The Complete Book of Rules: Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right

It’s that simple. You do The Rules and trust that one day a prince will notice that you’re different from all other women he’s known, and ask for your hand!

Rule 2 Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance) (#ulink_a0e4cec4-8bf8-5571-868e-78b28a3396f2)

Never? Not even ‘Let’s have coffee’ or ‘Do you come here often?’ Right, not even these seemingly harmless openers. Otherwise, how will you know if he spotted you first, was smitten by you and had to have you, or is just being polite?

We know what you’re thinking. We know how extreme such a rule must sound, not to mention snobbish, silly and painful; but taken in the context of The Rules, it makes perfect sense. After all, the premise of The Rules is that we never make anything happen, that we trust in the natural order of things namely, that man pursues woman.

By talking to a man first, we interfere with whatever was supposed to happen or not happen, perhaps causing a conversation or a date to occur that was never meant to be and inevitably getting hurt in the process. Eventually, he’ll talk to the girl he really wants and drop you.

Yet, we manage to rationalize this behaviour by telling ourselves, ‘He’s shy’ or ‘I’m just being friendly.’ Are men really shy? We might as well tackle this question right now. Perhaps a therapist would say so, but we believe that most men are not shy, just not really, really interested if they don’t approach you. It’s hard to accept that, we know. It’s also hard waiting for the right one – the one who talks to you first, calls and basically does most of the work in the beginning of the relationship because he must have you.

It’s easy to rationalize women’s aggressive behaviour in this day and age. Unlike years ago when women met men at dances and ‘coming out’ parties and simply waited for one to pick them out of the crowd and start a conversation, today many women are accountants, doctors, lawyers, dentists and in management positions. They work with men, for men, and men work for them. Men are their patients and their clients. How can a woman not talk to a man first?

The Rules answer is to treat men you are interested in like any other client or patient or co-worker, as hard as that might be. Let’s face it, when a woman meets a man she really likes, a light bulb goes on in her head and she sometimes, without realizing it, relaxes, laughs and spends more time with him than is necessary. She may suggest lunch to discuss something that could be discussed over the phone because she is hoping to ignite some romance. This is a common ploy. Some of the smartest women try to make things happen under the guise of business. They think they are too educated or talented to be passive, play games or do The Rules. They feel their diplomas and salaries entitle them to do more in life than wait for the phone to ring. These women, we assure you, always end up heartbroken when their forwardness is rebuffed. But why shouldn’t it be? Men know what they want. No one has to ask them to lunch.

So, the short of it is that if you meet men professionally, you still have to do The Rules. You must wait until he brings up lunch or anything else beyond business. As we explain in Rule 22, the man must take the lead. Even if you are making the same amount of money as a man you are interested in, he must bring up lunch. If you refuse to accept that men and women are different romantically, even though they may be equal professionally, you will behave like men – talk to them first, ask for their phone number, invite them to discuss the case over dinner at your place – and drive them away. Such forwardness is very risky; sometimes we have seen it work, most of the time it doesn’t, and it always puts the woman through hell emotionally. By not accepting the concept that the man must pursue the woman, women put themselves in jeopardy of being rejected or ignored, if not at the moment, then at some point in the future. We hope you never have to endure the following torture:

Our dentist friend Pam initiated a friendship with Robert when they met in dental school several years ago by asking him out to lunch. She spoke to him first. Although they later became lovers and even lived together, he never seemed really ‘in love’ with her and her insecurity about the relationship never went away. Why would it? She spoke to him first. He recently broke up with her over something trivial. The truth is he never loved her. Had Pam followed The Rules, she would never have spoken to Robert or initiated anything in the first place. Had she followed The Rules, she might have met someone else who truly wanted her. She would not have wasted time. Rules girls don’t waste time.

Here’s another example of a smart woman who broke The Rules: Claudia, a confident Wall Street broker, spotted her future husband on the dance floor of a popular disco and planted herself next to him for a good five minutes. When he failed to make the first move, she told herself that he was probably shy or had two left feet and asked him to dance. The relationship has been filled with problems. She often complains that he’s as ‘shy’ in the bedroom as he was that night on the dance floor.

A word about dances. It’s become quite popular these days for women to ask men to dance. Lest there is any doubt in your mind, this behaviour is totally against The Rules. If a man doesn’t bother to walk across the room to seek you out and ask you to dance, then he’s obviously not interested and asking him to dance won’t change his feelings or rather his lack of feelings for you. He’ll probably be flattered that you asked and dance with you just to be polite and he might even want to have sex with you that night, but he won’t be crazy about you. Either he didn’t notice you or you made it too easy. He never got the chance to pursue you and this fact will always permeate the relationship even if he does ask you out.

