Confessions of a Lapdancer

Guess you’ve heard the big horizontal merger has just gone through. Are we hot or what? Well, I am anyway!

Of course I knew about the deal; I’d been an integral part of the team that pulled it off for the company. I didn’t dignify his email with a response and spent a few moments quietly observing Tania before calling her in.

‘OK, here are a few ground rules,’ I said. ‘First, everything that passes between us in this office is confidential. Second, I expect you to show some initiative, but not to put anything into action unless I’ve approved it first. Understood?’

‘Oh, of course, Geri. Deffo,’ she replied, without a crack appearing in her smile.

Looking beyond Tania I could see that Luke was gathering some of the team around him.

I walked out into the main office to drop a document on a colleague’s desk. As I did, Luke made sure I heard him inviting the guys – or ‘the Brothers’, as he insisted on calling them – out to celebrate the big merger deal. I wasn’t having that, obviously, and went to have a quiet word with him.

‘Luke, I don’t care if the Sisters are not officially invited, I’m not missing out on this Brothers’ party,’ I said. ‘I had as much to do with this deal as anyone else.’

‘Ahh, it’s Geri Boy,’ he sneered, loudly enough so that half the office could hear him. ‘She who wears the trousers and wants to be one of the lads.’

‘As I said before, it’s Geraldine to you,’ I said, grinning at the other guys on the team. ‘The first Jeroboam is on me, OK?’

‘Ooh, that’s a big bottle for a little lady,’ laughed Luke, surrounded by giggling cronies. ‘Will you need a man to help you with that?’

I bit my lip while trying to think of a decent comeback but thought better of it and marched purposefully back to my office. Tania was blocking the doorway. Was that a sympathetic smile or a smirk on her face? I couldn’t be bothered to work it out.

‘Tania, if you’ve got something to say, then say it.’

‘Oh Geri, don’t let them get to you,’ she said. ‘I’m coming tonight as well, we’ll have some fun, you’ll see.’

‘Right, fine,’ I said, incensed that Luke had invited her and not me. I’d only been out of the office for six weeks but I felt like I’d already lost my place in the team. ‘You’d better be prepared to buy your round, though.’ I immediately regretted that – there was no way a legal PA would be able to keep up with the spending.

I asked her to phone ahead to Corney & Barrow to make sure they were well stocked with Bollinger and Krug before the Sloane Brothers’ wrecking crew arrived, and went back to work.

The rest of the day passed without much incident, with Luke postponing our briefing meeting, apparently in a gesture of kindness to let me properly recover from jet lag, but I guessed he was doing it as some kind of power play.

As the sun went down, I went to the ladies to prepare myself for the night ahead.

I’d always thought of myself as handsome rather than pretty and preferred short hair to long, but even I had to admit my spiky, jet-black cut – inspired by early Siouxsie Sioux, I liked to think – was quite a strong statement.

I didn’t wear much make-up at the office but for the evenings I liked to emphasise my pale skin and blue eyes by wearing deep crimson lipstick, black mascara and liquid eye liner.

I always wore my armour, though – a trusty black trouser suit worn with a polo neck or a shirt. Even wearing a skirt at work made guys like Luke think I was weak.

Tania came in.

‘Geri, sorry to interrupt, but the guys are ready to leave and we don’t want to be left behind, do we?’ she said.

‘OK, Tania, I’ll be ready in a mo,’ I told her.

After a good five minutes, I joined the male members of staff by the front entrance. Luke leered at Tania while I made eye contact with Ryan. He was a little too rugby club for my liking but served a purpose on the nights I felt horny.

At least Daryll was a man who knew his own mind. As our boss, he walked around the office with a proprietorial air that I found patronising, and he never attempted to curb the offensive locker-room banter indulged in by the guys, but I did respect his knowledge and experience.

‘Daryll, how good of us to join you,’ I said, cheekily.

‘Very droll, Geraldine,’ he replied in his deep, Leslie Phillips-esque drawl. ‘I believe the first bottle will be on your account? And I trust I will not be seeing it on your expenses.’

‘Of course not, Daryll,’ I laughed. ‘I wouldn’t dream of fleecing Sloane Brothers out of their hard-earned cash. Even though I’ve earned most of it for them.’

He smiled lasciviously.

‘You have the cheek of the devil, young lady,’ he winked, ‘but I admire you for it.’

I winked back before exiting the office with Tania in tow, leaving the boys to make their own way to the bar.

Luke and his posse were right behind me though as I calmly strolled into Corney & Barrow and before I knew it he was reaching his long arm over me in an attempt to grab the neck of the £200 Jeroboam that Tania was holding, like an eager puppy, ready to please.

‘No, Luke. This baby’s mine,’ I said firmly.

‘So you like them big, do you, Geri Boy?’ he taunted. ‘Well, let’s see whether you can make it shoot!’

Ryan, who had zero loyalty to me despite our ‘relationship’, laughed right on cue, leaving me to work on removing the cork. I wedged the bottle between my toned thighs and gradually worked it loose, hearing that reassuring pop as Tania was poised with a flute to catch any overspill.

‘Oh, good show,’ said Luke. ‘Hardly a drop wasted!’

I ignored him, instructing Tania to fill the glasses as I tested my muscle strength by gradually tipping the bottle until it was empty.

‘Wow, Geri, I’m impressed!’ said Tania. ‘Where did you get thighs like that?’

‘I’m an experienced show jumper,’ I replied, enjoying the look of surprise on her face.

‘Really?’ she said. ‘How did you get into that?’

‘Through Daryll, four years ago,’ I told her. ‘He’s always kept horses and he suggested I take lessons. Once I started, I found I had a natural talent for it. I’d recommend it to any woman – it exercises muscles you didn’t know you had and gives you great posture.’

‘Well, Geri – you are a dark horse, if you’ll pardon the pun,’ she giggled.

I laughed politely but inside I felt uncomfortable. I hoped she’d never find out that I only started working with horses in order to keep in with Daryll and advance my career.

‘Geri, are you OK?’ asked Tania, who could see I was drifting off.

‘Yes, I’m fine,’ I replied. ‘Just thinking about Zeus, my gorgeous bay stallion.’

‘What, you own a horse?’ said Tania, her eyes widening.

‘Yes, he’s 16.2 hands, part thoroughbred, part warm blood,’ I said. ‘I keep him at a stable near my parents’ house in Sussex.’

‘God, that can’t be cheap,’ Tania remarked.

‘No, but he’s a beauty and worth every penny,’ I said. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go and talk to my boss.’

Tania gawped at me. Jesus, Geraldine, I thought to myself. Don’t forget, this girl is Luke Cotterill’s piece of totty. Zip it …