The Complete Book of Rules: Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right

Their female friends, conditioned by the social mores of today and with well-meaning intentions, may say ‘Oh, call him if you like him! What have you got to lose?’ If he turns them down, ‘So, what?’ they say.

Well we say:

1 Maybe if you don’t call him, he’ll build up a real desire and call you!

2 A man who is receptive to your advances (without making any of his own) may date or even marry you at your suggestion, but down the road he’ll be bored and ambivalent toward you.

Women have turned to The Rules because it’s the only advice they can count on that works. They’re not retro, they’re fabulous!

Antifeminist? No, as far as we are concerned, there is no conflict between The Rules and feminism. Rules girls can be feminists. We are feminists. We believe in and are grateful for the advances women have made in the last century. How else could we have become authors and formed a company? All women have different definitions of feminism, but to us, it is about getting equal pay for equal work. It’s about women being authors, astronauts, doctors, lawyers, CEOs or whatever they want to be – getting promoted, being treated the same and paid as much as men!

Feminism is also about women believing in their own importance. It is about being fulfilled by our jobs, our hobbies, our friendships. It is knowing that the women in our lives are as important as the men – and treating our friends with respect and consideration to prove it!

But with all due respect, feminism has not changed men or the nature of romantic relationships. Like it or not, men are emotionally and romantically different from women. Men are biologically the aggressor. They thrive on challenge – whether it’s the stock market, basketball or football – while women crave security and bonding. This has been true since civilization began!

Men who respond to The Rules are not sick or stupid, but quite normal and healthy. Your average guy. What would be sick is if a man chased and chased a woman who clearly didn’t want him, who repeatedly said ‘no’ when he asked her out as early as Monday for Saturday night. But that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about a woman who says ‘yes’ to dates when asked a few days in advance and is nice to men on dates. She’s simply not too eager and doesn’t drop everything to see him at a moment’s notice. That way he respects her and wants to be with her and marry her.

Why men are naturally driven by challenge is not important. The point is to do what works to have a successful relationship, which is to let men do the pursuing … in other words, to follow The Rules.

After twenty or thirty years of do-what-you-feel and haphazard dating, most women we know are actually relieved to have rules and boundaries to live by. These women are happy that feminism has helped them get ahead in business and given them financial independence, but they agree that trying to be as aggressive in relationships with men as they are in their careers doesn’t work.

Are we telling women to play games? Some people like to focus on the most superficial aspects in The Rules – the ones most likely to promote controversy – but the book is really about self-esteem, about setting boundaries. Yes, in some ways, you’re playing a game. The game is called liking yourself! The game is not accepting just any treatment from a man. The game is being true to your heart. Everyone knows in their hearts that The Rules work, that this is the way it really is. But some people have to read the book a few times before they get the message that it’s not just about egg timers, lipstick and not returning calls.

The Rules is not an etiquette book – it’s not about how to order wine on a date or which fork to use. While these niceties are important, they’re not what The Rules focus on. The Rules are about saving women – and men, for that matter – heartache. There are many disastrous relationships out there because women either initiated relationships with men or kept them going long after they should have been over. A failed relationship is depressing, confidence-shaking and altogether unpleasant. By following The Rules, you avoid these disastrous results – and these painful emotions.

We had to write The Rules strictly, like a strict diet book, because we knew women would break them. They always sneak in their favourite high-fat meal or a piece of chocolate cake on Saturday nights. With such strict rules, even if women break the occasional rule, they can still reap the benefits of doing the rest.

Even therapists, whom we were sure would find the ‘be mysterious’ part of The Rules objectionable, are actually recommending the book to their clients. They agree that the openness and honesty so necessary in therapy do not work in the initial stages of dating.

Are The Rules too marriage-minded? No, just realistic. Many women want to get married, and why not? It’s great to have a wonderful man to share your life with – end of story. We’re not telling women they’re nothing without a man. It’s just that many women feel that if they don’t marry a nice guy, they’re missing something. It’s a fact. This is how they really feel. It’s not a moral issue. Can they be happy without a husband? Sure. Can you be happy without taking holidays? Sure, but why would you want to?