We know what you’re thinking: what am I supposed to do all night if no one asks me to dance? Unfortunately, the answer is to go to the bathroom five times if you have to, reapply your lipstick, powder your nose, order more water from the bar, think happy thoughts, walk around the room in circles until someone notices you, make phone calls from the lobby to your married friends for encouragement – in short, anything but ask a man to dance. Don’t even stand next to someone you like, hoping he’ll ask you, as many women do. You have to wait for someone to notice you. You might have to go home without having met anyone you liked or even danced one dance. But tell yourself that at least you got to practise The Rules and there’s always another dance. You walk out with a sense of accomplishment that at least you didn’t break The Rules!

If this sounds boring, remember the alternative is worse. Our good friend Sally got so resentful of having to dance with all the ‘losers’ at a particular party that she finally decided to defy The Rules she knew only too well and asked the best-looking man in the room to dance. Not only was he flattered, but they danced for hours and he asked her out for the next three nights. ‘Maybe there are exceptions to The Rules,’ she thought triumphantly. She found out otherwise, of course. It seems Mr Right was in town for just a few days on business and already had a girlfriend. No wonder he hadn’t asked anyone to dance that night. He probably just went to the party to have fun, not to find his future wife. The moral of the story: don’t figure out why someone hasn’t asked you to dance – there’s always a good reason.

Unfortunately, more women than men go to dances to meet ‘The One’. Their eagerness and anxiety get the best of them and they end up talking to men first or asking them to dance. So you must condition yourself not to expect anything from a dance. View it simply as an excuse to put on high heels, apply a new shade of blush and be around a lot of people. Chances are someone of the opposite sex will start to talk to you at some point in the evening. If and when he does, and you’re not having such a great time, don’t show it. For example, don’t be clever or cynical and say, ‘I would have been better off staying home and watching Friends.’ Men aren’t interested in women who are witty in a negative way. If someone asks if you’re having a good time, simply say yes and smile.

If you find all of this much too hard to do, then don’t go to the dance. Stay home, do sit-ups, watch Friends and reread The Rules. It’s better to stay home and read The Rules than go out and break them.

Rule 3 Don’t Stare at Men or Talk Too Much (#ulink_7b5bfbf4-9adb-5d0c-bc7c-a3041b8adfe5)

Looking at someone first is a dead give-away of interest. Let him look at you! If he doesn’t notice you first, he’s probably not interested. Keep walking, someone else will notice you.

Did you know that there are workshops designed to teach women how to make eye contact with men they find attractive? Save your money. It is never necessary to make eye contact. What about letting men know you’re receptive? We suggest simply smiling at the room (or the universe, if you will) and looking relaxed and approachable. That’s how to acknowledge a man’s attention, not by staring at him. Don’t look anxiously around for ‘The One’. That is certain to make anyone look the other way. There is nothing attractive about anxiety.

On the first date, avoid staring romantically into his eyes. Otherwise, he will know that you’re planning the honeymoon. Instead, look down at the table or your food, or simply survey the crowd at the restaurant. It’s best to seem generally interested in life, in others, in your surroundings, in the paintings on the wall, as opposed to this live prey. He will feel crowded and self-conscious if you gaze at him too much. Restrain yourself. Let him spend the evening trying to get your attention.

One of the hardest aspects of dating is figuring out what to say. Do you talk about the weather or politics? Should you be intellectual or girlish? If you’re smart, you’ll stay cool and just listen to what he says. Follow his lead. If he wants to talk about dance clubs, tell him which one’s you’ve been to and which ones you like. We’re not suggesting that you be an airhead. On the contrary! It’s just that you’re easy to be with. When appropriate, show him that you keep up with current events and have interests.

Early dating is not the time to tell him about your job problems. In general, don’t be too heavy. But don’t be funny if he’s serious. Just go with the flow.

Needless to say, there will be moments on a date when neither of you has anything to say. Don’t feel the need to fill in these silences. You’ll end up saying something stupid and forced. Sometimes men just want to drive in silence without saying a word. Let them. Maybe he’s thinking about how he’s going to propose to you one day. Don’t ruin his concentration.

