The Complete Book of Rules: Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right

Susan Dobbs Johnson

Susan D. Johnson

Don’t you have better things to do?

Rule 10 How to Act on Dates 1, 2 and 3 (#ulink_462d9f4e-eb8d-5577-8585-e43475c9e000)

If you are anything like us, you’ve thought a lot about how much the two of you have in common before he even arrives to pick you up. And you’ve named the children before he says hello. This type of seemingly innocuous daydreaming before the date is dangerous, possibly the worst thing you can do short of professing love to him during dessert. This kind of fantasising leads to unfulfilled longing and to unrealistic expectations of romance and passion that makes you prone to say foolish things like, ‘I have two tickets to a concert,’ after the first date. (Yes, you can reciprocate but much later – see Rule 4 (#ulink_7670d146-9484-5c9a-93e3-4e4c6ae2eb9b)).

If at all possible, don’t think of him before he arrives – it isn’t necessary for the first three dates. Be busy right up until the minute he buzzes you from downstairs. Don’t have him come up to your flat on the first date. Preferably, meet him downstairs or at a restaurant. (Rules girl play it safe.) On these three dates, don’t tell him all about your day as if you’ve known each other for years, thinking that it will bring you closer. Don’t be too serious, controlling or wifey. Don’t mention the M word, not even to mention that your brother recently got married.

Remember that you are a creature unlike any other, a beautiful woman, inside and out. So don’t feel that you have to fit in a love seminar or last-minute therapy session to be in good form. You should feel no pressure whatsoever.

In fact, all you really have to do on the first three dates is show up, relax, pretend you’re an actress making a cameo appearance in a movie. Reread Rule 1: Be a ‘Creature Unlike Any Other’. Be sweet and light. Laugh at his jokes, but don’t try too hard. Smile a lot, and don’t feel obligated to fill up the lulls in the conversation. In general, let him do all the work – pick you up, pick the restaurant, open the door, and pull out the chair. Act nonchalantly at all times, as if you’re always on dates and it’s nothing out of the ordinary (even if you haven’t had a date in years). If you have to think about something, think about your date with another man that week. You should always try to date other people so that you never get hung up on one man at any time.

End the date first (see Rule 12 (#litres_trial_promo)), especially if you like him. Glance at your watch after two hours (for a drink date) or three or four hours (for a dinner date), simply sigh, and say, ‘Well, this was really great, but I’ve got a really big day tomorrow.’ Don’t say what it is you’re doing tomorrow. At the end of the first date, you can accept a light peck on the cheek or lips even though you’re dying to do more.

Don’t invite him up to your place at the end of the first date. After all, he’s still a stranger at this point. He should only see the outside of your house. This is both for safety and The Rules. By not letting him into your flat or agreeing to go to his, you drastically reduce your chances of any sort of problem occurring. If you meet someone at a bar or party, the same rule applies. Don’t get into his car for any reason (or you might end up in his boot!). Don’t invite him to go to your flat or go to his that night. It’s a crazy world out there. Play it safe!

On the second date, use your judgement. If you feel comfortable with this man, he can pick you up at your flat and you can invite him up for a drink at the end of the night. But when in doubt, meet him downstairs in the hall and say goodnight there as well. Rules girls don’t take chances!

We know we’re asking you to go against your feelings here, but you want to get married, don’t you? Anyone can get a one-night stand. In summary, the first three dates should be like ‘being and nothingness’. Dress nice, be nice, good-bye and go home. Not too much feeling, investment or heart. You’re probably wondering how long you can keep up this act, right? Don’t worry, it gets easier!

Rule 11 How to Act on Dates 4 Through Commitment Time (#ulink_67cbd978-d23d-579d-b828-a9cef2b449fb)

On the first three dates, you showed up and acted sweet. On the fourth date, you can show more of yourself. You can talk about your feelings, as long as you don’t get too heavy, or play therapist or mother. Exhibit warmth, charm and heart. If his dog died or his football team lost, express sympathy. Look into his eyes, be attentive and a good listener so that he knows you are a caring human being – a person who would make a supportive wife. Still, don’t mention words like marriage, wedding, kids, or the future. Those are subjects for him to bring up. He must take the lead. Talk about something outside your relationship, like your favourite sport, TV show, a great movie, the novel you just finished, an interesting article from the Spectator or a good museum exhibition you just saw. You get the idea!

Don’t tell him what your astrologist, nutritionist, personal trainer, shrink or yoga instructor think about your relationship with him.

Don’t tell him what a mess you were before you met him.

Don’t tell him he’s the first man to treat you with respect. He’ll think you’re a loser or a tramp.