F*ck Feelings: Less Obsessing, More Living

We nurture this illusion of safety so we don’t have to live in a constant state of panic, but sometimes wishful thinking makes us fool ourselves into believing we can reform either someone dangerous or our own dangerous thoughts after a random, overwhelming trauma.

The facts are, however, that we can’t count on safety even when we’re careful; neither can we stop feeling fear once it’s got hold of us, and sometimes we have to give up all we own and flee.

In any case, it takes careful thought to be realistic about safety, avoid exposure to danger for the wrong reasons, and stop blaming ourselves for the harm and losses that occur when safety is impossible.

When a relationship is unsafe and you don’t know when or how you might be attacked, a lawyer is usually your best therapist, because knowing your actual risks is the best antidote to both unreasonable fears and wishful thinking. Just don’t look for a lawyer who will listen, hold your hand, and sympathize with how unfair it is that the police and courts can’t really protect you. Lawyers charge too much for you to use them for sympathy alone, and besides, it would be a waste of time for everyone involved.

Instead, look for a lawyer who will tell you what will really happen; help you estimate your risk exposure after doing everything you can to preserve your home, relationships, etc.; and encourage you to do what’s necessary, however unfair it is that you have to do it, to protect yourself.

Don’t make the mistake of looking for a shrink who is well meaning and foolish enough to try to help you work out your relationship with a dangerous person, because pursuing such a goal can stir up and stimulate a psyche set to explode.

If you have a loved one who is dangerous but wants to control it, urge them to find a shrink who won’t waste time figuring out why they’re so angry, but will just help them put a lid on things and keep it there, regardless of the pain inside, while you stay out of it.

Even if you’ve done the right thing, don’t expect to feel good. No one controls their reaction to trauma, which may linger for years. Certainly, you should try standard PTSD treatments, like medication and cognitive therapies, which sometimes help. Remind yourself, however, that whether or not you continue to have anxiety attacks and phobias, you’ve done the right thing and you’re not to blame for your current condition.

Accepting the fact that you can’t protect yourself or your family from crazies or the fear they inspire doesn’t ever mean you’ve been defeated. It just means life is full of crazy dangers and you’re a success as long as you get the message and act accordingly, even if you have to cut off your right arm in doing so.

Indeed, every day that you venture out of your house, do your usual job, and endure fears and symptoms, you’re a hero, and in a nonfiction way.

Quick Diagnosis

Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

• Safety, security, and control over same

• Guaranteed preservation of your closest relationships, job, home, etc.

• Exorcism of demons in those you love

• Restoration of your peace of mind

Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Find the best compromise between safety and your other priorities in an unsafe world

• Reduce the risk of violence by walling yourself off from dangerous people, even those close to you