Don’t feel you have to be entertaining or have interesting conversation all the time. He will think you are trying too hard. Just be there! Remember, men fall in love with your essence, not with anything in particular you say.

If anything, men should be the ones scrambling their brains to come up with clever lines, asking you a lot of questions, and wondering whether or not they’re keeping you interested. Besides, most men find chatty women annoying. We know one man who stopped calling a woman he was physically attracted to because she simply didn’t stop talking. Don’t be like that. As a woman, you probably like to talk, especially about the relationship, but you must hold your tongue. Wait until the date is over and then you can call ten girlfriends and analyse the date for hours.

On the date itself, be quiet and reserved. He’ll wonder what you’re thinking, if you like him, and if he’s making a good impression. He’ll think you’re interesting and mysterious, unlike many of the women he’s dated. Don’t you want him to think about you like that?

Rule 4 Don’t Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date (#ulink_75d0fd98-ddc3-5070-9ed4-ba3e22e1dc4c)

Men love a challenge – that’s why they play sports, fight wars and raid corporations. The worst thing you can do is make it easy for them. When a man is trying to set up a date to meet you, don’t say, ‘Actually, I’m going to be in your area anyway’; don’t offer the names of restaurants between your place and his, unless he asks. Don’t say much at all. Let him do all the thinking, the talking, let him flip through the Yellow Pages or magazine listings and call a couple of friends for suggestions to come up with a place convenient for you. Men really feel good when they work hard to see you. Don’t take that away from them.

The Rule is that men are supposed to rearrange their schedules around you, pursue you, take cabs and trains to see you. For example, on their second date, Charles drove forty miles out of his way to see Michele because she was spending the weekend at her mother’s. Most girls would have left their mums in the lurch so that their date wouldn’t have to be inconvenienced. But Michele was schooled in The Rules and knew the right thing to do. The extra miles only made Charles more determined to see her.

Friends and colleagues meet halfway. Men (real men) pick up women at their homes or offices for dates. Always make the place convenient for you. We don’t care where you live.

Invariably, we find that men who insist that their dates meet them halfway or (worse) on their own turf, turn out to be turds – inconsiderate, uncompromising and even miserly. Jane recalls that after cabbing across town to meet Steve (a blind date) at his favourite brunch place, he suggested they split the bill.

Jane, a truly nice person, agreed that it was only fair to pay her share. After all, she made a considerable amount of money as a lawyer and felt it would be ‘unfair’ for Steve to ‘absorb’ the entire cost of the date. Why should he have to pick up the whole tab? That was very nice of Jane, but we assure you that had she insisted that they meet at a place near her, perhaps just for a drink (especially if she didn’t feel right spending his money), Steve would have treated her like a princess, not a co-worker. But since Jane made everything so easy for him, he didn’t treat her well, lost interest, and eventually stopped calling.

It’s not that women aren’t capable of taking public transport and paying for themselves. It’s just chivalrous, hence The Rules, for men to pick up their dates and pick up the bills. Equality and Dutch treat are fine in the workplace, but not in the romantic playing field. Love is easy when the man pursues the woman and pays for the woman most of the time. He feels that the money he spends on the food, the movie and the cabs is the price of being with you and it’s worth every penny. You should feel honoured, happy, not guilty.

But if part of you feels uncomfortable about him paying for everything, offer to leave a tip or, if the night is a long one – say dinner, a show and three cab rides or parking pay for something small along the way. But don’t pay for anything on the first three dates. Later on, you can reciprocate in your own way: cook him dinner at your place or buy him a baseball cap. If he’s on a tight budget or is a student and you’re worried about him spending tuition money, still don’t split the bill. Instead, suggest inexpensive places to eat and have a hamburger. Don’t order appetisers or more than one drink. There’s always pizza or Chinese food. Suggest movies, museums and cheap outdoor concerts.

It’s nice of you to care about his finances, but remember that he is deriving great pleasure from taking you out. Why deprive him of the joy of feeling chivalrous? Actually, the best way you can repay him is by being appreciative. Say thank you and please. Don’t criticize the place or the food or the service, even if they are plain awful. Be positive. Look for the good in everything. We know one man who became even more enamoured of a girl on their second date because she didn’t complain one word when he couldn’t remember where he parked at a football game. For the whole hour during which they pounded the pavement looking for his car, he kept thinking, ‘What a great girl!’