We are not advocating marriage at any cost. On the contrary, in Rule 42: ‘Buyer Beware’, we explain how to determine if he’s Mr Right. This is a thinking woman’s guide to marriage. This is not about being a Stepford wife.

Indeed, The Rules represents a change in attitude about dating, a new spirituality that is sorely needed today. It’s going against nature when you chase a man, sleep with him too soon or beg him to marry you. He may end up mistreating you, even if he marries you. He may never forgive you for trapping him and treat you badly.

Conversely, when you do The Rules on a man who initially showed interest, he gets to fall in love with you and value you. He does not take you for granted. Every phone call and date is precious. He never feels trapped or that you pressured him to marry you because he did the calling, the pursuing, the proposing.

Rules marriages are happy marriages. Rules husbands make wonderful partners for life. They are attentive and involved husbands and fathers. They change diapers, help the kids with their homework and plan family holidays.

The Rules work. They really do. That’s why women who want to be happily married – or at the very least, in a loving relationship – are living by The Rules – and loving the results.

1 The History of The Rules (#ulink_351f3f34-3aea-5c17-a25f-a2eee2a203b4)

No one seems to remember exactly how The Rules got started, but we think they began circa 1917 with Melanie’s grandmother who made men wait nervously in her parents’ front room in a small suburb of Michigan. Back then, they called it ‘playing hard to get’. Whatever you call it, she had more marriage proposals than shoes. Grandma passed on her know-how to Melanie’s mother, who passed it on to Melanie. It had been a family treasure for nearly a century. But when Melanie got married in 1981, she freely offered this old-fashioned advice to her single college friends and co-workers, like us.

At first, Melanie whispered The Rules. After all, modern women aren’t to talk loudly about wanting to get married. We had grown up dreaming about being the president of a company, not the wife of the president. So, we quietly passed The Rules on from friend to friend, somewhat embarrassed because they seemed so, well, 50s. Still, we had to face it: as much as we loved being powerful in business, for most of us, that just wasn’t enough. Like our mothers and grandmothers before us, we also wanted husbands who would be our best friends. Deep inside, if the truth be told, we really wanted to get married – the romance, the gown, the flowers, the presents, the honeymoon – the whole package. We didn’t want to give up our liberation, but neither did we want to come home to empty flats. Who said we couldn’t have it all?

If you think The Rules are crazy, don’t worry, so did we. But after much heartache we came to believe that The Rules aren’t immoral or outlandish, just a simple working set of behaviours and reactions that, when followed, invariably serve to make most women irresistible to desirable men. Why not admit it? We needed The Rules! Women today simply have not been schooled in the basics – The Rules of finding a husband or at least being very popular with men.

Soon, we got bolder and began to talk louder. These Rules – they worked!

At first, we were uncomfortable with some of the premises which seemed to fly in the face of everything we’d been taught about male-female relations; but – there was no getting around it – success talked. We swallowed some of our preconceived theories, followed The Rules faithfully and watched as so many of us got married (along with being career women or whatever else we were).

There we were – a secret underground, sharing the magic, passing it on, doing what historically women have done for each other since the world began – networking for success. This time, though, the stakes were larger and the victories sweeter than any corporate deal. We’re talking marriage here – real, lasting marriage, not just loveless mergers – the result of doing The Rules. The simple Rules. The How-to-Find-a-Great-Husband Rules.

For years, we had been sharing them with the women we knew, both at home and at work. For years, women had been calling us to check up on points: ‘Did you say that you have to end the date first or he does? I forget.’

Then one night, during a Chinese dinner with a few of our single friends, we heard Cindy mention something about these … er, Rules … that she’d heard about from a friend in California. We knew it! There could be no mistake. These were the same Rules one of us had followed in New York to find her wonderful husband. The Rules had crisscrossed the country, bouncing from woman to woman, from suburb to city, until here they came right back to us over egg rolls in Manhattan!

But – and here’s the catch – Cindy got them wrong!

‘The Rule says men have to end the date first so that they’re in charge,’ said Cindy.

