The Complete Book of Rules: Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right

Here’s a good example of how to handle such a situation: Our friend Laura waited two and a half weeks after her first date with David to hear from him. David was newly divorced and needed time to think before jumping into another relationship. A Rules girl, Laura gave him time and space. Unlike most women, she didn’t call to ‘see how he was doing’ or with some other excuse like, ‘Didn’t you say you needed the name of my financial planner?’ Sure, Laura was hurt, but she made plans with friends and went on blind dates. She had a pragmatic attitude. She knew that if he liked her, he’d eventually call; if he didn’t, it was his loss! Next! When David finally called, she was nice and friendly. She didn’t demand to know why he didn’t call sooner and want to talk about it. They dated for ten months and are married now.

One last thought about the phone: sometimes we want to call a man we are dating not to speak to him, but just to hear his voice. We feel that we are simply going to die if we don ‘t hear his sexy voice this minute! That’s understandable. We suggest you call his home answering machine when he’s at work. Hang up before the beep. It really works!

Rule 6 Always End Phone Calls First (#ulink_7358f433-7b49-50c3-8c4a-f30a0599dc24)

Don’t call men (see Rule 5 (#ulink_96881e0e-53e4-50d2-bfa6-d838e2f6a83d)), except occasionally to return their calls. When a man calls you, don’t stay on the phone for more than ten minutes. Buy a timer if you have to. When the bell rings, you have to go! That way you seem busy and you won’t give away too much about yourself or your plans (even if you don’t have any plans). By ending the conversation first, you leave them wanting more. Good conversation enders are: ‘I have a million things to do,’ ‘Well, it’s been really nice talking to you,’ ‘Actually, I’m kind of busy right now,’ and ‘My beeper’s beeping, got to run!’ Remember to say these things in a very nice way.

Women love to talk. And one of their biggest faults is talking to men as if they were their girlfriends, therapists or next-door neighbours. Remember, early on in a relationship, the man is the adversary (if he’s someone you really like). He has the power to hurt you by never calling again, by treating you badly or by being around but indifferent. While it’s also true that you can reject him, the fact is that it’s the man who notices you, asks you out and ultimately proposes marriage. He runs the show. The best way to protect yourself from pain is to not get emotionally involved too quickly.

So don’t stay on the phone for an hour or two recounting your feelings or every incident of the day. You’ll become transparent very quickly and run the risk of making him tired or bored. He does not want to date his crazy younger sister, his chatterbox mother or his gossipy next-door neighbour. He wants to talk to a girl who’s friendly, light and breezy. By getting off the phone first, you don’t have to wonder if you’ve kept him on too long, bored him or revealed too much about yourself. Because it can be very difficult to monitor the amount of time you spend on the phone when you are ‘in like’ or in love, we again suggest using a timer or stopwatch. When the bell rings, you sweetly say, ‘I really have to go now.’ A timer is objective; you are not.

It doesn’t matter if you’re having a great conversation and you want to tell him all about what happened to you between the ages of five and six that shaped your life. When the bell rings, the conversation is over. Remember, you always want to be mysterious. Having to get off the phone first creates a certain amount of mystery in his mind. He’ll wonder why you have to go so soon, what you’re doing, and if you’re dating someone else. It’s good for him to wonder about you. The Rules (and a timer) will make him wonder about you a lot.

You may think that men will find your abruptly ending a phone call rude and won’t call again. On the contrary, just the opposite often happens simply because men are irrational when it comes to love. For example, our friend Janet set her timer to four minutes one evening. ‘Got to go,’ she said at the sound of the bell. Five minutes later he called back to insist that they start seeing each other twice a week instead of once a week. The four-minute call worked like a charm, bringing him closer to her, not (as you would expect) farther away.

If you’re a genuinely nice person, you will probably feel cruel when you do The Rules. You may think you are making men suffer, but in reality you are actually doing them a favour. By doing The Rules, you make men want to spend more time with you on the phone and in person. They get to experience longing! Tell yourself you are doing them a favour when you feel heartless about doing The Rules!

