoon, but I felt that would be too much for Alex. He would have met his parents for the first time that morning, and then to have to meet more new people (whom he probably wouldn’t see again) in the afternoon could have been confusing and unsettling. Dad was out, so I explained the situation to Mum. She was understanding and said we’d get together again as soon as possible.

The rest of the day passed much as usual. I did some work, collected Paula from nursery at lunchtime and the boys from school in the afternoon. The evening disappeared as most school-day evenings do with dinner, homework, stories, bath and bed. Alex had checked that his album was still under the pillow when he’d arrived home and had left it there for safe-keeping, periodically popping up to his room to take a peek. At bedtime he asked me to go through the photographs again and also the timetable of the introductions before I said goodnight, which I was happy to do.

The following day was Friday and Adrian was pleased it was the end of the school week and that he would be seeing his father on Sunday. Contact was something we’d all had to adjust to, and it was now working as well as could be expected, although the feeling that none of this should ever have happened in the first place stayed with me. Yes, I blamed John, but I kept it to myself so it didn’t affect the children’s relationship with him. Alex was obviously pleased the weekend was nearly here as he would be meeting his parents. In the post that morning was a letter from Debbie enclosing a copy of the timetable, and I put it with my diary.

Alex was quieter than usual that evening and I thought he was probably a little nervous, which was only natural; he had a lot to think about. I asked him a few times if he was all right and he said he was. As we didn’t have to be up early for school in the morning I let the boys stay up a little later, although I took Paula up at her usual bedtime as she needed more sleep at her age. At 7.30 the boys and I were in the living room playing a game of cards when the house phone rang. Leaving the game, I picked up the handset from the corner table. ‘Hello?’

A half-familiar male voice said, ‘Cathy?’

‘Yes.’

‘I hope I haven’t disturbed you. Is this a good time to speak to Alex? It’s Graham. We were told we should phone at the end of the week.’

‘Yes, of course. Debbie mentioned it. I’ll put him on. How are you?’

‘Fine, thanks. Sandy will speak to him too.’

‘OK. Just a minute.’ Lowering the phone, I said to Alex, ‘It’s Graham, he’d like to say hello.’

Alex was concentrating on the cards he held in his hand and, without looking up, shook his head.

‘Alex, it’s Graham and Sandy, your old foster carers. They’d like to talk to you.’ I saw his face set as he shook his head again. ‘Are you sure?’ He nodded and turned slightly away. ‘All right, I’ll tell him.’

I returned the phone to my ear, but before I spoke Graham said, ‘He doesn’t want to talk to us, does he?’

‘No. Sorry. There’s rather a lot going on for him right now, and he’s in the middle of a game. If he changes his mind we’ll phone you.’

‘OK,’ Graham said easily and, I thought, a little relieved. ‘Tell him good luck with his adoptive family.’

‘I will. Thank you for phoning.’

We said goodbye and I replaced the receiver. ‘Graham said good luck,’ I said to Alex. ‘If you change your mind and want to phone them let me know.’ I doubted he would. He was moving on from the past and looking to a brighter future with his forever family.

Chapter Six

Alex Meets His Parents (#ulink_f7ccc9f2-1d1f-5672-ab47-e919dde4d377)

Unsurprisingly, Alex was awake early the following morning. I heard a noise in his bedroom at six o’clock, just as I was waking. I went round in my dressing gown to find him wide awake, sitting up in bed, surrounded by his soft toys and with the photograph album open on his lap.

‘Are you OK?’ I asked quietly, going in, and not wanting to wake Adrian and Paula.

‘I’m reminding myself of what my family look like,’ he said.

‘All right. That’s fine. I’ll tell you when it’s time to get dressed.’

Alex wasn’t unhappy so I left him to view his photographs in private.

Adrian and Paula woke just before eight o’clock and everyone was dressed and downstairs ready for breakfast by 8.15. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly children can get dressed at the weekends when there is no school and the promise of being able to play all day.

Alex brought his photograph album down to breakfast and placed it under his seat. But then he just toyed with his food and hardly ate a thing. I told him not to worry, that he could make up for it at lunch and that I, too, was feeling nervous and I was sure his mummy and daddy were as well. I then tried to distract him by arranging various toys and board games at the table and in the living room, and, encouraged by Adrian and Paula, he made a brave attempt to play with them. But over the next hour he grew quieter and more withdrawn. At 10.45, fifteen minutes before Edward and Rosemary were due to arrive, Alex went up to his bedroom and closed the door.

His behaviour didn’t surprise me. Alex wasn’t a confident child and the enormity of meeting his new parents had finally taken its toll. Leaving Adrian and Paula playing in the living room, I went upstairs, knocked on Alex’s door and went in. He was in bed, fully clothed.

‘Alex, love, it’s not bedtime yet,’ I said lightly, going to his bedside. He had the duvet pulled up to his chin.

‘I know, but I like it in here,’ he said quietly. ‘It’s nice and safe and warm.’

‘Yes,’ I agreed. ‘It’s comforting being in bed, but you’ll be very hot in there.’

‘I don’t mind.’

I paused and looked at his little face peeping over the duvet, large eyes watching me cautiously. ‘Alex, I know you must be feeling anxious and worried. That’s only natural. This is a big day for you all, but is there anything in particular that is worrying you?’

He shook his head, but then said, ‘Yes.’

‘Can you tell me what it is?’

‘They might not like me,’ he said, clearly having been thinking about this for a while.

‘They’ll like you,’ I said. ‘I’m sure of it.’

‘But supposing they like me to begin with and then after a few months they change their minds and stop liking me? Like Graham and Sandy and the others did. I’d have to move all my things again and go to another new school.’

I knelt beside his bed so his face was level with mine. ‘Alex, this is very different to what’s happened in the past. They are going to adopt you. That is a commitment for life. When a child is adopted it’s the same as if the parents had the child. They will love and care for you just as they do James.’

‘But how can you be sure?’ he asked.