The Positive Woman

6. You are glancing through the job advertisements in the paper:

a) You notice all sorts of interesting positions which start you thinking about possibilities.

b) You think that the situation is much the same as it ever was; you’re better off staying where you are.

c) You think that there is no point in applying because the job’s either bound to be ‘spoken for’ or you wouldn’t stand a chance against all those people who are better qualified/more pushy/older/younger/ prettier.

7. You unexpectedly catch sight of yourself in a shop window:

a) You are pleased and satisfied with the image you see.

b) You think (yet again), ‘I must do something about my hair and get around to buying a new coat – and learn to stick to my diet …’

c) You quickly avert your eyes, wishing you hadn’t seen what was reflected there.

8. You are on your way to collect the morning’s post:

a) You wonder who will have replied to your letters or if there will be any surprises.

b) You doubt there’ll be anything in the pile for you.

c) You warn yourself that it’s bound to be all junk mail and bills.

9. It’s your birthday next week:

a) You can’t believe you’re that age because you feel so much younger – you wonder how you can best celebrate it.

b) You don’t really want a fuss made of it, perhaps because you are too busy or would prefer to forget time passing.

c) You know that you are likely to get presents that you don’t want and receive cards from people that are only ‘doing their duty’ by you – the only good thing is it’s an excuse for ‘getting plastered’.

10. You are given short change in a shop; you complain and the assistant apologizes profusely:

a) You accept the apology, thinking it was most likely to have been a mistake, but will remember to count your change carefully in future.

b) You feel very sorry for the assistant; you seem to have upset her so much that you wished you hadn’t bothered, and anyway what will people think of you, making a fuss over small change.

c) You accept the apology very reluctantly, inwardly convinced that it was no accident because they are all ‘at it’ these days’ …

11. You hear there are plans to build a road through the children’s park and the local sports centre:

a) You decide to find out more about the plans and join or start an action group to ensure the residents’ rights are protected.

b) You are upset but suppose they must have looked at all the alternatives and just hope that someone makes sure they replace the facilities.

c) You have a good moan about how planners are all the same – either thick or easily bribed. You know there’s certainly no point in trying to fight ‘that lot’ and the politicians are only out for the votes anyway!

High scores in category:

‘a’ indicates a positive, flexible and energetic outlook. You enjoy life, and value both yourself and your time. You like challenge and are ready and willing to look at ways of changing your life. You know how to reward yourself and have fun. You see the world as full of interesting possibilities and are able to enjoy meeting and relating to different kinds of people.

‘b’ indicates that you are in a lethargic, bored frame of mind and run the risk of slipping into negativity. Your life is probably stuck in a safe, even peaceful, rut but there is a danger that you will one day realize that life is passing you by! You are too eager to please and probably the kind of person whom everyone likes but few would get passionate about. You are in danger of ending up in the classic female martyr position – wondering why people are not grateful for all that you have done for them and why life has let you down.

‘c’ – You have become depressed and cynical. You have lost your energy and enthusiasm for life. You see people as potentially exploitative, and are no longer able to trust. You have probably lost contact with your emotions. You may have resigned yourself to spending a lifetime ‘getting by’, licking emotional wounds and experiencing physical debilitation. You are in danger of forgetting what it is like to feel positive about anything and may end up feeling very lonely, even when surrounded by a crowd of warm friendly people. If you continue in this mode there is very little chance that you will be able to look back on your life with pride and a sense of achievement. In fact, you are in desperate need of some positive reprogramming and have everything to gain from giving the course in this book top priority!

Chapter 3 Healing the hurt (#ulink_882ca9e7-b0d4-5f39-abc9-7b31dee375c2)

One must learn to care for oneself first, so that one can then dare care for someone else. That’s what it takes to make the caged bird sing.

Maya Angelou

Emotional wounds

Once you have begun to get a clearer idea of the kind of person you are and where you want to go, you are ready to start the exciting process of reprogramming the auto-pilot of your unconscious mind so that it can help, not hinder, you to take your life in the positive direction you wish it to go. But before you can confidently glide along in top gear you must do some more preparatory work.

Without exception, every negative thinking person with whom I have ever worked has been suffering internally from what I shall call ‘emotional wounds’. Whether these are new, acutely painful, bleeding hearts damaged by some recent trauma, or ancient festering sores generated by childhood distress, they usually need healing attention before the person can become truly motivated to adopt a more positive outlook.

So, if your self-analysis revealed a considerable amount of negativity, it is likely that you could do with treating yourself to a strong dose of loving nurturing. ‘But how do I do that?’ is a question that I hear many times. It is amazing how many women there are who are superbly skilled at nursing and caring for others but simply do not know how to turn these skills inwards towards themselves! No doubt you’ve heard people say, ‘You’ve got to forget the past and get on with your life.’ Perhaps you even tell yourself that daily! But, of course, it is easier said than done and you know only too well that you would if you could. You obviously don’t enjoy feeling and behaving in a negative way, otherwise, I assume, you wouldn’t be reading this book.

Most probably, along with other deprivations you may have experienced, you were never taught how to express sadness or anger efficiently and healthily. Perhaps you have been taught that you should:

– grin and bear it

– take the rough with the smooth

– remember that there is always someone worse off than yourself

– not cry over spilt milk

– let bygones be bygones

or perhaps you were not encouraged to express and share feelings of pleasure, excitement and pride. Were these the ‘messages’ you heard?

‘You should never count your chickens until they are hatched.’

‘If you laugh before breakfast, you’ll cry before supper.’

‘Little things please little minds.’

‘Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.’

Of course this kind of stoical, stiff-upper lip philosophy has its uses. In the short term it frees our energy to cope with the practical problems which most crises inevitably produce. It may have helped our parents and grandparents win wars and survive many dreadful tragedies, traumas and injustices which their rapidly changing and increasingly competitive world had no time to deal with effectively – and, of course, it helped our mothers and grandmothers swallow the bitter pills of the discrimination and oppression in their patriarchal world.

But what about the cost of using such survival strategies on a long-term basis to cope with the most minor day-to-day problems? We can see the answer all around us. This strategy has produced generations of women who are today weighed down with buried pain and the debilitating physical and emotional symptoms of stress, and many thousands of others who are merely kept afloat by their addiction to mood-lifting pills, alcoholic tipples, chocolate cakes or the fantasy tales of the soaps. Even women who have managed to find fulfilment and happiness can still harbour feelings of guilt, a sense of foreboding about the future and a cautiousness about tempting the hand of fate by simply being too happy and successful!

Modern research has now revealed that repressed feelings do not simply melt away – they are stored as emotional or physical tension, which can play havoc with our health and ability to live harmoniously and happily. But we can learn more effective ways of managing our feelings on a day-to-day basis and this is a subject we will be discussing in some depth in Chapter 5.

You can take an important preparatory step in that direction by confronting and dealing with that buried emotional tension which you are probably harbouring in body and mind right now.