F*ck Feelings: Less Obsessing, More Living

So strengthen your resolve, not your muscles, and learn to beat bullies by remembering what’s important, and that humiliation isn’t.

Here are signs that a face down is not a good idea:

• You’re not a black belt . . . or you are a black belt

• He’s richer, stronger, better connected, and has better lawyers

• You have better things to do, like get through the day and not ruin your life

• You know that your confrontation won’t change anything in the long run, except maybe your employment status or the shape of your nose

• You’re throwing around terms like “send a message,” “unfair,” “can’t let him think that,” etc., and you’re not a Blood or Crip

Among the wishes people express when they want to avoid or end humiliation are:

• To be as amusingly insulting as Dorothy Parker and Winston Churchill

• To be as good at verbal self-defense as their bully is at humiliation

• To control anxious or deferential feelings that cause helpless paralysis

• To get someone to back down

Here are three examples:

My neighborhood was a happy place for twenty years until a crazy guy moved next door and posted No Trespassing signs on the fence between us. He accused me of dumping leaves into his yard and glared at my kids, who are careful not to bother him. He would point a video camera at them and my wife whenever they played in the yard. At first I tried to reassure him, but recently I’ve told him he has to stop, and he’s gotten even weirder. The police tell me they can’t do anything unless he physically threatens us. My goal is to get him to back off and not have to worry about him all the time.

My boss is often nasty and demeaning, though he thinks he’s just being professional. He’ll call me out during a meeting because something wasn’t done, even though he either didn’t tell me he wanted it or didn’t give me enough time. If I protest, he treats it like I’m giving him excuses or he just changes the subject. When I’ve tried to discuss his leadership style with his boss, I get told that’s just his way and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. I feel trapped and intimidated. My goal is to stop my boss from being abusive.

My husband is a know-it-all who gets overbearing when he’s drinking, but never admits it when he’s sober. He’s a good provider, and I don’t want to break up our family, but we all tiptoe around him when he starts to drink, and it’s oppressive living with him. My goal is to figure out how to stand up to him so I don’t have to feel like a mouse.

Sadly, not all protest is effective, and if you’ve witnessed most recent American political protests, whether they involve hats with attached tea bags or giant puppets, you know that protest can have unintended consequences, like making you look ridiculous. If this were a fair world, a brave protest would expose every bully to appropriate ridicule and/or cause him/her to reexamine and correct bad behavior. In this world, however, protests often strengthen and empower your enemies, especially if somebody takes your picture.

Your goal then isn’t to stand up to trouble, but to determine what, if anything, you can say or do that won’t stir up trouble even more. Whether a bully is crazy or just touchy, criticism is more likely to trigger irrational attack rather than thoughtful dialogue.

In the case of a crazy bully, you may have no choice but to accept an ongoing risk of being humiliated, intimidated, harmed, and/or fired and knowing you can’t stop it. That said (and your tears wept, and chagrin spat out), think of your other options.

Knowing that you can’t reduce these risks should motivate you to look elsewhere to live, work, etc. If you try too hard to fight a battle you can’t win, you’ll be too worn-out to leave. Instead, if you know the battle is unwinnable, smile politely until you’re gone.

Of course, every now and then you’ll discover that you actually have more power than you think and the bully’s power rests on nothing but hot air and your own fears. Most times this happens, however, you can’t celebrate a simple victory by telling the bully to get lost because s/he is stuck in your orbit (close family, neighbor, etc.) and both your celebration and new power must be wielded quietly to encourage good behavior.

It’s not fair, but if you’ve been alive long enough to own books with “F*ck” in the title, you know that not much is. Besides, if it’s any consolation, a truly crazy bully doesn’t even know why he’s coming after you in the first place, because that’s the nature of crazy. You can always move on, but he’ll always be stuck in his own insanity.

Aside from considering departure options, the other way to protect yourself, especially if a bully is irrational, is to wall off your negative, helpless emotions and feel proud of your ability to make the best of tough situations. Whether you’re getting zapped by your boss at a job you can’t afford to leave or by a husband under comparable circumstances, stop sharing how you feel and start negotiating, beginning with whatever you’re accused of doing wrong.

Talk proudly about whatever you’ve done right and positively about whatever your bully, if he or she has flashes of reasonableness, does right. Regret disagreement, conflict, or disappointment and express hope that it will get better, without apology or blame. Look confident and stand proud, regardless of how you feel. Build a boundary that lets the bully know that you value his opinion, but still judge yourself by your own standards, which, in this case, you’ve met. As long as you haven’t let fear and anger compromise your behavior, you can disagree without having to defend, persuade, or continue conversations that you think are destructive.

Unfortunately, as you know, many bullies, due to some combination of physical, financial, and psychotic strength, can’t be stopped, in which case winning means doing what’s necessary to survive until you can get out. To others, it may appear as if you’re bowing to intimidation, compromising your principles, and giving in to weakness. What you know, however, is that you have more important priorities than avoiding humiliation and that you have the strength to tolerate humiliation whenever you think it’s necessary.

As long as you haven’t let fear and anger compromise your behavior, you can disagree without having to defend, persuade, or continue conversations that you think are destructive. Whether or not your protest is heard, you know where you stand, and you’ve kept your pride intact.

Quick Diagnosis

Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

• Victory over unfair aggression

• A fair outcome (forgive me for using this horrible f-word)

• Freedom from undeserved criticism

• Control over your reputation

• R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Keep your cool under fire

• Learn to choose your battles

• Respect yourself regardless of disrespect from others

• Find the least humiliating option that’s necessary to bear

• Take pride in your ability to eat shit when necessary and smile

Here’s how you can do it:

• Shut up until you’re ready to speak; don’t yell or act out because you’re angry or tired

• Gather information about whether you can win

• Assess yourself and respect your self-assessment

• State everything positive you can about yourself, your persecutor, and whatever has been or could be good about your relationship

• Regret disagreement and conflict without expressing responsibility or apology for it

• Take action when you’ve decided it’s worthwhile, not because your feelings tell you to

• Until you can move on, bear the pain

Your Script

Here’s what to say to a bully/yourself when you feel falsely accused, mocked, or disrespected.

Dear [Me/Relative/Boss/Assailant],