Confessions of a Lapdancer

‘Oh yes, Miss Carson,’ she said. ‘Your business card was inside so we were going to call you later this morning anyway. And if you don’t mind me saying, I enjoyed your show last night.’

‘You saw me dance?’ I asked, blushing. ‘Well, thanks, I appreciate the compliment. I’ll be in later to collect the purse.’

How funny that a girl who worked at a lap-dancing club – who was possibly a dancer herself – thought I’d done a good job!

I allowed myself a few moments of metaphorical back-slapping before getting my brain in gear for the day ahead. This wasn’t any old day – this was Bonus Day.

Shit, I thought. I hope to God I get what I’ve budgeted for. If not, they’ll be repossessing my home and I’ll be shacking up at the stables.

That’s the problem with working for an investment bank. Last night I was flashing £50 notes around like they were pound coins. And three months ago, I was overextending myself on a mortgage on a riverside apartment that was dependent on one hell of a bonus. Not to mention the fact that Zeus was a total drain on my finances, even if I couldn’t bear to give him up. But, what the hell, I’d worked hard for it. And what’s life without some risk? Until last night, it had been so long since I’d taken one, I’d forgotten what it felt like.

And with that, the focused, determined, ball-breaking version of Geraldine Carson with whom I was so familiar donned her armour and went into battle.

Chapter Four

I didn’t like the look of pity on Tania’s face when I walked into the office.

‘Geri, Daryll asked to see you about ten minutes ago,’ she said. ‘I covered for you but I think you should go straight away.’

‘Really, Tania? If I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it,’ I said, smiling sweetly.

I could feel myself losing my cool but had to hold it together for the meeting with Daryll. God knows what he was going to say about the incident at the Pearl.

He saw me approaching and smiled in that annoyingly paternal way of his. ‘Geraldine, my dear. Do come in and sit down. Would you like a tea or coffee?’

‘No thanks, Daryll. You’d better just say what you think of me,’ I said, preparing myself for the worst.

‘What I think of you?’ he repeated. ‘Let me tell you something, Geraldine. When I was a naïve young man on the dealing floor, there was such a thing as an initiation ceremony. My colleagues took me out to a strip club, where a lady of the night stripped me down to my underwear as she removed her own clothing. I was utterly humiliated and obviously the butt of my colleagues’ jokes for some time.

‘What you did at the club last night, my dear, was to turn the initiation on its head. Almost literally, when you did that extraordinary move on the pole. Geraldine, after all your time here, you finally initiated yourself into the Brothers. Well done,’ he laughed.

For a moment I was speechless. I thought he had been about to tear strips off me.

‘God, Daryll, I thought you were going to put me in detention, not give me a gold star,’ I said. ‘Trust me, it’s not a ceremony I will be repeating.’

‘Well, despite the entertainment, I’m pleased to hear it,’ he continued. ‘Now let’s get back to business.’

‘That sounds good to me,’ I said.

‘It’s been a good year for the team, Geraldine, and you have been at the heart of it.’ He handed me a sealed envelope. ‘This is to say thank you for all your hard work.’

I opened it quickly, in silence. The letter inside confirmed that my bonus for the past year would be £20,000. Oh shit. I’d expected much more, counted on it in fact, but was determined not to show any sign of disappointment.

‘Thanks, Daryll, that’s great,’ I lied, beaming so wide my cheeks hurt.

‘My pleasure, Geraldine,’ he said, moving towards the door. ‘You’re a great credit to Sloane Brothers. I’ll see you later.’

As I made my way down the ‘catwalk of doom’ that took me through the open-plan part of the office past most of my colleagues, I felt several pairs of eyes boring into me for any clue as to what had just happened.

I kept gazing straight ahead and avoided any eye contact, passing Tania without a word and closing my office door.

Sitting down at my desk, I realised I had been clenching my right fist so hard that my nails had made heavy indentations on the palm of my hand.

I felt like punching a hole in the wall.

I’d taken a calculated risk in buying my house in Greenwich, borrowing over the odds and budgeting for a bigger salary top-up to comfortably afford my monthly repayments. Now I was in the shit, lumbered with a huge mortgage and a stallion I wasn’t prepared to sacrifice.

My train of thought was interrupted by Tania knocking on my door.

‘Geri, can I come in?’ she asked.

‘Um, just a minute,’ I replied, quickly checking my make-up in a compact mirror. ‘OK, what is it?’

‘There’s something you should know,’ she said. ‘There’s an email going around that lists everyone’s bonuses. The guys on the floor all know who’s getting what. Did you receive it?’

I quickly scanned my inbox but couldn’t see anything.

‘Christ, Tania, how come you know more than me about what’s going on?’

‘I’m just telling you, Geri. I thought we were a team?’

‘Yes, right … but bonuses are none of your business,’ I told her. ‘If you’ve got one of these emails can you please forward it to me now?’

‘OK, Geri, no problem. I’ll do that immediately. And … I’m sorry …’

I motioned for her to leave and close the door. A few seconds later, the email dropped into my inbox.

My heart was pounding as I opened it up and scanned the list of names. There was only one I cared about: Luke Cotterill. Next to it was the amount: £30,000.

His name came alphabetically just after mine, of course, so the difference was made even more painfully obvious. I’d been with the company for two years; he’d been there two months, yet he’d bagged £10,000 more.

My head felt as if it was about to explode. Luke bloody Cotterill had landed a bigger bonus than me, simply for having a dick, as far as I could make out. And my God, was he a prize dick. OK, the guy had the balls to play the market and had a good brain, but he had the interpersonal skills of a chimpanzee. Surely it would have been better to have me on-side?

This wasn’t the worst of it, though. By the time I’d gone down the entire list it seemed as if every jerk in the office had received more than me.

A lone tear started to make its way down my face, blackened by Mac mascara. This time I’d been well and truly shafted by the boys’ club, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I dabbed my face with a tissue and made myself presentable again, but who was I kidding? It didn’t matter how hard I worked, how much money I brought in, I was never going to outgun the big swinging dicks. Short of having a penis transplant, it just wasn’t going to happen.

I needed to get out of there. But I still had the morning to get through before I could attend to practical matters like going back to the Pearl to collect my wallet. At least I had an excuse for not joining them for lunch. For the rest of the morning, I barricaded myself in the office, even forbidding Tania to disturb me. Then on the stroke of noon, I opened the door to my office and strolled out, a huge fake smile plastered on my face.

‘Tania, hold the fort, I’ll be out for a couple of hours,’ I announced.

‘Oh, right, where are you off to, Geri?’ she asked.

‘I’ll be on the mobile,’ I said, knowing I was being rude, but not giving a shit.

If Luke Cotterill had so much as looked at me the wrong way as I left the building I might have done something I’d have regretted.