‘No, no, no, WRONG. The Rule is you end the date first so that you leave him wanting you more,’ we explained.

It was then that we decided to write The Rules down so that there would be no mistakes.

2 What are The Rules? (#ulink_d2d2e04d-2012-579b-a276-f3bc76b9e2ad)

How many times have you heard someone say, ‘She’s nice, she’s pretty, she’s smart … why isn’t she married?’ Were they talking about you, perhaps? Ever wonder why women who are not so pretty or smart attract men almost effortlessly?

Frankly, many women we know find it easier to relocate to another city, switch careers or run a marathon than get the right man to marry them! If this sounds like you, then you need The Rules!

What are The Rules? They are a simple way of acting around men that can help any woman win the heart of the man of her dreams. Sound too good to be true? We were sceptical at first, too. Read on!

The purpose of The Rules is to make Mr Right obsessed with having you as his by making yourself seem unattainable. In plain language, we’re talking about playing hard to get! Follow The Rules, and he will not just marry you, but feel crazy about you, forever! What we’re promising you is ‘happily ever after’. A marriage truly made in heaven.

If you follow The Rules, you can rest assured that your husband will treat you like a queen – even when he’s angry with you. Why? Because he spent so much time trying to get you. You have become so precious to him that he doesn’t take you for granted. On the contrary, he thinks of you constantly. He’s your best friend, your Rock of Gibraltar during bad times. He’s hurt if you don’t share your problems with him. He is always there for you – when you start your new job, if you need surgery. He even likes to get involved in mundane things, such as picking out a new bedspread. He always wants to do things together.

When you do The Rules, you don’t have to worry about him chasing other women, even your very attractive neighbour or his bosomy secretary. That’s because when you do The Rules, he somehow thinks you’re the sexiest woman alive! When you do The Rules, you don’t have to worry about being abandoned, neglected or ignored!

A woman we know who followed The Rules is now married to a wonderful man who doesn’t try to get rid of her to go out with the guys. Instead, he becomes slightly jealous when she does her own thing. They are very good friends, too.

Men are different from women. Women who call men, ask them out, conveniently have two tickets to a show or offer sex on the first date destroy male ambition and animal drive. Men are born to respond to challenge. Take away challenge and their interest wanes. That, in a nutshell, is the premise of The Rules. Sure, a man might many you if you don’t do The Rules, but we can’t guarantee that yours will be a good marriage.

This is how it works: if men love challenge, we become challenging! But don’t ask a man if he loves challenge. He may think or even say he doesn’t. He may not realize how he reacts. Pay attention to what he does, not what he says.

As you read this book, you may think that The Rules are too calculating and wonder, ‘How hard to get do I have to be? Am I never to cook him dinner or take him to the theatre? What if I just feel like talking to him? Can’t I call? When may I reveal personal things about myself?’

The answer is: Read The Rules. Follow them completely (not a la carte) and you will be happy you did. How many of us know women who never quite trust their husbands and always feel slightly insecure? They may even see therapists to talk about why their husbands don’t pay attention to them. The Rules will save you about fifty pounds an hour in therapy bills.

Of course, it’s easy to do The Rules with men you’re not that interested in. Naturally, you don’t call them, instantly return their calls or send them love letters. Sometimes your indifference makes them so crazy about you that you end up marrying one of them. That’s because you did The Rules (without even thinking about it) and he proposed!

But settling for less is not what this book is about. The idea is to do The Rules with the man you’re really crazy about. This will require effort, patience and self-restraint. But isn’t it worth it? Why should you compromise and marry someone who loves you but whom you’re not crazy about? We know many women who face this dilemma. But don’t worry – this book will help you marry only Mr Right!

Your job now is to treat the man you are really, really crazy about like the man you’re not that interested in – don’t call, be busy sometimes! Do all of this from the beginning – from day one! Do it from the second you meet him – or should we say, the second he meets you! The better you do The Rules from the beginning, the harder he will fall for you.

Keep thinking, ‘How would I behave if I weren’t that interested in him?’ And then behave that way. Would you offer endless encouragement to someone you didn’t really like? Would you stay on the phone with him for hours? Of course not!