Another tip for driving a man to madness is to turn off your answering machine on a Sunday afternoon and see if he doesn’t go crazy trying to pin you down. When Cindy tried this tactic, her boyfriend ended up calling so many times that day that he activated her answering machine. (Some machines will automatically turn on after fourteen rings. Can you imagine him letting it ring fourteen times?!) When he finally got her on the phone that night, he possessively asked, ‘Where have you been? I wanted to take you for a drive in the country.’ It’s good when men get upset; it means they care about you. If they’re not angry, they’re indifferent, and if they’re indifferent, they’ve got one foot out the door. Getting off the phone after a few minutes is not easy, but it works.

Our friend Kate felt that she was ‘losing’ Jeff, her boyfriend of three months, when after a Saturday night date he said good-bye very casually and told her, ‘I’ll call you. I’ll let you know what’s a good night for me next week’. Kate felt the tables turning and took an extreme but necessary Rules action. She didn’t answer her phone the night he usually called. She just listened to it ring and ring. When he finally reached her the next day at work, he was a little less cocky and somewhat nervous. He asked her what night would be good for her! The phone strategy worked – he never pulled another stunt like that again.

Here’s another phone tip: if you’re home on a Friday night because you’re tired or don’t have a date, leave the answering machine on or have your mum or roommate say you’re not home. That way, if by some chance he calls you on a Friday night because he’s not doing anything either, he’ll think you’re not home. The worst thing you can do is give him the impression that you aren’t busy and sought after by other men. Don’t let him think that you ‘re a couch potato, even if you are. Don’t think playing games is bad. Sometimes game playing is good. Men like to think that they are getting a catch. Show him that you have a full life, that you are independent.

On any other night when he calls and you pick up the phone, don’t feel you have to tell him exactly what you are doing. After a few minutes, just say you’re busy (nicely) and can’t talk anymore. You won’t be lying because sometimes you are busy – doing the laundry; just don’t tell him you’re doing the laundry. Never let him think, even if it’s true, that you are home thinking about him and making the wedding guest list. Men love the seemingly unattainable girl!

Lest you think this advice is old-fashioned, remind yourself that you are a very fulfilled person – stable, functional and happy – with a career, friends and hobbies, and that you are perfectly capable of living with or without him. You are not an empty vessel waiting for him to fill you up, support you or give you a life. You are alive and enthusiastic, engaged in work and in living fully on your own. Men like women who are their own person, not needy leeches waiting to be rescued. The Rules are not about being rescued!

In fact, the biggest mistake a woman can make when she meets a man she wants to marry is to make him the centre of her life. She may jeopardize her job by daydreaming at her desk about Prince Charming, rather than rolling up her sleeves and working. All she thinks about and talks about is him. She bores her girlfriends to death with details about every date. She is constantly looking for ties to buy him or clipping newspaper articles that he would find interesting. Not only is such behaviour unhealthy, but also it’s the surest way to lose him.

First of all, he may be overwhelmed by all the attention. Second, he may never propose. And third, he may never rescue you emotionally and financially in the way you think. Even if he marries you, he may always have that night out with the boys, his hobbies or that Sunday morning basketball game. And he may want a working wife. So better get used to the idea now that you must have a life of your own – a job, interests, hobbies, friends that you can fill up on in between dates and even when you are married. The worst thing you can do when dating is to expect him to be your entertainment director. Don’t call him just because you’re bored or want attention. Be happy and busy. He should always be catching you coming or going.

We hear again and again about women whose worlds shrink when they meet Mr Right. When you meet Mr Right is precisely the time to take up tennis, get an MBA or go on that camping trip with your friends.

Rule 7 If He Doesn’t Call, He’s Not That Interested. Period! (#ulink_f34a5db7-b5bf-5bb4-912c-ac4809ff3fab)

We know this is hard to accept. We’ve heard it all – every rationalization imaginable used to avoid having to confront this unpleasant truth: he said he was going to call at the end of the last date, but didn’t. Now you’re sure it’s because you didn’t smile or talk enough, or you talked too much. You didn’t thank him for dinner. You ordered the most expensive dish and now he thinks you’re after his money.