Many things can go wrong on a date, especially when a guy is so eager to impress you that he ends up making more mistakes – locking his keys in the car, forgetting the theatre tickets and so on. Never use these blunders to make him feel bad. Instead, see all the effort and expense he is putting into the date. Being a good sport could make the difference between being just another date and his future wife.

Rule 5 Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls (#ulink_5bb163d2-8b98-5ef3-9f5d-48dbc03afa38)

If you are following The Rules religiously, there is no reason to call him. He should be calling you, and calling you again and again until he pins you down for a date.

To call men is to pursue them, which is totally against The Rules. They will immediately know that you like them and possibly lose interest! Another reason not to call men is so you don’t catch them in the middle of something watching a football game, paying bills, entertaining a friend or even sleeping – when they may not be in the mood to talk to you. Why take a chance?

Invariably, when you call him, he will get off the phone first or quickly and you might misinterpret his busyness as disinterest. You may even think that he’s with another woman! Understandably, you feel empty and nervous for the rest of the day or evening or until you hear from him again. This nervousness might make you call him again to ask, ‘Is everything okay?’ or ‘Do you still love me? Miss me?’ And, you end up breaking more rules!

So, if you don’t want a man to know how much you like him, or that you feel empty and insecure, don’t call him. If he leaves a message on your machine to return his call, try not to. Only call him back right away if it’s a scheduling change regarding an upcoming date or event, not just to chat.

Not calling will leave him desiring you more, make him want to see you again and call you again. It prevents him from getting to know all about you much too quickly and getting bored. Besides, when you call only once in a while, it becomes special.

Don’t worry about seeming rude. When he loves you or wants to get in touch with you badly, he won’t think you’re rude, just busy or hard to get – and men always call again.

Have you ever noticed that the conversation is always better when men call you? That’s because when they call you, they’re doing the dialling, they want you, miss you at that moment and can’t wait to hear your voice. When they call you, they’re the aggressor, they’ve thought about what they’re going to say and have made the time to say it. They’re available!

The Rules work for you when they call you because you may not be home and they’ll wonder where you are or have to call again. When they call you, you might be busy and have to nicely cut the conversation short. It will be easier to do Rule 6: Always End Phone Calls First, when you let them call you.

But none of us are saints, and the reality is that we sometimes have to call men back. Not call them, mind you, just call them back. If, for whatever reason, you have to return a man’s calls, try to wait. Don’t call right back. When you do, keep the conversation short and sweet. Don’t tell his machine what time and what nights you can be reached or volunteer any additional information about how he can reach you. That would be making it too easy for him and you will appear too eager. Let him figure it out! Remember, you’re a Rules girl and you’re very busy! A Rules girl typically comes home to many messages on her answering machine from men trying to fill up her weekends.

Now what if he leaves a message on your machine on Tuesday night and you’re dying to get a Saturday night date out of him? Do you call back Tuesday night? The Rules answer is no because it will seem obvious that you are probably calling to get a Saturday night date. Better that he call you again by Wednesday night (the absolute cut-off) for a Saturday night date. Better not to have a date on Saturday night than to get in the habit of calling him. The Rules are not about getting a date, but a husband. Don’t win the battle and lose the war.

Remember, The Rules are also about not getting hurt or dumped. We never want you to go through unnecessary pain. Life has enough pain without our adding man pain to it. We can’t control cancer or drunk drivers, but we can restrain ourselves from dialling his number. If you call him and he doesn’t return your call or doesn’t ask you out, you’ll be crushed. If you call him, he’ll think you’re not so elusive and he won’t have to work so hard. If you call him, he won’t get trained to ask you out at the end of each date. He has to learn that if he doesn’t ask you out when he sees you, he might not reach you on the phone so soon and not see you for a week or two. It’s not that you’re impossible to get, you’re just hard to get. Remember, you’re very busy with activities and other dates and you make plans ahead of time. But don’t reprimand him for not calling sooner by saying, ‘If you had called earlier …’ Just say, ‘Really, I’d love to, but I can’t’. (He’ll figure out he has to call sooner).

If he’s in love with you, he’ll start calling Monday or Tuesday for Saturday night. If he doesn’t love you, then he won’t call you again and again until he pins you down.

However, don’t be surprised if a man takes a week or two after the first date to call. He may have a lot of things going on or he may be dating other women. He may be trying to fit you into his schedule but just isn’t sure how to do it. Remember, he had a life before he met you! Don’t flip out! Just get busy (so you don’t think about him twenty-four hours a day). Give him space, wait for him to call.