Or he hasn’t called because he’s busy, or he’s going through something with his father or ex-wife. Business is rough and that’s why he hasn’t called.

He thought you didn’t have a good time on the last date, so he didn’t call.

He hasn’t called because he lost your number.

We can come up with 100 reasons why a man didn’t call. But the bottom line is, if he hasn’t called, he’s not that interested.

We’re not saying he doesn’t like you or that you didn’t have a great date or that you’re not on his mind sometimes, but if he hasn’t actually dialled your number, how interested can he be?

If you have to call him to remind him you exist, something is wrong. Then, if you pursue him and he ever marries you, you’ll have to remind him it’s your birthday or your wedding anniversary or call him at work to get his attention. You might have to initiate sex and holidays. You’ll always have to be the one to call the travel agent because he may think about holidays, but he never gets around to calling. Things are the way they are! This is not the kind of relationship a Rules girl wants to get involved in.

So don’t waste time analysing what you may have done to discourage him from calling. Let it go. No matter what the reason, if he doesn’t call, it’s next!

Rule 8 Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date After Wednesday (#ulink_b9020b14-6d17-5370-a91d-91b2ff4003d5)

It’s quite common these days for men to ask women out for the same night or the very next day. And it’s equally common for women to accept such casual, last-minute invitations out of fear that it will be the best offer they get that week. But this is not a Rules date. The man who eventually wants to marry you will not wait until the last minute to ask you out. On the contrary, he is kind, considerate, thoughtful and also afraid that if he doesn’t pin you down five days in advance, he may not see you for another week. And when he is in love with you, a week will feel like eternity!

Needless to say, men don’t always know they shouldn’t be calling you on Thursday or Friday night for a Saturday night date. Other women have spoiled them by accepting last-minute offers. As we’ve stated, ideally he should ask you out at the end of your last date or call you as early as Monday or Tuesday for the next Saturday night. The Rules will make you foremost on his mind, the first thing he thinks about in the morning. And if you are always on his mind, he won’t want to wait until Thursday to call you.

It may be a telltale sign of how a man feels about you if he doesn’t call you early in the week. The best way to encourage him to phone sooner is to turn him down when he calls on Thursday for Saturday night. Hopefully, he will get the hint. This is not a game. It is essential that men ask you out early in the week because, as a Rules woman, you simply can’t put your life on hold until Thursday or Friday! You have friends and lots of things to do. You need to know ahead of time if you’re going to have a date Saturday night or go to the movies with the girls. When men are calling you as late as Thursday, you become a nervous wreck. You’re frenetically checking your answering machine, or if you live at home, you’re constantly asking your mother if he called. Basically, you’re living on the edge. Rules girls don’t live on the edge. They have plans.

If he hasn’t called by Wednesday night, make other plans for the weekend. Then you must politely decline if he calls Thursday and nonchalantly asks, ‘Hey, pet, what are you doing Saturday night?’

Practise the following answer in the nicest voice possible: ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, but I’ve already made plans.’ Don’t break down and go out with him even though you’d much rather do that than hang out with the girls or go out with another man you don’t like as much. And don’t counteroffer by saying, ‘But I’m free Monday.’ Men have to ask you out without your help. But don’t reprimand him for calling so late in the week. Be very nice, but very firm when you say no. Also, don’t say what your plans are because it doesn’t matter. What matters is the message you’re sending, which is: If you want to get a Saturday night date with me, you must call on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.

Now you may be saying to yourself, ‘This is all so rigid, lots of men make plans when the mood strikes them, what’s wrong with spontaneity?’ These arguments sound convincing, but the reality is not so pleasant. When Ted first called our friend Beth on a Thursday night for a Saturday night date, she said yes right away. That set a bad precedent for him calling her at the last minute for future dates. Although they went out for a few months, he never thought that much about her during the week and she felt confused by the relationship because she was never sure if she was going to see him Saturday night.

Remember, The Rules are about the long haul. The way a man behaves – rather, the way you allow him to behave toward you – during your courtship is usually the way he will behave during your marriage. For example, if he’s last minute about dating you, he’ll be last minute and inattentive about you in other ways. That’s why last-minute dates are just unacceptable. Men who call ten minutes before they’re going to be in your area to see you may be terrific dates, but how busy and hard to get are you if they can see you in ten minutes? If you give in, these men will end up treating you like someone they can get in ten minutes.

But remember to be very nice when you say no. Don’t think negatively, ‘This man doesn’t think much of me to call right before he wants to see me.’ Or scream, ‘No, I’m busy,’ and slam down the phone. He isn’t thinking that at all. He isn’t thinking that he’s not treating you like a creature unlike any other. Give him a break. Rules girls are an unusual breed. As we’ve suggested, nicely say, ‘No, wow, I wish I wasn’t busy!’ Then sigh and get off the phone. He will soon realize that you simply want to be asked in advance for a date. Again, men are not trying to hurt you when they call at the last minute. Don’t be offended, just train them to call earlier without actually demanding it of them.

Spontaneity is not ‘Hi. Want to see a movie this afternoon?’ That call might have come out of boredom or the fact that the woman he really wants to be with is busy. He didn’t call you in advance, dream about you for a week, and get all excited about putting his arm around your shoulders during the movie. He didn’t think of your date together as something precious that must be scheduled in advance like a reservation at a very exclusive restaurant. Spontaneity is fine, but it should happen during the date, such as an unexpected drive to the beach after dinner.

We often hear about ‘spontaneous’ women who go out with men on twenty-four hours’ notice. We wish them luck. When a man knows he can have you five minutes after his last girlfriend gave him the boot, he’ll call you because he’s lonely or bored, not because he’s crazy about you. In such cases, buyer beware: it won’t last. Free spirits might object to what we are saying, but for long-lasting results we believe in treating dating like a job, with rules and regulations. Just like you have to work from nine to five, no matter how you feel, we believe you have to silently train men to make plans with you (elusive, busy, happy you!) ahead of time. When you do The Rules, what you’re really doing is giving men the secret, silent code that they understand very well. If you make it too easy for men, they’re certain to take advantage and then you can forget about getting a Rules marriage.

We realize that the days in between dates with the man you are crazy about can be long and excruciating; but, remember, it’s worse to say yes indiscriminately whenever he wants to see you and risk him getting bored. If you play your cards right, he will reach the conclusion that the only way to see you whenever he wants, at the last minute, is to marry you!

Rule 9 Fill Up Your Time Before the Date (#ulink_95488748-d0c2-58ae-bfac-3c97f873dc3f)

Most women go on dates with a lot of expectations. They want the man to find them beautiful, to ask them out again and to father their children. Needless to say, these women are usually disappointed. That’s why we have found it very helpful – in fact, essential – to be booked up as much as possible before the date. It’s best to be busy right up until the doorbell rings so that you’re slightly breathless and brimming with energy when you finally see him.

Here are some suggestions for what to do on the day of the date:

1 To relieve anxiety, go to the gym, get a manicure or take a long hot bubble bath.

2 Buy a new shirt or a bottle of perfume. Get a makeover. Treat yourself.

3 Take a nap. If you’re the type who gets drowsy at 10 p.m., a good nap will keep you going.

4 Go to the movies (see a comedy, not a romance, so love isn’t too much on your mind), read the newspaper or a book to fill your head with something other than how your first name sounds with his last name. If you’re busy all day, you won’t be so needy and empty when he picks you up.

Here’s what not to do:

1 Don’t talk to your girlfriends all day long about the date, about how his astrological sign and yours go together, about how you know he’s ‘The One’, or about relationships in general. You really shouldn’t be thinking about the date at all.

2 Don’t see your mother, grandmother, or anyone who absolutely can’t wait for you to get married and have children. Being around them might make you reek of desperation on the date. You might inadvertently mention the M word (marriage) and scare him away.

3 Don’t write your name and his in all different combinations, such as:

Susan Johnson